Thursday, April 1, 2010

precipice.

today, i discovered that a little comment i left on a stranger's blog (although, we aren't strangers anymore, are we? let's just be friends) was read, considered and then answered in the most thoughtful way. you can read my question and her answer here, if you'd like. i think she answered beautifully.

and in case you don't make the jump to see what all of this is about, i asked her about writing courageously. i was impressed with the honest and sincere tone of her blog and wished i could summon up those kind of guts. you know, to really write without though or concern for who might be reading and what they might think about me as a result. to really put myself out there.

when i look back on this little blog, i am glad it's here, because it's full of memories. i can see the details of the days that make up my life. i can see that i am happy. that i'm in love. that right now, life for me is about marriage. to me, my blog says those things and i'm glad i've written them down.

but my blog also doesn't say a lot.

there are many things in my life that i choose not to write about, simply because they are too personal and sacred to share and i think that's okay.

but, there are a lot of things i've left out, simply because i haven't been brave enough to write about them. writing is such a personal process and for me writing things that might be difficult to say sometimes feels like exposing my insides for the world to see.  it stings a little bit and i feel naked and exposed, but it feels good, too.

it feels good to be honest. it feels good to be brave. mostly, it feels good to have even just one person read what you wrote and say, "yah", "i get it", "i've been there", "me too".

today, as i drove slowly through my blinding-white neighborhood under the beaming sun, i couldn't help but feel like i'm standing on the edge of a precipice. eveything is about to change and to be completely honest, i am equal parts thrilled, excited and scared as hell.

this past year has been a roller coaster. i've alluded to some of the trials we've had to face, and those of you who know me, know that i didn't progress in all of the ways i wanted to. in a lot of ways, last year i felt a little bit stuck, with no way of releasing myself. last year i didn't become everything i hoped i would be, but i also feel like i learned more about myself than ever before. i was forced to show my true colors and all of that disappointment certainly brought strength.

but now.

now, i feel like everything is changing. now, we're standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump, with no way of knowing where we'll land. everything is about to change and sometimes i wonder if i am brave enough to accept all of it. now, i am wondering if i can really embrace a whole new life.

a new life where g will abandon a full-time job and embrace life as a full time student
a new life where our finances will change drastically and we'll have to learn to go without
a new life where i won't be a student anymore and after 4+ years, will finally be a graduate
a new life where we might not be living in our cozy little home anymore
a new life where i might have to move away from everything
and everyone
i love

i'm scared.

this past week as law school results have started to roll in, reality has rolled in with them. the reality that i might be packing up my life and moving it somewhere else in just a few short months is setting in and can't help but question what i'm really made of. leaving behind the mountains, the trees, the sky and especially, the people, is going to feel like leaving behind my soul. i hope i am brave enough to face all of the uncertainty courageously and most importantly, without regret.

yes, i can feel it...we are headed towards a new life. i don't know where we're going, but i do know where we've been and at the end of the day, i guess that's all that matters. we've been through ups and downs and we've gotten through all of it together. that's what's most important. maybe the point of this last year was to turn him and me, into a "we". because now i know that we can face anything if we stick together.

i don't know where i'm going, but i know who will be standing next to me when it's time to go.
and i guess that's all i really need.

7 comments:

  1. What a great post. I really have nothing profound to say, but that I enjoyed this, and I'm so happy that you are embracing this part of your life - because that's all you can do!
    Love you!

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  2. You are an amazing writer Jes! Recently Oliver and I picked up our belongings and headed to Washington where we don’t know a soul. I’m not going to lie, it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never cried more and never been so homesick, at the same time Oliver and I have never been so close. It’s so tough moving away from family, friends and everything that is familiar, but I’ll give you the same advice I gave Rachel. Be happy you will be moving somewhere where there are other couples going through the same thing as you. You’ll get to know all the other law students wives and probably make great friendships with them. I really wish we moved here for Oliver to go to school. Instead we are in a (ghetto/ white-trash ) suburb and there are no young couples. If I can survive here, you can survive wherever you go. Good luck girl! XOXO

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  3. I feel the same way about my blog. You wouldn't believe how many posts I've written and not actually posted. I feel like my life is mine and no one else should intrude, but then again, like you said, it's nice to sometimes have someone else's input.

    I'm sorry about all the changes that are happening right now with you, all at the same time. That certainly is a lot to take in at once. Dan has been a full time Veterinary student for the last three years, so our finances and our time together have been a little rough, so if you ever wanna talk about anything just let me know. Moving is definitely scary. I've moved like five times I think in my life and each time it's heartbreaking, but there is always something amazing that comes out of the experience. There is always somewhere you're supposed to be at a certain time so that you can meet someone, learn a lesson, or understand yourself better. Moving on is terrifying, so I feel for you, but I also know that if anyone is strong enough to handle this, it's you. You are a strong, smart, beautiful, and caring person, so I know you'll find the greatness in wherever or whatever happens.

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  4. i know you will do great. hard things always turn out to be the biggest strength builders. you are going to be so tough, it will be hard. its ok to cry and to miss the way things used to be...but you will learn so much- and have such a fun adventure! jess- you are awesome. i love to read what you have to write. i know this is cheesy but i loook forward to reading your blog every day, and quite frankly when it is a couple of days when you havent written- i get a little antsy. hahah thank you for allowing me to be a little part of your life. dont be scared, look forward with courage and determined to have the best adventure- like you said - who better to share in that adventure with than your sweet husband? anyway- i will stop rambling. but good luck! and please dont ever stop writing.

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  5. you do have some HUGE changes coming, but I know that you will look back on these scary days in a few years and realize they were a blessing and you are right where you are supposed to be. We will miss you so much if you leave, and if you stay I can't wait for you to no longer be a student full time so we can hang out lots!

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  6. dear friend,
    i will be so sad if you leave Utah. I will miss you so much. You will do soo good where ever you end up though- you are wonderful at making new friends and looking at the positive. People are drawn to you and want to be your friend. You are independent and know what you like and want. This will help you be brave in a new, unfamiliar place. Although I wish i could make you stay- and i soo hope you can- i know that if life takes you somewhere else- you will be just fine. (i dont know if i will be though) :)

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  7. I would be terrified a bit too I think. But, really, what an adventure! And there's no better time to do it. I'm excited for you! My sister and her husband took this route and have moved far away from me. :( But the things she has learned about herself, the way the two of them have come together even more than before, and the exciting new people and things they've discovered are absolutely priceless to her and I know she doesn't regret it a bit.

    But I miss her. :) And I will miss you.

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thank you for your shout outs!