Wednesday, December 29, 2010

becoming.

If anyone had told me 8 months ago that I would spend the last month of this pregnancy in the hospital, I would have laughed. This pregnancy was so easy once upon a time. I wasn't sick, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't moody and everything was easy...until it wasn't anymore. Which is, I've learned, the way life typically goes.

The first 2 trimesters were pure bliss; filled with excitement, baby clothes, a list of names on the fridge and watching and documenting my belly growth.

The last trimester has been anything but. I don't want to say it has been hell, it hasn't been, but this certainly isn't where I thought I would be this holiday season. I have a closet full of maternity clothes and dresses I am not wearing and a nursery at home that doesn't contain one piece of furniture and is littered with bags and boxes of unopened, unorganized baby gifts.

Most girls dream of spending the last trimester dressing their big bellies as fashionably as possible, enjoying no more morning sickness and best of all, planning and decorating a nursery. I always dreamed about the nursery.

And yet, I am not home, my nursery is non-existent and I don't think I've taken a belly shot in over a month. I wear sweatpants or leggings every day and I consider it a big deal if I put on mascara. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and bruises from IV's and blood draws that never seem to end and my stomach is red and irritated from the constant gelling and wiping and monitoring we do. I try to be patient with the lazy nurses who don't bother to read my chart before they come into my room and then proceed to make me explain who I am, why I'm here and what they need to do as if I am the expert and not them. I say thank you and give away the treats I get to the good nurses who do bother and I spend a lot of time dreaming about going on a date with my husband again someday.

Despite everything I complain about and hate, the best part about every day is still baby. We know each other so well by now. I know her typical sleep/wake patterns, resting heart rate, and can read her NST's with no problem. In my mind she is very much a little person already, complete with a name and a story. I can't spend this long consumed by someone and not know her name. So I keep it a secret and whisper it to her in the dark after everyone has left and she kicks me in response and I know this will all be worth it.

Someday I'll tell her this story. Someday I'll tell her how much she was loved before she even came to earth. I'll tell her that lying in a hospital bed for weeks and weeks was worth every smile and giggle and snuggle she gives me. I'll tell her that I would have done more, done anything, for her. I'll tell her that she made me into a mother, even before I officially was one. She is teaching me about unconditional love and sacrifice, about caring for those around you, no matter what the cost. About being more Christ-like and selfless. This is her gift to me.

She has made me into a mother. This experience has made me into a mother.

And that makes it worth it.
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Friday, December 17, 2010

to be continued...

I thought some of you might like a little update. Baby girl and I are currently in the hospital where we will stay until she is born in 2 weeks (or sooner if she shows any signs of stress). Unfortunately my low fluid isn't correcting itself and my doctors think we shouldn't keep her in there any longer than 34 weeks.

I never expected to experience anything like this and of course, my heart is broken that I don't get to carry her full term, but I have faith and confidence in my doctors, and more importantly I have faith in my Heavenly Father.

She is going to be teeny tiny when she comes into the world, but we are grateful that all signs indicate that she will be healthy and strong as well.

Your prayers and concern mean so much to me, they bring me to tears every day.Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us and praying for us. I know I will need them as I try to get through this scary time in my life and be happy and positive in this situation.

Amidst all the uncertainty the only thing I know for sure is that I love this baby and am willing to go to the ends of the earth and back to bring her into this world safely. I'm grateful that this year she will be my Christmas present. Until then.

Xoxo
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

let it go, let it go, let it go.

yes, you read that correctly.

right now, i'm desperately trying to let. it. go.

that might even become my theme song this month.

there are about a million things i need to do and want to do and can't do, because of this pregnancy. baby is still doing fine, but i have been instructed to lay around for most of the day and allow my body to focus on nothing other than taking care of her. which is fine, really, except it's december and there are presents to buy and wrap, cards to write, neighbor gifts to bake, a house to clean and clean and clean again and not to mention a completely empty nursery looming down the hallway that may very well be greeting a new special visitor in, oh, one month or so.

yesterday my doctor told me that he will likely want to induce me around 36 weeks (and let's all hope not a day sooner than that). when he first said it i was so excited until i really started to wrap my brain around what that meant. 36 weeks as in 5 weeks from now? as in just a few weeks after christmas? as in right when most of my baby showers are scheduled?

i came home from the appointment and tried to put on a brave face for g and then walked into her nursery and burst into tears. i don't know how to explain the meltdown i had except to say that i'd had 3 doctors appointments that day and my house wasn't/isn't clean and i am officially pregnant. (is that a good enough exuse?)

there is nothing i would like more right now than to deep-clean every inch of this place and organize my linen closet and then go out and buy her crib and curtains and start decorating, but i can't. so her room will most likely be a bit plain, and even though it is going to kill me, she might come home to a less-than-sterile home and i am going to have to let g do the christmas shopping this year (i apologize in advance to all family members), because i simply have to let it all go.

perhaps this is my first lesson in motherhood??

Sunday, December 5, 2010

decked.



 we had a fun time decking our halls this year. by the time thanksgiving rolled around i was ready to go all out...i even put up christmas lights outside for the very first time! i still have a few more things i want to do, but for the most part it's cheerful and bright and i'm satisfied. merry december!

Friday, December 3, 2010

our little love.

unfortunately, in the past few weeks we've had a little complication arise in my pregnancy. it isn't anything too alarming as of now, but it needs to be monitored closely until our baby girl arrives. it has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me over the past few weeks as i've been trying to deal with this new aspect of my pregnancy that i never expected. i obviously wish there was absolutely nothing to worry about, but at the same time i am grateful that our baby is healthy and i know things could be much much worse.

 anyways, now that i am reaching the end of the pregnancy it means that i am being monitored very closely with non-stress tests and ultrasounds twice a week. so far, little lady passes her non-stress tests with flying colors and always makes the nurses smile and laugh when she gets the hiccups while hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and we all get to hear them. it also means i get to see her and check on her all the time. i feel like i already know her so well. i know that her tiny hands will always be covering her face when it comes time for an ultrasound and that she puts on the best show if i sneak a cookie for her right before. it also means that my fridge looks like this:

 and that isn't even all of the pictures we have of her. there are more in our bedroom and even more in our office. she continues to grow and change every week and we continue to look forward to her safe arrival (hopefully not too soon!)

so far, she is doing just fine and my issue (low amniotic fluid) doesn't seem to be bothering her, but if you would like to include her in your prayers, i certainly won't stop you. ;)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

our little family.

had a really wonderful thanksgiving weekend. we ate a delicious meal (and triumphed over the mashed potatoes we made, thanks to pw) with my family on thursday and then headed to the cabin on friday. we kept warm with our smart wool socks, sweaters and the space heater in our bedroom, we watched a few movies and a lot of sports, the boys cut down a christmas tree, the girls cooked and talked and cooked some more  and we all decorated the christmas tree and made the cabin look festive. it was the perfect way to welcome december.

and thanks to jennie, who took all of these pictures for me, since i was nuts and forgot my camera! there are more cute pictures on her blog.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

while my husband is watching football...

i take a nap. sometimes a short one, sometimes a long one, but if it's sunday afternoon and he is watching football, i take a nap.

i watch a movie. preferably a movie he won't watch with me. a good chick flick like "you've got mail" or "julie & julia". i often pick movies that will make me cry & then i close the bedroom door to drown out the sounds of football.

i download music & make new playlists. today it was a christmas playlist with lots of new dreamy tunes and plenty of the classics.

i watch the snow fall outside our windows and wonder if we will be able to drive in it successfully enough to make it to my mother's house for dinner.

i eat my leftover pumpkin cheesecake from the tupperware and feel happy, because it turned out right.

i take a long bubble bath or read a good book. i try to make a list of things i want to cook for dinner that week and occasionly, i blog.

now let me ask you this, dear friends, because i'm running out of ideas...what do you do while your husband is watching football?!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!

too bad it's not even snowing outside.

the big blizzard of 2010 was a bit of a letdown, no? i was expecting to be snowed in at the very least, but our driveway is clear and the roads are plowed and it's all very typical utah storm.

regardless, i've been forbidden to go outside and walk around at all today. apparently it's really icy and g slipped twice on our driveway this morning and twice walking into work. since i'm the clumsiest person currently living, he doesn't have much faith in my ability to walk and not fall with this pregnant belly in tow. whatever.

how are you spending this thanksgiving eve? i'm watching julie & julia, cleaning my house for the weekend, going bowling & to dinner and baking a pumpkin cheesecake for tomorrow. i have to get started early tomorrow morning because i'm on team mashed potatoes and green bean cassarole for our thanksgiving feast and those are important side dishes! i've made mashed potatoes a million times before, but never for 20 people, so i'm hoping i don't choke and forget everything i know about making them creamy and dreamy and perfect.

happy thanksgiving eve to you!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

thankful for today.

today i am thankful for the blizzard on it's way. i know, people, i am crazy. but i like snow and i like severe weather warnings and i really like being snowed in.

today i am thankful for a warm home full of good food, happy pups, plenty of movies and a pile of soft blankets.

today i am thankful for thoughtful friends who make us laugh, entertain us, support us, love us and even feed us on occasion.

today i am thankful for family and for time to spend with both of ours this week. i am thankful for the people who really know us and love us just the same.

today i am so thankful there is a baby in my tummy.

today i am thankful she woke me up at 4:30am last night with her crazy hiccups that were literally shaking my tummy and her never-ending kicks that almost made me nauseous.

but more than anything, today i am thankful for the guy who was sleeping soundly next to me while all of this went down. i am thankful that when i woke him up after almost 30 minutes of a non-stop party in my stomach that was blowing my mind, he simply rolled over and put his hand on my tummy and then laughed and marveled with me at the mini-earthquake of movement i was feeling. i am thankful he wasn't annoyed that i woke him up and that he was just as entertained by the insane amount of movement as i was.

today i am thankful that he enjoyed it with me while it lasted and then simply said thank you and fell right back asleep, leaving me with another memory that means so much to me.

today i am so thankful for that.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

popped.


i remember when i was newly pregnant and not showing, everyone always told me that there would come a time when i would just "pop". this past month, i found out what they were talking about, as evidenced by my belly growth in just a few weeks. it's nice to finally look obviously pregnant instead of just overly full.

these last few weeks of pregnancy have been more stressful than the first 6 months, but i'm still feeling really good overall. i feel lucky that i'm not dealing with any sickness or aches and pains and i'm even sleeping really well again, which is so wonderful.

i'm 28 weeks along as of today and just happy and grateful that our little lady is still cooking, kicking and hiccuping up a storm. we are completely in love with her already. here's to the last trimester of this pregnancy!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

living room re-vamp.

i decided i wanted to re-vamp my living room months ago when i sold my old rugs. since then i've been trying to figure out where to go with my new look and how to incorporate some new colors and textures into what i already had. i knew i couldn't afford to buy any new furniture, which meant i had to stick with gold, cream, rust & black, but i really wanted to modernize it a bit by adding some new colors. it took me forever to find a rug i liked and i needed some help from my talented mother to decide how to decorate, but i think i'm almost finished!

i still want to get a coffee table, a few blue pillows for my corner chairs and i need to paint the black 'j' on the wall a different color, but for the most part, i'm happy with it. my style is eclectic & i'm finally coming to terms with that. i like traditional, i like modern, i like vintage, i like it all and i think i'm finally learning how to be happy with my space even though i can't place myself in just one category.

my favorite part of the room are the trinkets that are displayed because each piece means something special to us. i decided to display pieces that were meaningful & get rid of anything that was just taking up space, so i focused on displaying my grandma's artwork, pictures we love, an old vase we got from greg's grandma (who originally owned the home we are in) and a hummel my grandma bennett gave me.



i used to feel like the room didn't match my personality, but just a few new touches and now i feel like it does. hooray!

Monday, November 8, 2010

snow, snow, snow!


 it's snowing outside! i can't wait until the world is coated in beautiful white fluff & this is what i see through my windows. are you guys cursing my name and throwing things at the computer screen right about now? i'm sorry. i know most people think snow is a pain, but this year i just can't wait for winter. i want to head up to the cabin, go for some baby-safe snowmobile rides, drink hot cocoa and watch christmas movies (there, i said it!).

tonight i'm starting off the "holiday season" right with homemade soup in bread bowls and hot cocoa for dessert. today i plan to find some sort of holiday craft i can work on for the next few weeks. i'm not much of a crafter, but momma needs something to keep her occupied until baby girl takes over her life in a few months. if you have any craft recommendations, please do share.

happy november!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

vegas with mi madre.

last week my mom & i snuck away to vegas where i proceeded to take the lamest pictures of my existence! i've posted all 4 of them here for your viewing pleasure. apparently i am only capable of taking pictures of traffic, the sky & my belly from above. lucky you.
besides my lame documentation, we had such a fun few days together. we shopped a ton for my little lady, ate yummy food, watched movies, got mini-makeovers, shared treats and best of all, visited my cousin kassie & her new little baby, jane.

i loved seeing my aunt and cousin and laughing together all afternoon & i don't think i have ever been so anxious to meet my baby as when i was holding jane. she is perfect and made me so excited for my own. it was also wonderful to have some alone time with my mom. i loved getting the giggles with her while trying to fall asleep, navigating traffic, people watching, oohing and ahhing over the same baby outfits at h&m and singing and talking for hours in the car on the way to & from vegas. she really is my very best friend. thanks mom for the fun trip, definitely one i'll always remember.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

all hallows eve.

 
we spent halloween eve eating pizza, sipping cider, going on a ghost tour and wandering through slc cemetery,which sounds a lot scarier than it is. trust me. also, we got 3 trick or treaters this year, which is 2 more than we got last year! how legit are we?!

i plan to spend the rest of the holiday watching hocus pocus (only the best halloween movie ever) in my pajamas and avoiding any truly scary movies. apparently i am the biggest wuss currently living & the first ten minutes of the exorcism of emily rose was enough to give me nightmares last night. happy haunting!

Friday, October 22, 2010

bad mom?

lately this little pup is making me worry about what kind of mother i will be.

let me explain.

jack is the most sensitive dog currently living. i don't know how we got so lucky/cursed to find such a tender-hearted little creature, but we did...and he is. i have owned dogs and been around dogs my entire life and i have never come across another who even comes close to him.

when i am home jack isn't secure unless he can see me and really, he prefers to be sitting on me, next to me or very close to me. if i go to the bathroom he goes too. if i'm on the computer he is lying at my feet, if i'm doing dishes he is sitting by the kitchen door watching me do them. there is no where to hide in this little home of ours & wherever i go, he will find me. i could go curl up in a ball in some obscure corner of our house and he would sniff me down within seconds, lay by my side and not move a muscle until i did. this is probably the point where most of you think i am exaggerating, but those of you who know him know that it really is that bad.

what makes things even more complicated is the fact that he can't just be near me, he must be looking at me and he prefers eye contact. he stares at me all day long and he takes each sniff, sneeze and eye-roll of mine as a personal insult to him. if i drop something, jack thinks i threw it at him. if i shift my weight on the couch, he automatically thinks i am going to get up and go somewhere and he must get up too RIGHT NOW because surely we have to go TOGETHER! he is off the couch and on the ground before i can even re-adjust...always anticipating my every move nervously.

now here is the part where i worry, because jack is the sweetest little dog who has ever lived and yet, he drives me insane. he makes me wonder if i will be as loving and kind as i hope i will be when i am a mother because all of this attention from my pup makes me want to die. or kill him. one or the other. 

i can't stand it when i'm in my bedroom getting dressed and he has to follow me from my closet to my dresser and back again. i get so irritated by how many times i trip over him because he insists on synchronizing every step of his with mine. sometimes i freak out and yell at him to leave me alone, which only makes him more concerned about me and his stares just get more intense. sometimes i lock him out of the room just to get dressed in peace, but then i see his tiny paw reaching underneath the door and i feel bad and let him in again.

do i sound crazy yet? i feel crazy. whenever i freak out at him for being so obsessed with me i automatically think of the little lady in my tummy and i wonder if it will be different with her. i hope i want her to follow me everywhere and don't get sick of her, but still, i worry. i don't even know why i am writing about this except for you to reassure me that motherhood isn't like that and i'll wish that my baby wanted to be with more, not less.

and if the truth is that motherhood is a lot like life with jack, then warn me now please, because i obviously have some serious issues i need to deal with asap!

ps. i promise i love jack. i just want him to go away sometimes, too.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

happy birthday, cute boy.

today is my g's birthday!
and even though he is no longer a boy & most definitely a man, i still can't stop myself from posting this picture of that cute little toe head in flannel. pictures like these make me so excited about the fact that i get to have his babies & they might look just like him...i can't wait!
this morning i woke up at the crack of dawn to make him norwegian pancakes 
& then i dropped him off at work with lunch & carmelitas for all his work buddies.
i'm sure he was very embarrassed, but i just can't help myself...i love this man! 

and for those of you who may not know, g is a twin, so it is tyler's birthday today as well. happy birthday ty! jennie & i most definitely know the answer to this question, but can the rest of you guess which twin is which?

Friday, October 8, 2010

taken.


attention all: i am claiming this man this weekend! between work, our rental home, our home and the cabin many others have needed his time and talents the past few weeks. and although i am so glad he has been able to help everyone who has needed it and get some big projects done, now he is mine!

i miss him way too much to let another weekend pass without spending any time together. he makes me happy, keeps me sane and makes me feel like i can deal with another day of 2 sick dogs barfing all over everything i own. tomorrow morning we need him to wake up with us instead of 2 hours before us and the little lady really wants to show him how hard she can kick now (she's been practicing). so in case you are wondering, he is taken. ;-)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

the view.

i've noticed that i've taken a lot of these types of pictures over the last few months. it's amusing to watch my belly slowly swallow my feet as this tummy grows. and yes, this angle does make my bump look a lot larger than it is in person, but let it be known-the little lady & i are doing some serious growing over here.

Monday, October 4, 2010

an afternoon in october.

fall is here.
the pumpkin spice candle is lit
apple cider is brewing
and miniature pumpkins have been purchased and displayed.

the world is being bathed in rain
the air is crisp
and the sky is dark and dramatic.

the rain has brought me a cold
so this afternoon was spent on the couch
cozy sweater
socks on

sipping orange juice
watching the sky
feeling my baby kick inside me
as this tissue pile grows and grows.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

tiny spoon at dinner.


we spent our anniversary evening up at log haven. neither of us had ever been before & let's just say we didn't realize how fancy & expensive it is.

we chose to go there because i really wanted to eat somewhere up the canyon & we were a little under-dressed & under-prepared for what the restaurant had to offer. the food was delicious, but we spent the majority of the dinner giggling at funny things our waitress said & did and feeling way too immature to be there. i was especially obsessed with that teensy tiny little spoon that came with a teensy tiny little bowl of sea salt! i simply couldn't resist pretending it was our soup spoon & taking pictures with it...why? because, i'm mature, that's why.

it was one of my favorite nights together, lover. an evening spent people-watching & laughing with you is an evening well-spent!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

four years ago today i made the best decision of my life when i married my sweet husband.

every single day since that beautiful day in the temple i have been grateful that we found each other and amazed by what a sweet, loving, kind and good man he is. over the years he has supported me, believed in me, comforted me, cheered me up, calmed me down, made me smile, made me laugh, made me mad, impressed me, taken care of me and loved me unconditionally. and throughout it all i have always thought the same thing; there is no one i would rather have by my side.

happy anniversary to my love, my best friend, my favorite person, my baby-daddy and my dear sweet husband. this is our last year celebrating as a duo and when i think back on the four years we've spent together i know i will remember them as some of the happiest years of my life. even better, i know the best is still to come.

i love you.