Thursday, June 2, 2011

just because.

Last week I mastered the fine art of acquiring flowers RANDOMLY from the man in my life. Yes, that's right. Flowers. In a vase on my coffee table. You know, "just because".

Want to know how I did it, so you can do it, too?!

Read on, friends!

{First, I should probably preface this by admitting that yes, this is a big deal and no, he doesn't buy me flowers "just because". And while we're at it, I do still think he loves me and fine, and am taking him out of the "Mormon Bloggers Best Husband in THE UNIVERSE" contest, because obviously husbands who don't supply flowers weekly "just because" need not apply!}

Moving on...

G believes flowers make a poor gift. "They die!" he says. "They're pretty!" I respond! "They're overpriced!" he cries, "They smell wonderful!" I argue! My husband, G, (in case you haven't already noticed) is all things practical and no things frilly. "Give a gift that dies?!" he wonders, "How rude!" G would love to get you something that is well-made and well-thought out and will last you a long, long time, preferably the rest of your life. Flowers need not apply.

And that's okay. I mean, I don't feel too duped (even though I ALWAYS remind him that he sent me flowers at work "just because" while we were dating with a note that said something like "Dearest Love of my Life, I'm going to Lake Powell without you and I will miss you so much I might die a slow and tragic death!" and whoa! That was seriously romantic of him, now wasn't it?

But last week I needed flowers. My house was dreary. The weather was awful. The baby had shots in her thighs and proceeded to cry alligator tears for the following 7 hours and you guys, I knew flowers could make it better. I just knew it.

So I set out to get them.

The first step in acquiring flowers "just because!" is to send the husband to a place where flowers are sold. This is tricky, because how are you going to get him to a florist shop!? I pondered and prayed about this question and received no answers. It can't be done. You could choose a grocery store, but the flowers you will receive in return will be ugly and small and may or may not smell like carrots. And that's no fun for anyone, now is it?

So, where to send him? The answer to this question is the same answer to almost all questions you might have in your lifetime: Costco. Get your husband to Costco! Send him for bread and avocados and Aussie Bites (because boy are they good) and cross your fingers Costco's flower selection that day consists of those glorious sunflowers that are as large as your head.

Once you've sent him on his way, brace yourself because here comes the tricky part. Your timing in this eneadvor is crucial. You must call him precicely while he is standing next to the flowers in order for his train of thought to lead him straight where you want him to go. It works best to imagine him going through the motions of his errand. Imagine him staring at the electronics for a good 5 or 10 (or 30?) minutes...Imagine him hunting down the bread and the avacados and those delicious Aussie Bites. Imagine him rounding the corner and stealing some samples (you get the idea...)

Once he has reached the flower section IN YOUR MIND! pick up the phone! Call that boy and chit chat for a moment or two and then start to lament about how long your day was and how many hairs you lost in the shower that day and mention (again) that Oprah is no longer there to comfort you at 4pm and isn't that tragic?! Once he is feeling sufficiently sympathetic you must deliver this line: "I just need something small to cheer me up"*

And then wait.

Because it is in this moment that he will look up and see the flowers. Those flowers will be staring him in the face and the hallelujah chorus will begin. "I am the answer!" they will sing! "Bring me home to her!" they will cry and suddenly he will feel all heroic because Look! The answer! Right there in front of him! (what are they odds?!)

Within 20 minutes or so he will return home with the flowers of your dreams in hand and a satisfied smile on his face, because look how thoughtful he is and didn't he just make your day?! This is the part where you should smile and bat your eyes and possibly go weak in the knees and fall into his arms proclaiming "Flowers!! I'm shocked! Why did you bring me these?"

And the answer to that question will most definitely be, "just because".

*If that line doesn't work try "Some flowers might make it better..."**
**If that line doesn't work try "Buy me flowers. Now. Please" ***
***If that line doesn't work I've got nothing.

3 comments:

  1. I love this. haha. This cracked me up. Way to get your man to get you flowers and still think it was his idea. That, my friend, is a win-win-win situation.

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  2. I'm shaking because I'm laughing and it's hard to write this. I'm laughing & it's annoying my ENTIRE family because they're trying to watch the Dallas/Miami game and I am laughing my caniving laugh on the other couch. You are BRILLIANT!!! My husband is going to be subjected to this asap. Thank you for breaking it down & coming up with it in the first place!

    p.s. Aussie Bites look like Brownie Bites but they have healthy stuff in them, yes? I held a package of them in m hand last week for a good solid 10 minutes last week and then slowly, painfully, put them back down. I've thought of them many times since. I'm taking your post as a sign that I do, in fact, need them as a part of my life.

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  3. I love reading your blog! You are such a great writer!

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thank you for your shout outs!