Monday, May 19, 2008

Today.


I have always been someone who needs change.

If I stand in the same place for too long, I start to fiddle and twitch and wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence. If I'm in school, I want to be working. If I'm working, I want to be in school. If we rent, I want to own. If we own, I talk about how wonderful it was to rent. Surely the grass is greener on the other side. It's always greener, right?

Marriage hit me like a ton of bricks in that retrospect. Marriage, while exciting in it's own right, is a lot of the same. We go to work, we come home, we eat dinner across the table and I consistently rest my feet on top of G's. We watch our shows, we play with our dogs, we snuggle until we fall asleep. And then we get up and we do it again. And again. And again. And again. Until the weekend, when we like to switch it up a bit. Marriage...exciting, yes. Fun, yes. A lot of the same...YES.

During our first year of marriage, I spent a lot of time trying to counter act this repetitiveness. Before G, my life was dramatic, spontaneous, spur-of the moment, a little crazy. G was the calm to the huge storm I called my life. He had a stillness about him that I didn't. He made me feel a calmness that had never been part of who I was.

While having a conversation with friends the other day about marriage and being a newlywed and everything that comes with it, I came to the realization that I finally feel like I know what I am doing and I am really enjoying and savoring my everyday life. We spend so much time looking forward to change. If only I can get to this position, that phase of my life, this moment...that is when my life will really begin. I have wasted so much time dreaming about tomorrow, I forgot to savor today.

These past six months of my life have been amazing. And not because anything significant has happened, I am just really learning to love where I'm at. I am a young wife enjoying her first few years with her husband. I am a worker, a student, a friend, a companion. I am someone who goes to work everyday and does a lot of the same. I clean and re-clean my home because it just doesn't seem to stay clean, I go to bed at 10:30, because G has to get up at 6, I consistently fall more and more in love with my family everyday, I look up new recipes in my spare time, I watch the food network, I plan family night, I become more and more of a nerd.

And I love it.

There is nothing sweeter than falling asleep next to your best friend. Or coming home to 3 guys who can't wait to see you walk through the door. Or cooking a favorite dinner, because you know that he will appreciate it. There is nothing sweeter than scripture study across the table, or laughing at our inside jokes or a secret hand shake. There is nothing sweeter than watching movies in bed and chatting about nothing or teaching our dogs to roll over and shake, and never being so proud. There is nothing sweeter than this little life we have created, than our memories, our traditions, our moments. Just the two of us.

There is no where I'd rather be than here with G. With the person who makes me smile when I've had a hard day, or keeps things in perspective or cheers me on when I get an A on a paper. I love the way he lets me vent to him and knows that I just need a listening ear, not a solution, I love that he always sees the side of every situation that I don't. I love that I feel more complete when he is near me. I love that we have created this little life. Together. That in our short marriage, we have become more alike, and not more different.

I am finally learning to live in the now.

Someday, I'll be a mother. Someday, I'll be a college graduate. Someday, I'll have the job I've dreamed of. But right now, I am happy being where I am. In this moment.

Right now, I'm happy with today.

12 comments:

  1. You are just the best! I wish I could be more like you.

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  2. I have to agree Jess, the grass is usually always greener- except when it comes to marriage. I don't think I've ever looked at my single friends who are so sick of dating and found myself wishing I was a bachelorette again. Marriage is the best! And like you, there's not a lot I'd want to change about it.

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  3. If I could only be as eloquent as you!!!! This must definitely be a hormonal day because I'm sitting her crying :). You are just one of those people who knows "how to put it". I just know that G is as lucky to have you as you are to have him and you put a little cherry on top of my "mommy, mommy, mommy" filled day.

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  4. That's so nice of you to want to read our blog. Put us on your friends list!!! You and your husband are so cute!

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  5. jess... that was beautiful. I am going to that to heart. Good for you for realizing the awesome progress you have made at enjoying the now! A lot of people don't get that until the are old and it's hard to enjoy the now! You're awesome. Ps. i tagged you.

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  6. Jmo- although I have said this multiple times before now I say it with more intent than ever.... you need to write and write and publish it! You have a talent of touching people through your words, of making people feel connected to you by just reading your writing, and making people feel understood and motivated to be their best self. When our Christmas party comes and we vote again on who will do what first or whatever we will do... I am voting you to be the first to write the first book or publish a poem. You are amazing. I echo all the people who have written in response to this... Marriage is amazing... and wait until you have a little child of God growing inside of you. It truly makes you want to cherish every moment and be content with where you are, but I still need to work on it. Work on being in the moment and living today for today and not for tomorrow. Thank you for your reminder. I miss you so much I started crying yet again. I love you jmo. Send my love to your three lucky men. (sorry about the novel.. he he)

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  7. you are darling jess! i love you and i'm so glad we're neighbors and friends and co-servers in the ward!!

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  8. The only problem with today is its always so boring. Tomorrow is so much better.

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  9. Jess, when I read this I think about our Creative writting class in either 10th or 11th grade. you are amazing! And I love how you wrote about your marriage! IT makes me excited......!

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  10. I love this post! You need to print and frame this for G. It is so sweet! I am glad that I was there when you guys met or a part of that time frame anyways, it was and still is so cute to see you guys together! I am so happy for you and that you have found your now!

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  11. your writing skills never fail to impress me. you just keep getting better and better. i love reading your blogs... this one expecially.. so true. so true. good advice

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thank you for your shout outs!