Friday, June 10, 2011

we like them warm with caramel sauce on top.

I used to say that I would never nurse my baby to sleep. And most of the time, I don't. I mean, that is never ever my intention. Except on days like today when I am trying to get her to nap somewhere other than her crib and she is crying and crying and crying and nothing is working, so I think to myself "Well, maybe she just didn't eat enough???" so I try to nurse her, just a little and then BAM...She is out cold.

Just nursed my baby to sleep, right? Woops.

I used to say that I wouldn't let my baby's nap schedule rule my life. And it doesn't. Except it does. Because boy do I get stressed out when we aren't home for her to take them. And I try to get her to nap other places, really I do. Except she is acquiring quite the little personality these days and she really doesn't want to. And sometimes it's just easier to let her win.

I used to say that I would never eat more than 2 ghirardelli brownies per day and I would still make time to paint my fingernails. Except I had one earlier, and one just now and a couple more sound good when I finish writing this post, don't you think? And while we're having this discussion, do you know what happens the second you finish painting your nails, friends?! The baby wakes up and they get ruined, so why bother? My nails look awful.

Before I became a Mother, I used to say that I would never do a lot of things that I currently do. Because back then I didn't know what it felt like to be a Mother. I didn't know what it felt like to love someone like that. To hurt for someone else like that. And now I do. And it changes everything.

I still wake up every day with the best of intentions, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am breaking all the rules. Because I love her more than I can describe. Because it is so much harder to listen to her cry than I ever could have imagined. Because I just want to chill out on the couch for a minute sometimes and "hey, you'd rather lie with me right now than eat your dinner?"

"Sure, whatever, no problem".

Sometimes I think about these things and wonder if I'm messing up. I want to do just this one thing in my life right. I want her to respect me and obey me, and yet, I want her to think I'm the shiz. I want her to look at me the way I look at my Mother. And I can't help but wonder if she will.

This evening as I sat with my Mom and confessed all of this-confessed to the uncertainly in my decision making, confessed to the accidental nursing to sleep, confessed to the feelings of guilt-She looked at me and said "Jess, the one thing you learn as a Mother is that at some point or another, you eat every word you've ever said".

And she's right, you know. I'm eating my words these days.


They taste like brownies.

9 comments:

  1. I love this post! It's so true and you are such a great writer Jess! I don't know that a day goes by when I don't think to myself "shoot, I shouldn't have done that".... oh well.

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  2. haha i love this post because I ALWAYS talk to luke about this. I used to criticize other parents about what they were doing wrong (only in my head to myself, of course) and now that I am a mom I am always looking around wondering how many people are thinking the same stuff about me doing it all wrong. haha. it really is so different and harder than a person thinks. you just cant know what its like till you are a mama. you are doing wonderfully!! remember how i text you like every day for advice? :)

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  3. Totally know what you mean. I swear all my sisters raise their kids so PERFECT! They're all in their crib by a certain time consoling themselves to sleep, they're all off bottles by the age of one, they're all potty trained by the age of two! Then, there's me. I told myself I'd be just like that and look at me, they sleep in my bed/room 'til 3 months, on a bottle 'til 18 months, and not potty trained 'til 2 and a half. BUT I must say, so far- they've turned out JUST fine :) So I've just learned to stop stressing as much and just enjoy it more 'cause like everyone says... it goes by way WAY too fast.

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  4. I totally hear ya about the nursing to sleep thing, I said I never would but sometimes I do! And I secretly love it, and he does too. Oh well...
    Also Henry loves Baby Einstein, I mean obsessed! I have Mommy guilt about that too, but I have to shower sometime, right? I think you're doing a fantastic job. And in my opinion, most Moms lie about stuff on fb and blogs. I bet they're nursing their babies to sleep secretly too.

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  5. FYI - undoubtedly every time I blog about something "awesome" I did as a mom, the next day that "awesome" thing falls to pieces and I, also, eat my words. Remember when I raved about the triumph of getting Mya to pee on the potty like 3 months ago? Guess who is just barely able to go out with panties on as of today. And I'm sure I'll be eating those words tomorrow :). Your mom is a very wise woman.

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  6. So, I just wrote a long post full of encouraging words and it didn't post. Basically, you're awesome and shouldn't feel bad about breaking rules. Your gut tells you what she needs & when and I always trust my gut first :) she's happy, healthy, and beautiful and that's what matters most.

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  7. Tasty words. She's right. 100%.

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  8. This post made me cry. ( I swear I'm not pregnant again, haha)

    I totally feel the same way about everything you said here. Love it. Love your moms words.

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thank you for your shout outs!