Thursday, January 27, 2011

meet evie.

 our baby girl
evie jane olsen
was born on 1.21.11
5 lbs. 15 oz.
18 inches long

we've only known her for 6 days and already i cannot imagine life without her. her name is pronounced eh-vee (not eve-ee) and we think it suits her perfectly. after all, she has been evie to me all along. so far her little spirit is happy and content and we feel like the luckiest parents on the planet. she is perfectly healthy and didn't require any special care at the hospital. we know that many of you joined us in offering prayers on her behalf and we can't thank you enough for all that you did. our prayers were answered in the most magnificent way and now we have a beautiful baby girl to show for all of the sacrifice and hard moments this pregnancy required. it took about 5 seconds for her spirit to erase all the pain and heaviness my heart had been harboring over the last few months and now i feel so completely whole again. she has made every second of loneliness and sadness so worth it. we are in love.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

home to me.

now that i'm nearing the end of this experience
my old life is calling out to me again
for so many days and weeks i would ignore the urge to think about it
i would pretend that home didn't exist
that this was my home
because thinking about everything i was missing was just too painful.

in the evenings, i would watch my little family leave and try hard not to think about where they were going.
night after night i would put on my slippers and walk them to the door and then watch my tall husband walk quickly away with two tiny pups running beside him.

sometimes the pups would turn around and see me watching them
their steps would inevitably stop at the sight of me still standing there
forcing g to drag them along until they turned the corner and i was out of sight

those moments made my heart hurt so badly it almost always brought tears to my eyes.
that man, those dogs, that life.
that is where i belong.
that is my home.

now that the end is in sight, all i can think about is my home
my little family
my simple, mundane, beautiful life.

i can't wait to have it all back again.

sure, i'll be stuck inside with my baby for a few months
and recovering for part of that time
but mark my words, i will be happy
i will be content
i will be grateful
i will be whole
because i will be home.

home to sleep in my bed
home to enjoy my surroundings
home to see my city lights through the window
home to take a bath
home to wake up next to my husband
home to fall asleep next to him, too
home to feed my dogs
home to make my house beautiful 
home to light candles in the evening
home to cook dinner
home to play pandora in the afternoon
home to enjoy sunshine through the windows
home to go for a walk
home to smell freshly washed sheets
home to let my spirit shine
home to be with my people
home to rock my baby 
home to be happy
home to belong

home is everything, because family is everything.
if i have learned one thing from 40 days in the hospital, it is that.
family is everything.

my daily life was so beautiful because it was filled with the people i love. we were not meant to face this life alone. a loving God gave us the divine gift of a family to fill our days with joy and peace. He orchestrated the family so you and i would have someone to fall asleep with, wake up with and do everything in between with. this is His gift to us. and like most of us, i didn't fully comprehend the significance of this gift until i found myself all alone.

my life is really beautiful. it was beautiful before, and even though it feels unbearable right now, it will be beautiful again.

your life is really beautiful, too.
please don't forget it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

bump watch.

here i am at almost 36 weeks posing for posterity in my lovely hospital bathroom! i haven't taken a picture of my belly since this whole debacle began, so today i decided i would find the time in my busy busy schedule to get it done. despite the hardships of my current situation, i still love being pregnant and i need to be better about documenting the good things, like no sickness, very few aches, and a ginormous belly that gets in my way and reminds me that i really am bringing a person into this world. i feel huge, but i really can't complain-i want this baby to get as big as possible considering the fact that she is coming out oh so very very soon. plus, i bet you didn't think it was possible to carry a baby that high. well, now you know!

Friday, January 7, 2011

still cooking.

i know i should be happy about that & i am, but i'm also losing it. for the first 3 weeks all of the nurses told me every day that i was the favorite patient- the one with the best attitude, who was handling things and keeping my cool and still cracking jokes and not crying hysterically every day.

well that lasted 20+ days and now i am officially no longer that person. the crying and freaking out has begun & i don't know how much more i can take. baby is scheduled to be delivered a few days short of 37 weeks & i swear if they try to push it back (again) i might hurt someone. i can take another week or so of this & i can take no more.

i'm happy for baby girl that she is doing so well, but she better ready herself for the big bad world, because there is no way in hell i can do this for much longer. sorry for the bummer post, friends, but everyone has their breaking point & i've officially reached mine. as always, thank you for your thoughts & prayers and i apologize for the poor mood. the good news is today is friday, which means my little family (g+pups) will spend the weekend here with me and i won't have to eat hospital food for a few days and that makes everything more bearable.

ps. baby weighs over 5 pounds this week-she has put on a half a pound each week i've been here! in other news, she is now sucking her entire hand rather than just her thumb. go right ahead, little one, if you can get all 5 fingers in there then why the hell not?

pps. sorry for the usage of two semi-swear words in this post. just keeping it real, folks.