Thursday, April 29, 2010

hello, finals.

pardon the brief absence, i'm currently buried in a pile of notes, tests, observations and portfolios to wrap up the 18 credits i took this semester.

and then, i get a whopping 3 DAYS OFF and i get to get going full force with the 22 credits i am taking this summer in order to graduate before we move.

yes people, 22. i've been known to do lots of credits in the past, but even 22 is new for me. and surprisingly, it's as much as the university will allow in a single semester, so i'm guessing i might die.

all of this effort, stress and craziness is simply so i can follow my man wherever his heart takes him this fall. all so we won't have to be apart for longer than a week or two. all so that he can have the freedom to persue his dreams- wherever those dreams might take him-with me by his side. the way it should be.

it's going to be a ton of work and like i said, i might die, but it's so worth it. i love that man, i love our life and i love our "us" and there is no where i'd rather be than where he is. i don't know the state, city or school, and all of that information is going to be thrown at me before i even have time to blink, but i'll take it and i'll go, because it means will be together.

and it also means i'll be a college grad, which is pretty rad too.

Monday, April 26, 2010

been awake since 5.

this morning i felt like zooey deschanel in failure to launch.
you know?...that scene where she's so sick of the bird chirping outside her window that she finally shoots it with a bb gun? (aka: the only funny scene in the movie)

there are birds nests in the trees outside our window and they wake up with the sun and chirp like they're trying to get a hold of someone across the valley.

if i wasn't such an animal lover, those sweet little birds would be in trouble.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

funk.

this weekend i...

was in a really bad mood

except friends brought over shakes.
and chatted until midnight.
and brother showed up
and saturday turned out to be sunny.
and we lounged on the lawn.
and i cleaned my house in 10 minutes.
and jack fell asleep on my head.
and we went to the temple.
and g bought me dinner.
and we rented a red box.
and i didn't choke while giving the prayer in sacrament meeting.
and craigy made me laugh.
and mom made cookies.
and i fell asleep early.

but other than that, i was in a really bad mood. ;)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

and two little men.

who happen to be getting much better at the poop eating thing.
who won't leave me alone.
who frequently look homeless.
who get so excited when i walk through the door.
who don't leave their bed until noon.
who are obsessed with each other.
who take out every toy we own and scatter them all over the house.
who are quite spastic & crazy.
who live to chase the birds at the park.
who freak out whenever i say the word "park".
who seem to always need a bath & a haircut.
who can cheer me up faster than almost anything else.
who spend their days sleeping in the sunshine.

Monday, April 19, 2010

sunday picnic.

i was physically itching all weekend to get outside, the weather was just too perfect. sunday afternoon we packed up and headed out for a little picnic. g fell asleep on our blanket and i entertained myself with my camera (as you can see!). we love all of the parks in our area-hopefully wherever we are going will have a few too.

happy monday!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

first bbq.



after being...

snowed on
rained on
peed on (many times)
hailed on
untouched

and completely neglected all winter

our little backyard barbecue somehow survived.

i sort of couldn't believe it.

we celebrated this triumph on saturday night with homemade garlic burgers and fries for dinner.

i am in love with g's secret garlic burger recipe, movie nights and warm evenings on the lawn.

it doesn't get much better.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

3 weeks.




that's how long ago one of g's law school study buddies received his rejection from the u. it was 3 weeks ago. and now, 3 weeks have passed and we still haven't heard a thing from them. what gives?

it's completely strange and surreal to know that you could be moving to a different state in 3 months but have no idea where you might be going. do i pack? should i start organizing? do i need to round up boxes? where on earth are we going to live?

and when friends and family ask about summer vacations, bbq's or get togethers i have to respond by saying, "we would love to! if we're still living here!"

it's weird.

g might be handling all the of the suspense a bit better than i am. he deals with stress by remaining cool, calm and collected. i am handling the suspense by baking banana muffins and ordering new earnings online. you know, doing the really important stuff. and even though i have never been so unsure in my entire life, i can't help but completely love and enjoy this time, too.

a year ago, when i was working full time while going to school, i was so unbelievably jealous of anyone who had the time to bake or take a walk or do something for themselves. i used to ask those people how it felt to "live the dream", because my life consisted of running to work and then to school and then to homework and then to bed. there wasn't much time for silliness and certainly no time for oprah.

but now i am drawing and reading and cooking dinner again and it feels so good to be reminded of who i was before life grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me forcefully into a life of responsibility. i haven't had this type of freedom, perhaps, ever, and for that reason, i am loving this little state of limbo we are stuck in. not knowing what next year or next month might bring is kind of exhilarating. i am learning to not fear the unknown and trying very hard to remind myself that, in the end, we end up where we belong.

and it really can't suck too bad, because for this short amount of time, i am finally "living the dream" too.

*picture is a result of trying to take a photo of my new earrings, which was harder than it sounds! (and for the record, i promise i will get around to getting my eyebrows done very soon. yikes)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

do you think it's a sign?


i think it's funny that when a law school in sunny san diego sent us a "yes, please come!" letter yesterday they included their average daily temperature on the first page. "65-77 degrees daily!" they proclaimed, and i wondered if they did research on us prior to find out exactly what my weaknesses are (sunshine and sand being among the first on the list).

i think it's funny that 5 minutes after i opened and read that letter (and then called g to congratulate him) it began to snow so hard that the even the sounds of "lost" on tv and a sizzling hot pizza in the oven couldn't drown out the noise on my tin roof or make the snowstorm feel magical, instead of depressing.

i think it's funny that the next morning i woke up to what seemed like 2 feet of snow on top of my car and walked with slush in my boots (and a frown on my face) all the way to yoga.

i think it's funny that when i came home afterwords and decided to try to embrace the brisk morning, my oatmeal tasted like cardboard and the milk i poured into my teapot for hot cocoa boiled over and shot out in a scalding hot rainbow arch across my kitchen.

we want to stay.
really, we do.

but doesn't "65-77 degrees daily!" sound lovely right about now?

Monday, April 5, 2010

peeps.



today, these pictures made me smile. i love this little family. they are so good to me (these pics were taken on my birthday when they surprised me with a visit). and little briggs is in love with j bubba, which is totally hilarious.

ps. i think i'm shrinking. i've known that gorgeous blonde standing next to me for a million years & i swear i've never been that short standing next to her. holls, please tell me you were wearing heels!?

ipod replaces husband?

i love my new ipod touch...have i mentioned that?

ever since g bought it for me, he has been stricken with jealousy. he is jealous that i have one and he doesnt. he is jealous of all the apps. and he is jealous that i love mine so much.

last night, he even went so far as to suggest that i download a "husband app". we were lying in bed and i was playing with my ipod, much to his dismay. he decided that if someone hasn't already invented a "husband app" he was going to do it. "you can customize the husband's appearance and choose which compliments he gives you and then your ipod will really be the only thing you need" he suggested. whatever you say, g!

in my defense, he was being really dramatic.
in his defense, i really can't put it down.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

precipice.

today, i discovered that a little comment i left on a stranger's blog (although, we aren't strangers anymore, are we? let's just be friends) was read, considered and then answered in the most thoughtful way. you can read my question and her answer here, if you'd like. i think she answered beautifully.

and in case you don't make the jump to see what all of this is about, i asked her about writing courageously. i was impressed with the honest and sincere tone of her blog and wished i could summon up those kind of guts. you know, to really write without though or concern for who might be reading and what they might think about me as a result. to really put myself out there.

when i look back on this little blog, i am glad it's here, because it's full of memories. i can see the details of the days that make up my life. i can see that i am happy. that i'm in love. that right now, life for me is about marriage. to me, my blog says those things and i'm glad i've written them down.

but my blog also doesn't say a lot.

there are many things in my life that i choose not to write about, simply because they are too personal and sacred to share and i think that's okay.

but, there are a lot of things i've left out, simply because i haven't been brave enough to write about them. writing is such a personal process and for me writing things that might be difficult to say sometimes feels like exposing my insides for the world to see.  it stings a little bit and i feel naked and exposed, but it feels good, too.

it feels good to be honest. it feels good to be brave. mostly, it feels good to have even just one person read what you wrote and say, "yah", "i get it", "i've been there", "me too".

today, as i drove slowly through my blinding-white neighborhood under the beaming sun, i couldn't help but feel like i'm standing on the edge of a precipice. eveything is about to change and to be completely honest, i am equal parts thrilled, excited and scared as hell.

this past year has been a roller coaster. i've alluded to some of the trials we've had to face, and those of you who know me, know that i didn't progress in all of the ways i wanted to. in a lot of ways, last year i felt a little bit stuck, with no way of releasing myself. last year i didn't become everything i hoped i would be, but i also feel like i learned more about myself than ever before. i was forced to show my true colors and all of that disappointment certainly brought strength.

but now.

now, i feel like everything is changing. now, we're standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump, with no way of knowing where we'll land. everything is about to change and sometimes i wonder if i am brave enough to accept all of it. now, i am wondering if i can really embrace a whole new life.

a new life where g will abandon a full-time job and embrace life as a full time student
a new life where our finances will change drastically and we'll have to learn to go without
a new life where i won't be a student anymore and after 4+ years, will finally be a graduate
a new life where we might not be living in our cozy little home anymore
a new life where i might have to move away from everything
and everyone
i love

i'm scared.

this past week as law school results have started to roll in, reality has rolled in with them. the reality that i might be packing up my life and moving it somewhere else in just a few short months is setting in and can't help but question what i'm really made of. leaving behind the mountains, the trees, the sky and especially, the people, is going to feel like leaving behind my soul. i hope i am brave enough to face all of the uncertainty courageously and most importantly, without regret.

yes, i can feel it...we are headed towards a new life. i don't know where we're going, but i do know where we've been and at the end of the day, i guess that's all that matters. we've been through ups and downs and we've gotten through all of it together. that's what's most important. maybe the point of this last year was to turn him and me, into a "we". because now i know that we can face anything if we stick together.

i don't know where i'm going, but i know who will be standing next to me when it's time to go.
and i guess that's all i really need.