Monday, May 19, 2008
I have always been someone who needs change.
If I stand in the same place for too long, I start to fiddle and twitch and wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence. If I'm in school, I want to be working. If I'm working, I want to be in school. If we rent, I want to own. If we own, I talk about how wonderful it was to rent. Surely the grass is greener on the other side. It's always greener, right?
Marriage hit me like a ton of bricks in that retrospect. Marriage, while exciting in it's own right, is a lot of the same. We go to work, we come home, we eat dinner across the table and I consistently rest my feet on top of G's. We watch our shows, we play with our dogs, we snuggle until we fall asleep. And then we get up and we do it again. And again. And again. And again. Until the weekend, when we like to switch it up a bit. Marriage...exciting, yes. Fun, yes. A lot of the same...YES.
During our first year of marriage, I spent a lot of time trying to counter act this repetitiveness. Before G, my life was dramatic, spontaneous, spur-of the moment, a little crazy. G was the calm to the huge storm I called my life. He had a stillness about him that I didn't. He made me feel a calmness that had never been part of who I was.
While having a conversation with friends the other day about marriage and being a newlywed and everything that comes with it, I came to the realization that I finally feel like I know what I am doing and I am really enjoying and savoring my everyday life. We spend so much time looking forward to change. If only I can get to this position, that phase of my life, this moment...that is when my life will really begin. I have wasted so much time dreaming about tomorrow, I forgot to savor today.
These past six months of my life have been amazing. And not because anything significant has happened, I am just really learning to love where I'm at. I am a young wife enjoying her first few years with her husband. I am a worker, a student, a friend, a companion. I am someone who goes to work everyday and does a lot of the same. I clean and re-clean my home because it just doesn't seem to stay clean, I go to bed at 10:30, because G has to get up at 6, I consistently fall more and more in love with my family everyday, I look up new recipes in my spare time, I watch the food network, I plan family night, I become more and more of a nerd.
And I love it.
There is nothing sweeter than falling asleep next to your best friend. Or coming home to 3 guys who can't wait to see you walk through the door. Or cooking a favorite dinner, because you know that he will appreciate it. There is nothing sweeter than scripture study across the table, or laughing at our inside jokes or a secret hand shake. There is nothing sweeter than watching movies in bed and chatting about nothing or teaching our dogs to roll over and shake, and never being so proud. There is nothing sweeter than this little life we have created, than our memories, our traditions, our moments. Just the two of us.
There is no where I'd rather be than here with G. With the person who makes me smile when I've had a hard day, or keeps things in perspective or cheers me on when I get an A on a paper. I love the way he lets me vent to him and knows that I just need a listening ear, not a solution, I love that he always sees the side of every situation that I don't. I love that I feel more complete when he is near me. I love that we have created this little life. Together. That in our short marriage, we have become more alike, and not more different.
I am finally learning to live in the now.
Someday, I'll be a mother. Someday, I'll be a college graduate. Someday, I'll have the job I've dreamed of. But right now, I am happy being where I am. In this moment.
Right now, I'm happy with today.