Tuesday, April 19, 2011
a long day.
Usually, the rain makes me feel cozy, romantic, happy.
Yesterday, the rain made me feel restless, instead.
Yesterday was the kind of day where Evie woke up early from every single nap.
Which would have been alright, except I had this overwhelming desire to get lots of things done.
So, I ended up getting lots of things partially done, instead.
At the end of the day, I couldn't help feeling like I'd started everything and accomplished nothing.
I felt a bit useless.
And then, Ev decided to hate nursing (she does this sometimes) which, after an hour, left me fighting back tears. So, I picked up my fussy baby, swaddled her tightly and put her to bed, empty stomach and all. She quickly closed her eyes and settled into sleep-giving me the free-time I'd been craving for the past 4 hours.
I thought about everything I could finish.
I thought about the couch, about relaxing for a while.
And then I thought about my baby.
How she'd been impossible all night; crying for no reason, refusing to eat, for no reason. Sad, for no reason. How I'd accomplished next to nothing that day.
I thought about her for a while and then found myself back in her room.
I stood above her crib, watched her sleep.
I watched her eyelids flutter softly.
Watched her breathing, steadily, in and out.
Felt the contentment of a peaceful baby, grateful for sleep after a long, full day.
And then it came flooding back to me.
That feeling, that reassurance.
The one that tells me today was well spent.
Today was meaningful, important.
The one that reminds me that despite the messy house, the mutual exhaustion, the fussy baby...
I did something good today.
I watched my sleeping baby, and I was reminded that this is all I've ever wanted.
A rainy day, an endless afternoon, a fussy evening.
A long day spent being a Mom.