Evie's hair was in a little blonde pony tail (because her hair fits easily in such things now, have I told you!?) and she surprised me by throwing up in the car on the way over. I couldn't help but remember my big 20 week ultrasound with her back in the summer of 2010 and how I threw up in the car on the way there, too (because of nerves, and pregnancy, and a belly that was filled with way too much water).
I was worried as we sat in the waiting room. Ultrasounds make me nervous now. I had few happy ones during my pregnancy with Evie and far too many that left me sick to my stomach and hot with fear. Greg fed Ev animal crackers as she wiggled around in his lap and I filled out the form in my lap and he told me that everything would be just fine.
I don't know quite what I was expecting when the goop was spread onto my belly and the lights were dimmed. Well, yes I do, I was expecting a boy. I was expecting one little squirming lover in my stomach and I was hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy.
Which is why, when the monitor showed two little heads, two little bodies and two tiny footprints, I was completely and totally floored.
Now, it's early morning and I am wide awake, which is unlike me in every way. Greg and I both woke up at 4am thanks to jet-lag and quietly ate yogurt, strawberries and toast together in the kitchen as the sun made its way outside our windows.
We can't help but think of everything we have to worry about now. We have to move. We have to buy twice the new baby supplies we were expecting. We have to put Evie in a big girl room and try to keep her little world happy and secure despite major change coming her way. We need new cribs. We need a new car. I am already half way through my pregnancy and these babies will be here before Christmas, before Thanksgiving...just after the Autumn leaves fall.
I can't help but feel like I can't keep up. This pregnancy came faster than we were expecting and now it is going to rock our world in ways we didn't even imagine. I will have 3 children under the age of 2 (for a few months, at least). I will be driving an SUV and attempting trips to the grocery store that will inevitably end in tears and surviving life with a busy little two year old and two tiny newborns who all want nothing but me.
And then I think about my sweet Evie asleep in the other room. She is my dream come true. She is everything I prayed for and so much more. She was in every thought I had and every word I spoke while we were apart. I love that little person. I love being her mother. Everything with her has been better than I expected. She has filled me up with sunshine and stretched my heart to capacity and really, how can I be anything but elated to feel that way about two more.
This is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel that. But, I have done hard things before. Getting pregnant the first time around was hard, and carrying little Evie to term was hard and being hospitalized and on bed-rest was unbearably hard at times, too. I can do hard things. I have my sweet husband and a wonderful family and I have proved myself wrong before.
I think back to the Jessica of 2009 and how I wish I could whisper all of this in her ear. She spent too much time worrying about babies that never seemed to come. She spent too much time doubting herself and her dreaming up worst-case-scenarios that never came to be. If only she had known. If only she had the perspective that (of course) came with time. "Keep going" I would tell her, "Be happy", is what I would say. That is still what I will tell myself now as I panic and celebrate and brace myself for a new life, all over again.
Keep going. Be happy. Have faith.
The best (and worst!) is yet to come.
two little heads
Baby B - BOY
Baby A - GIRL
Due December 3, 2012!