today, i discovered that a little comment i left on a stranger's blog (although, we aren't strangers anymore, are we? let's just be friends) was read, considered and then answered in the most thoughtful way. you can read my question and her answer here, if you'd like. i think she answered beautifully.
and in case you don't make the jump to see what all of this is about, i asked her about writing courageously. i was impressed with the honest and sincere tone of her blog and wished i could summon up those kind of guts. you know, to really write without though or concern for who might be reading and what they might think about me as a result. to really put myself out there.
when i look back on this little blog, i am glad it's here, because it's full of memories. i can see the details of the days that make up my life. i can see that i am happy. that i'm in love. that right now, life for me is about marriage. to me, my blog says those things and i'm glad i've written them down.
but my blog also doesn't say a lot.
there are many things in my life that i choose not to write about, simply because they are too personal and sacred to share and i think that's okay.
but, there are a lot of things i've left out, simply because i haven't been brave enough to write about them. writing is such a personal process and for me writing things that might be difficult to say sometimes feels like exposing my insides for the world to see. it stings a little bit and i feel naked and exposed, but it feels good, too.
it feels good to be honest. it feels good to be brave. mostly, it feels good to have even just one person read what you wrote and say, "yah", "i get it", "i've been there", "me too".
today, as i drove slowly through my blinding-white neighborhood under the beaming sun, i couldn't help but feel like i'm standing on the edge of a precipice. eveything is about to change and to be completely honest, i am equal parts thrilled, excited and scared as hell.
this past year has been a roller coaster. i've alluded to some of the trials we've had to face, and those of you who know me, know that i didn't progress in all of the ways i wanted to. in a lot of ways, last year i felt a little bit stuck, with no way of releasing myself. last year i didn't become everything i hoped i would be, but i also feel like i learned more about myself than ever before. i was forced to show my true colors and all of that disappointment certainly brought strength.
now, i feel like everything is changing. now, we're standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump, with no way of knowing where we'll land. everything is about to change and sometimes i wonder if i am brave enough to accept all of it. now, i am wondering if i can really embrace a whole new life.
a new life where g will abandon a full-time job and embrace life as a full time student
a new life where our finances will change drastically and we'll have to learn to go without
a new life where i won't be a student anymore and after 4+ years, will finally be a graduate
a new life where we might not be living in our cozy little home anymore
a new life where i might have to move away from everything
this past week as law school results have started to roll in, reality has rolled in with them. the reality that i might be packing up my life and moving it somewhere else in just a few short months is setting in and can't help but question what i'm really made of. leaving behind the mountains, the trees, the sky and especially, the people, is going to feel like leaving behind my soul. i hope i am brave enough to face all of the uncertainty courageously and most importantly, without regret.
yes, i can feel it...we are headed towards a new life. i don't know where we're going, but i do know where we've been and at the end of the day, i guess that's all that matters. we've been through ups and downs and we've gotten through all of it together. that's what's most important. maybe the point of this last year was to turn him and me, into a "we". because now i know that we can face anything if we stick together.
i don't know where i'm going, but i know who will be standing next to me when it's time to go.
and i guess that's all i really need.