Friday, August 26, 2011

evie is a fool for fall, too.

evie fall wardrobe

evie fall wardrobe by bozybon on Polyvore.com

there are few things in life i look forward to more than fall shopping. sad, but true.  since evie is our first baby and we didn't get very much clothing at the showers we were able to have, i have had the lucky job of buying most of her clothes since she was born. now that fall/winter/our trip to london is approaching, and she is getting bigger, some shopping was in order. i've had so much fun putting together a little fall wardrobe for my baby girl. here are a few of my picks for fall!

and yes, evie is a girl, but i really don't love pink. i know you think i'm nuts. i'll live. ;)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

a letter to friday (that's right!).


well hello there, friday. i thought you'd never come. while i have your attention, i have a few things i need to get off my chest.

first of all, i would just like to inform you that life has made very little sense to me this week. seriously, friday, i'm baffled.

first, my husband came home. which was wonderful and made me feel giddy and nervous and in love. except, he's not really home. you know? he's here, but holy hell is that man busy. works likes a slave, studies like a grad student, sleeps like a baby, has no time for us anymore. and i'm not complaining, because i signed up for this. i encouraged him and rooted him on and told him he should do it. and i realize this will pay off for us when he is finished, but wow, single parenting is not for wimps! i was seriously not prepared for the exhaustion being a grad-student's wife, and therefore, a widow, entails (and this is only week one!). do you hear me, friday? single parenting! NOT. FOR. WIMPS. don't try it.

and then there's the sleep thing. i can't sleep. which doesn't make any sense because i'm back in my own bed now, sleeping on my deliciously cold silky white sheets. and that husband of mine is next to me, once again, shoving his ice-cold toes all up in my bed-space (as per usual) and all should be right with the world, except it's not, because i'm exhausted and yet, i'm awake. you know?!

also, there's the blog. holy mother effer, friday, THE BLOG. i realize it is no big deal to you. i realize you think i am dramatic (we've discussed this-i am), but this whole blog-losing-all-it's-pictures crap has stressed me out to no end. it's like someone came and ripped all the photos out of the photo album that i've spent the last 4 years compiling and i really want my photo album back in order! can't you just make that happen for me?!

having the blog so broken feels like i'm living in a house that's a mess all the time. it's like i have a huge class project or test looming in the future and absolutely no time to study for it. it's like KIM KARDASHIAN NEVER EVEN GOT MARRIED (because i haven't even had time to google it!)

so, friday, all the stress has led me here, to the computer, and to you. for now, i have g's super expensive headphones on and the music is turned up real loud and i'm shaking my head to the beat and dancing a little in my chair and feeling very small underneath the twinkle of the night sky in my house made of glass.


be good to me, friday. please be good to me.

yes, technically this is posted on thursday, but's it's 11:34pm, so don't stress yourself out too bad.

*for everyone who is seeing pictures, you have to dive into my archives to see what i am talking about. i've already restored 2011 and 2010. two more YEARS to go.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

pardon me, while i go throw up.

(no, i'm not pregnant. that title might throw a few of you off...sorry)

so, i've just discovered that every picture i have posted on this blog besides ones from the past few MONTHS is now gone and replaced by a black box, instead.

since i have been blogging for (oh, i don't know) the PAST 4 YEARS, this is rad. really rad. i am thrilled to have lost all of that time writing and taking pictures and documenting my life. and i kind of want to go throw up i feel so sick about it.

pardon me while i go cry and swear and cry some more.

Monday, August 22, 2011

month seven.




dear evie,

today, i had one of those moments. you and i were in the kitchen eating sweet potatoes and sucking on measuring spoons and singing songs. the sun was shining on the hardwood floor as we listened to adele and slurped veggies from the spoon and smiled at one another. nothing unusual, really, just an afternoon wasting time together, but all of the sudden i found myself so completely filled with happiness it made my eyes well up with tears.

once upon a time, i only dreamed of having you in my life. once upon a time, i took pregnancy test after pregnancy test and continued seeing negatives. once upon a time, i was in the hospital rubbing my basketball of a belly and feeling so unsure about our future together. once upon a time, happiness seemed a bit harder to come by.

but, these days, i am bursting with it. these days it is oozing from my chest and running, sticky and warm, down my arms. these days, i am smacking my lips to make you laugh and picking you up when you reach for me and wondering how i could ever love anything else in the world the way that i love you.

i want so many things for you, evie. i could spend days writing down all my wishes for you and sending them, sealed with a kiss, to the heavens. i don't know what your future will hold. i don't know if your wishes will involve a husband or a career or a blond baby of your own, happy and delicious on your hip. i don't know any of these things, but i do know that regardless of what your wishes might be, i will spend my whole life hoping you find that person or that thing or that moment that fills you with happiness from head to toe, the way that you've filled me.
love,
mama

Monday, August 15, 2011

about a bird.



today, i spent a lot of time watching the birds.

i wasn't bird watching. there were no binoculars or vests involved, but it was watching, none the less. it happened early this morning-the house quiet, the baby napping. i was sitting on the couch waiting for my husband to call when i heard a flutter from outside the window that vibrated the walls and sent the pups into a fury.

when i ventured outside to see what the buzz was about i saw it. the nest that previously housed one mama dove and two baby doves was now empty, but for the lone baby left behind. the bigger baby bird had finally done it, after weeks of puffing and fluttering and waiting for dinner it had left the nest and flown to a nearby bench. it sat, motionless, eyes blinking rapidly, until it spotted it's mother. she was up above, high in the trees and she was calling out for him.

it took him a minute or two two muster up all the courage his little heart could muster, but soon he flapped his little wings and flew to the railing-just a bit closer-and then finally to the branch his mother was occupying.

i watched in wonder as moments later the daddy dove (a bird we'd watched for weeks take shifts nest-sitting and worm-catching) flew from a nearby tree and joined them. the whole famdamily, almost complete.
the three of them sat there and watched the lonesome baby bird for what felt like hours. every time i checked, there they were-perched together on that branch-some of them calling, some of them yelling, all of them waiting.

despite the calling and the singing and the lecturing (perhaps) the littlest dove stayed put. i saw him flutter a bit, in the afternoon-he puffed up his chest and filled his lungs with air and courage, but then the moment left him and he fell quiet again.
i checked on him after dinner and found him there, still. the family that waited for him all morning now gone.

as i write this post, it's evening. the crickets are chirping, the stars are emerging and all the sky is the softest shade of blue. my mother sits out on the porch rocking and watching and worrying as she does. "let's feed him something?" she wonders. "who should we call?" she asks. she is an animal-lover through and through and watching this baby dove left behind makes her heart sputter and ache and hurt.

these days, my baby bird and i seem to be attached at the hip. she is in my arms, or at my side or in my lap or on my mind. i left her, the other night, for just an hour or two, and returned to tear-soaked eyes, a quivering lip and arms outstretched anxiously towards me. she does that now, reaches out for me and even though i want her to be content with others, even though i want to get away every now and then, it warms my heart and fills me to the brim to see her twist her body and reach defiantly towards her mama.
i don't know what will happen with that baby bird sitting out there in the darkness. maybe he will find himself starving and finally muster up the courage to leave that nest. maybe we will have to scoop his little body into a box and drive him towards someone who can take care of him now. maybe he will just sit there, quietly, and watch the wind blow for a while.

or maybe, that mama bird will return.
i just can't help but think that she will.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

since you've been gone.

i absolutely cannot resist the allure of using that title for this post. it brings back way too many memories of angsty car rides with my girlfriends (windows down, screaming our guts out) back in the day. and if you don't have a clue what i am talking about then, i apologize.

we've been doing alright without our g man around. really, it's going better than i could have hoped for. mostly due to the fact that i'm keeping myself busy, busy, busy. we've been at the pool, to the park, on walks, to eat out (again and again and again) to the gateway for shopping, to lunch, lost in a book and back again.

it's only when i pause for a moment at a stoplight or while rocking evie before bed that i realize i am missing my other half and the loneliness starts to creep in. but then, i snuggle my smiling baby or open a book or hold an impromptu dance party to the horror of my siblings and i'm alright again. i'll admit, it's a relief to realize that i really can do this separation thing (considering this is the first of many trips similar to this one he will take in the coming year). i miss him. i'm lonely. i'd rather have him here. but, i can do it.

regardless of the relief, we can't wait to get that scruffy boy home. and truth be told, i miss him for a million reasons, but mostly i just want someone around who will help me carry the gosh darn car seat again. (kidding, g. come home soon!)

Friday, August 12, 2011

six month check-up.

we finally made it in to see the doctor for evie's six month check up (3 weeks late. long story). she is six and half months old and the size of 3 month old? (or maybe the size of a teacup poodle? the size of a gallon of milk? she is bite-sized!).

my favorite thing people ask me when they see how little she is is if i feed her. because obviously, i don't. i totally portion her meals (and we are still exclusively breastfeeding so this is difficult) and i make her do weekly weigh-ins.

i mean, seriously people?!

evie passed the six month checkup with flying colors. well, except for the part when the doctor took her out of my hands to check her out and she got major stranger danger and pulled the saddest sad lip in history. rock on, baby girl!

a few facts about my janey girl at almost 7 months:
  • her ability to sleep still blows my mind. she is the best little sleeper. 12 hours is the minimum. i can never pull the whole "i'm a new mom and therefore so tired" because seriously, i'm fine.
  • rice cereal is the bomb!, but anything else sucks. peas? gross. green beans? worse. sweet peas? dry-heave, gag, dry-heave some more.
  • she is a water baby (hooray!). we usually make it to the pool once a week and she loves it. she recently figured out that she could splash and wow, this makes things even better.
  • she is still cuddly as can be. her bedtime routine involves being rocked for a little while, with her head on my chest and her thumb in her mouth. it is the absolute best part of my day, every day.
  • yes, she sucks her thumb like a champ.
  • binkies no longer exist to us. once the thumb became a major player, the binkie was old news and we don't even have one anymore.
  • she is a mover. she rolls and scoots and finds a way to get where she wants to go. we are totally to the point of needing to baby proof, because she loves to roll all the way across the room while i'm not looking and find something fun to touch on the wall.
  • everything goes in her mouth. everything! we are talking complete stranger's fingers in her mouth. i honestly don't even fight it anymore. if you are going to talk to her or love on her she is going to suck on your fingers while you do so, and that is just the way it is.
  • i cannot stop kissing her. you guys, i am dead serious. it's a problem. it's a sickness. i need those kisses like an addict needs crack. in case you don't believe me, might i just tell you that she spit up IN MY MOUTH yesterday, while i was kissing her and i'm pretty sure that doesn't happen unless your baby's lips are on yours at least 90% of the time (because otherwise, what are the odds?!)
  • she can say "mama" but she only says it when she is crying (no fair!). when she is really upset it's "mmmaaammmmaaaa" or "mooommmmmmmm".
  • she has a bit of separation anxiety, but i try really hard to help her work through it. she sometimes pouts and cries a bit if someone else is holding her and she wants me, but if i leave her for a minute or two, she gets over it.
  • she smiles at me alllll dayyyy loooong. it is impossible to be grumpy or upset with her in my life. she is pure sunshine.
  • if you want to make her smile or laugh you should click your tongue, purse your lips, blow raspberries on her tummy, play peek-a-boo, pretend like you are eating her (yes) or say "a-boo!" and she certainly will.
  • she recognizes the camera now and hams it up. it's gotten even worse now that we are skyping with dad and making videos for him often. she loves to see herself and flirts. she is cute and she knows it (my mom often said this same thing about me when i was a baby, so i guess i can't blame her for loving the attention).
  • she loves little kids. especially the ones she sees all the time, like morgan and craig. she knows who they are and loves to watch them and be with them.
  • she is curious. and yes, her eyes are always that open and big and curious (people ask me that all the time).
  • she loves it when we sing "the wheels on the bus" but only the the mommies on the bus say shhhhhh shhhhh shhhhh part and "come little rabbit".
  • baby einstien is aaammmmaaaazzzziiiiinnnnngggg!!
  • she loves her dada and loves to skype with him now that he is away. she can tell that it's him and smiles the whole time. they are so sweet together.
  • she is the best thing in my world. i honestly don't know how to describe how much i love her or how happy she makes me. being her mother has filled my whole world up with joy.
happy six month check-up lovey dove! sorry about those stupid shots. i'm eating extra sugar tonight to make it up to you.

*sorry, lost your comments. i did read them all, though, before they disappeared! 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i am here.


i'm home for a little while.
not my home, not that little home in the city, but home.
home where i came from.

it's so nice to be here.

it's so nice to sit on the deck and rock in the shade of the pine trees while my mom waters her plants. it's nice to hear music streaming from the kitchen all day long. it's nice to sleep under the same arched windows i looked out as a child. they provided the perfect view of santa's sleigh in the sky or a boy waiting for me in the driveway. one of them shined a flashlight in through those windows many years ago and lit up the darkness with a beam that danced and shimmied across my ceiling.

my mom has sanded and painted and stained her heart out all over this place. and that is why i love it. when she painted the living room all those years ago, a dark crimson where white had once been, she first wrote "i love jess" in giant red letters that stretched floor to ceiling. as a child, i giggled and marveled over the rebelliousness of it all. sometimes, if i stand at just the right angle, under just the right lighting, i swear i can still see the words she wrote.

our names are carved in the dining room table. it started out with scribbles; childhood drawings and math problems that etched their way into the soft wood and left marks. eventually, my mother saw the beauty in it and gave us a sharpened pencil and instructions to leave our signature. now, greg's is there too. and someday evie's will be also.

this place shaped me. i was lectured at the kitchen table, pitched to in the backyard and kissed in the basement. the lamps are always turned on, music is always playing and an endless bowl of microwave popcorn always sits on the coffee table. there are a million memories living and breathing and filling up this space.

it is home, and always will be.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

letters to shanghai.



i know i am dramatic (i know this!) but i am going to miss my husband. we've never spent more than a few days apart. he smells nice. he can always make evie laugh (even mid-cry, he can make that baby laugh). he unloads the dishwasher and kisses me goodbye in the morning. his scruff is just the right amount of prickly. i will miss him.

he will be gone for far too long and he has requested we update the blog with all of our adventures while he is away. well g, so far, i've scooped the poop in the backyard, emptied all the trashcans, jammed out to justin bieber while scrubbing the house, read my book while evie napped, written you 3 emails at times when i would have called you instead and listened to the rain poor down on this rooftop.

it's a nice quiet afternoon and i am glad i have someone to miss.

Monday, August 1, 2011

august and everything after.

this morning went a little bit like this: spit-up, dog poop, dingle-berry, dog bath, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, clean the tub, and finally, more spit-up. gosh, this life is glamorous.

now i am showered, the baby is napping, the dogs no longer stink and i'm thinking a bit clearer. our weekend was full of miniature soaps, shampoos and deodorants as well as fresh brownies and a little bit of stress, so i am grateful for the rain this morning, which is soothing my soul as it always does.

the husband is leaving for china in a few days and the end of summer will certainly be lonely without him, but i've got fall (glorious fall!) and a trip to london (together!) around the corner and i'm hopeful that the thought of these things will keep my spirits up even while he is a world away.

with that said, happy august, friends.

even though i'm dreaming of fall, here's to soaking up the last bit of summer. i've still got afternoon thunderstorms, mornings at the pool and creamies on the front lawn to look forward to! hope you are enjoying the rest of yours.