Wednesday, March 9, 2011

you.

first, there were only gassy smiles. the "i'm pooping right now" and "this nap feels wonderful" smiles. you'd smile in the middle of the night under the glow of my bedside, with your eyelids fluttering and dancing quietly. i'd notice those smiles and pretend they were deliberate. hadn't i just kissed you, held you closer, whispered your name? surely, that smile was meant for me.

then, there were unintentional smiles. the smiles that spread across your face when no one was looking. i'd glance over at you and suddenly, below your nose, sat the goofiest grin, resting there without reason. you weren't smiling at anyone or anything yet, your lips were simply learning to form the gesture.

finally, at 4 weeks old, you looked straight into my eyes and smiled because you meant it. i couldn't believe my eyes, had that really happened? i'd been singing to you in the afternoon, after nursing, we were cuddled up together on a sunny day. i called your dad in disbelief and then spent the rest of the day trying to make it happen again. i sang to you, the same song, at least a hundred times, my voice becoming more animated with each attempt. that day, i did everything short of putting on a private play for you, just to elicit that same delicious grin.

the smiles kept coming, although i had to work hard to retrieve them. clicking my tongue, kissing your cheeks, touching our noses together...every now and then i'd do something silly enough to make you smile at me again and each time you did, it felt like christmas morning.

you smiled at your dad for the first time soon after. it was at the cabin, early in the morning, cuddled in bed. the three of us were curled up together, waiting for the sun to rise. your dad kissed you and held you and said your name and you rewarded him with the biggest smile yet. i think his heart melted right then and there and i'm not sure it's recovered since. he hugged you close to his chest and told me that that was the best thing he'd ever seen. christmas morning, again.

now, you smile all the time. you smile when i'm changing your diaper, when i turn on the music i play for you just before bed. you smile up at me when i'm feeding you, when i'm holding you or talking to you, singing your name. you smile when i leave the room and come back again, you smile when i lay next to you on the floor, my body close to yours. you smile because it's my face you are looking at and my voice you can hear.

now, you smile simply because we're together. and those are my favorite smiles of all.

5 comments:

  1. Those first smiles are the best - and you never forget them!
    I can't wait to see her again and see her beautiful smile for myself :)

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  2. Hey Jessica, I stalk your cute blog occasionally through the link on Annette's blog - congrats on your sweet baby. There's nothing like that sweet first baby and how much you just treasure every second. I have a question for you - where did you get her cute headband with the thin elastic? I love it!

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  3. Reading this just makes me more and more excited to meet my little girl.

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  4. Jess,
    You are an amazing writer! You have such a great talent of expressing yourself through words. Evie is very lucky to be able to read about this wonderful moment sometime in the future.

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  5. Awwwwwww! SO sweet! I just adore baby smiles and can't get enough.I will do anything for them!

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thank you for your shout outs!