Just nursed my baby to sleep, right? Woops.
I used to say that I wouldn't let my baby's nap schedule rule my life. And it doesn't. Except it does. Because boy do I get stressed out when we aren't home for her to take them. And I try to get her to nap other places, really I do. Except she is acquiring quite the little personality these days and she really doesn't want to. And sometimes it's just easier to let her win.
I used to say that I would never eat more than 2 ghirardelli brownies per day and I would still make time to paint my fingernails. Except I had one earlier, and one just now and a couple more sound good when I finish writing this post, don't you think? And while we're having this discussion, do you know what happens the second you finish painting your nails, friends?! The baby wakes up and they get ruined, so why bother? My nails look awful.
Before I became a Mother, I used to say that I would never do a lot of things that I currently do. Because back then I didn't know what it felt like to be a Mother. I didn't know what it felt like to love someone like that. To hurt for someone else like that. And now I do. And it changes everything.
I still wake up every day with the best of intentions, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am breaking all the rules. Because I love her more than I can describe. Because it is so much harder to listen to her cry than I ever could have imagined. Because I just want to chill out on the couch for a minute sometimes and "hey, you'd rather lie with me right now than eat your dinner?"
"Sure, whatever, no problem".
Sometimes I think about these things and wonder if I'm messing up. I want to do just this one thing in my life right. I want her to respect me and obey me, and yet, I want her to think I'm the shiz. I want her to look at me the way I look at my Mother. And I can't help but wonder if she will.
This evening as I sat with my Mom and confessed all of this-confessed to the uncertainly in my decision making, confessed to the accidental nursing to sleep, confessed to the feelings of guilt-She looked at me and said "Jess, the one thing you learn as a Mother is that at some point or another, you eat every word you've ever said".
And she's right, you know. I'm eating my words these days.
They taste like brownies.