Thursday, May 7, 2009

time.

I'm up late tonight.

I love staying up late. There is something so magical about being awake when every one else is sleeping. You feel like the time you have is completely selfish & private. Completely yours. I just finished watching Bride Wars for the second time and I bawled at the end, just like I did the first time I saw it. I cried the same way I cry when I watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (yes, I just admitted that). I cry because I love my friends. Because I am lucky to have them. Because no matter how much I let them down, or how many times I forget to call back, they still love me when I do. Because I miss them, even though they are near.

It's funny the way time changes things. You swear that you will always be that close, that you will always get together once a week and always make the time. But then life happens and suddenly you're an adult and some days you can barely remember to brush your teeth.

My goal for 2009 is the same one I had in 2008. I just want to

Slow.
Down.

I've always moved too fast. I love to accomplish, to get things done, to make things happen. I am in a hurry 99% of the time and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am always running late. Time slips by quickly and most days, every minute of tomorrow is already packed with plans before today even ends. I can't help but feel like all I really want is more time.

I want more time to catch up with my friends, to call my Grandma and let her talk for an hour, to play fetch with my dogs, to be with my husband. I miss him all day and then, when I'm with him, I always feel like it rushes past me. I talked about all of this with my parents the other day. I sat in their kitchen, with my hands on the cool counter top and cried just like I've done so many times before. The only difference being that now I had a husband standing behind me.

I wish there was more time in life for the ones we love. More time to read and take walks and bake a 5 tiered chocolate cake if you feel like it. Maybe it's just the phase of my life that I'm in, but right now, I dream about afternoon walks and weekends that aren't over in 10 minutes. I dream of slowing down, of freezing everything for a minute. I keep wishing the days, weeks, months & years wouldn't pass me by before I ever really got the chance to enjoy them.

I decided to take the day off tomorrow. I couldn't quite get over the fact that today was Thursday when I was so sure, so POSITIVE my week was nearly over. Call me dramatic, but sometimes one more day of work feels like climbing the tallest mountain. Sometimes it feels impossible. So, when I saw a stack of vacation days at my disposal, I decided to grab one and run with it.

I know that a big part of life is learning how to work. I know that we need to forget about ourselves and be wrapped up in the needs of others. We need to learn to be selfless and self-sacrificing and solid. But, I also believe that everyone deserves their day. Everyone deserves their quiet moment, their private evening spent watching chick flicks and looking at the moon, simply because that's what makes you happy.

I'm starting to believe that if you need more time, you just might have to stop the clock and demand it. There will always be work, there will always be laundry, my house will always be messy because my dogs will always bring treasures in through the dog door while I'm gone. There will always be a to-do list on my fridge the size of Texas and I will probably always crave more time with my husband. None of that is ever going to change.

The only thing I have the power to change is me.
If I want more time, I have to take it.

And I do.

(congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. longest one thus far? i think so.)

8 comments:

  1. This is sooooo very true. And it only gets worse and worse when you have kids - just more people to spread your time between. You totally have me crying now, because this is something I struggle with EVERY DAY. I feel like I don't get to enjoy life anymore because all of my time is spent doing those things that "need" to get done. There are so many things I "want" do that always go to the back burner. But I'm trying to learn, too, how to use my time better, and to not feel guilty for taking that much needed time for myself. You are lucky that you're already thinking about this - maybe you'll have it figured out before you have bb's of your own. I hope you do, and you can pass more words of wisdom on to me!
    Maybe this is the longest comment ever......1-2-3 publish!!!

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  2. thanks for this post. i think you really hit the nail on the head exactly how i feel right now. between work,school,boyfriend,family,me time and everything else in between i get so busy i forget to shower! funny that you post this now because i was seriously talking to c. yesterday about this exact subject.
    slow down and i hope you enjoy your extra long weekend doing what makes you happy!

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  3. I'm glad you had a late night and am glad you're taking the day off today. Late nights are so reflective, aren't they? I loved your thoughts and easily made it through the post. I love to hear what you think about.

    Hope you're able to enjoy a slow day today and a great weekend.

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  4. Good for you!!! And I laughed right out loud at your "little tidbit" today b/c I've been thinking that this whole week as I check your blog. :)

    (No bad feelings at all, ever) :)

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  5. love it. totally agree. where do the days go? i just got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and the most exciting part of all is that it requires me to just sit on my couch and relax, and hopefully catch up on some movies, blogging, and a few other things.

    :) enjoy your day off and i hope you do something you want to!

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  6. I also loved this post (and all your others!) As the mother of a teenager (which makes me way old) I agree whole heartedly, time flies by! I was looking through our pics the other day and thought "Oh, there's my baby" but knowing she's a teen now I wonder where the time went! And the fact that we're celebrating 18 years as hubby and wife this year, WHEW! Who'd have thunk it!?! Time does fly! Enjoy every minute and remember to post/journal/etc so you can look back and remember!

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  7. Jess will you just write a book for me to read already! Your writing is so great!!!! I could just keep reading and reading forever...and i get sad at the end of your posts! p.s. I feel the same way. never EVER enough time to do everything!!

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  8. Loved this post! The creeper will keep on creeping I guess. haha. I totally understand how you're feeling and I was going to blog about it but you said it in much better words than I could!

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thank you for your shout outs!