Tuesday, January 18, 2011

home to me.

now that i'm nearing the end of this experience
my old life is calling out to me again
for so many days and weeks i would ignore the urge to think about it
i would pretend that home didn't exist
that this was my home
because thinking about everything i was missing was just too painful.

in the evenings, i would watch my little family leave and try hard not to think about where they were going.
night after night i would put on my slippers and walk them to the door and then watch my tall husband walk quickly away with two tiny pups running beside him.

sometimes the pups would turn around and see me watching them
their steps would inevitably stop at the sight of me still standing there
forcing g to drag them along until they turned the corner and i was out of sight

those moments made my heart hurt so badly it almost always brought tears to my eyes.
that man, those dogs, that life.
that is where i belong.
that is my home.

now that the end is in sight, all i can think about is my home
my little family
my simple, mundane, beautiful life.

i can't wait to have it all back again.

sure, i'll be stuck inside with my baby for a few months
and recovering for part of that time
but mark my words, i will be happy
i will be content
i will be grateful
i will be whole
because i will be home.

home to sleep in my bed
home to enjoy my surroundings
home to see my city lights through the window
home to take a bath
home to wake up next to my husband
home to fall asleep next to him, too
home to feed my dogs
home to make my house beautiful 
home to light candles in the evening
home to cook dinner
home to play pandora in the afternoon
home to enjoy sunshine through the windows
home to go for a walk
home to smell freshly washed sheets
home to let my spirit shine
home to be with my people
home to rock my baby 
home to be happy
home to belong

home is everything, because family is everything.
if i have learned one thing from 40 days in the hospital, it is that.
family is everything.

my daily life was so beautiful because it was filled with the people i love. we were not meant to face this life alone. a loving God gave us the divine gift of a family to fill our days with joy and peace. He orchestrated the family so you and i would have someone to fall asleep with, wake up with and do everything in between with. this is His gift to us. and like most of us, i didn't fully comprehend the significance of this gift until i found myself all alone.

my life is really beautiful. it was beautiful before, and even though it feels unbearable right now, it will be beautiful again.

your life is really beautiful, too.
please don't forget it.

3 comments:

  1. You are such a beautiful writer. It's true that you don't appreciate those little things until they're gone. I know that I take my home and family for granted everyday. It's only when you're not able to sleep in your own bed and see your sweetheart in the morning that you truly appreciate home and family. I am excited for you that you only have one more day in the hospital, and after that you will have your baby and be able to go home with your husband. You are such a trooper! Good luck tomorrow!

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  2. Today is the day! I am thinking about you and hope all goes well! Love you and your cute family.

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  3. TODAY IS THE DAY! I am thinking about you as well and love keeping up on your life through your blog. I love this post because it is oh so true.
    Love you Jess!

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