Thursday, July 12, 2012

more.

Yesterday, after just returning home from our big trip to Russia (more soon!) we made our way to the hospital down the street to check on this baby of ours and find out the gender.

Evie's hair was in a little blonde pony tail (because her hair fits easily in such things now, have I told you!?) and she surprised me by throwing up in the car on the way over. I couldn't help but remember my big 20 week ultrasound with her back in the summer of 2010 and how I threw up in the car on the way there, too (because of nerves, and pregnancy, and a belly that was filled with way too much water).

I was worried as we sat in the waiting room. Ultrasounds make me nervous now. I had few happy ones during my pregnancy with Evie and far too many that left me sick to my stomach and hot with fear. Greg fed Ev animal crackers as she wiggled around in his lap and I filled out the form in my lap and he told me that everything would be just fine.

I don't know quite what I was expecting when the goop was spread onto my belly and the lights were dimmed. Well, yes I do, I was expecting a boy. I was expecting one little squirming lover in my stomach and I was hoping and praying for  a healthy pregnancy.

Which is why, when the monitor showed two little heads, two little bodies and two tiny footprints, I was completely and totally floored.

Now, it's early morning and I am wide awake, which is unlike me in every way. Greg and I both woke up at 4am thanks to jet-lag and quietly ate yogurt, strawberries and toast together in the kitchen as the sun made its way outside our windows.

We can't help but think of everything we have to worry about now. We have to move. We have to buy twice the new baby supplies we were expecting. We have to put Evie in a big girl room and try to keep her little world happy and secure despite major change coming her way. We need new cribs. We need a new car. I am already half way through my pregnancy and these babies will be here before Christmas, before Thanksgiving...just after the Autumn leaves fall.

I can't help but feel like I can't keep up. This pregnancy came faster than we were expecting and now it is going to rock our world in ways we didn't even imagine.  I will have 3 children under the age of 2 (for a few months, at least). I will be driving an SUV and attempting trips to the grocery store that will inevitably end in tears and surviving life with a busy little two year old and two tiny newborns who all want nothing but me.

And then I think about my sweet Evie asleep in the other room. She is my dream come true. She is everything I prayed for and so much more. She was in every thought I had and every word I spoke while we were apart. I love that little person. I love being her mother. Everything with her has been better than I expected. She has filled me up with sunshine and stretched my heart to capacity and really, how can I be anything but elated to feel that way about two more.

This is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel that. But, I have done hard things before. Getting pregnant the first time around was hard, and carrying little Evie to term was hard and being hospitalized and on bed-rest was unbearably hard at times, too. I can do hard things. I have my sweet husband and a wonderful family and I have proved myself wrong before.

I think back to the Jessica of 2009 and how I wish I could whisper all of this in her ear. She spent too much time worrying about babies that never seemed to come. She spent too much time doubting herself and her dreaming up worst-case-scenarios that never came to be. If only she had known. If only she had the perspective that (of course) came with time. "Keep going" I would tell her, "Be happy", is what I would say. That is still what I will tell myself now as I panic and celebrate and brace myself for a new life, all over again.

Keep going. Be happy. Have faith.
The best (and worst!) is yet to come.

 two little heads

 Baby B - BOY

 Baby A - GIRL

Due December 3, 2012!

12 comments:

  1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It's like I'm more excited/shocked for you than I was for my own:))) Wow. I know JUST how you described yourself feeling Jess. All you're feeling is okay, and you're right, you'll be able to do it. Send an email my way girl- better yet, I'm going to email you:) Funny, I was just about to do a post on Life With Twins- what you need, what worked for me, what to buy ect... better get on that.

    Congrats though!!! It's very exciting. Very scary, very tiring, very stressful, BUT also extremely sweet, unique, fun, beautiful, and just miraculous I think!! xoxoxo- so much love!

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  2. OMG!!!! I'm freaking out. You are having twins! That's so exciting. I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy. Miss you.

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  3. Now I know why Evie has always been so fond of baby dolls (and multiple ones at the same time) she was missing her baby brother & sister!!! You can do this, if anyone can, its you!!

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  4. I don't know what it's like to have twins, but I still had a baby when I got pregnant with my 2nd and it was hard, everyone all the time was telling me I was crazy and alway going on about how hard it was and I won't lie, it was hard sometimes - but never as hard as I thought it would be and now my 2 close kiddos are the best of friends (and the worst of enemies but only for a short time and then they're back to the best of friends again!) You're gonna love the way your little family comes together! God has it all planned out and you're the perfect mommy for it, even if you don't know it yet ;) Congrats!

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  5. I have to admit, having twins is one of my worst fears because I'm positive I wouldn't be able to handle it. But, man, if there is anyone in the world who can handle having twins and who deserves all that happiness, it's you. Congrats.

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  6. I'm just in tears over here. I really think you are one of the most special mothers I know. Not many children are as adored as your Evie and these two precious babies (let the name game begin!!!! I have total faith in your naming abilities) are so beyond blessed to have you. And you can do this. Don't take three babies to the grocery store. Drop three of them off here and go by yourself. Brynnie and I chatted about this already today and I told her what I am telling you: Jess will be an amazon mother of twins. I have. I doubt about it. I am so beyond happy for you. Please let me know how i can help. I am so excited for you to be back. August 1st for sure? I have ins with the bishop so I can make sure you have an unloading crew there to help. Lots of love to you and yours. Xoxo

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  7. I told you when I ran into you at Chick Fil A that I check your darling blog occasionally (I kind of feel like a stalker). This made me cry - you describe your shock and elation and fears and joy so well. I am so happy for you! I too have struggled to get pregnant in the past and I know how hard it is, and wow! How joyous that you will soon be swarmed by beautiful babies! Good luck in the coming months!
    Liz Jaggi

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  8. congrats jess!! how exciting!! :)

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  9. Ahhh...this was my sister Jenny's exact scenario. One girl (almost 2), then two twin girls, and that girl popped out another baby (planned, even!) just 2 days ago. Her twins are now two. IT CAN BE DONE!! And I have no doubt in my mind that YOU will find a way and that it will be fantastic. You're such a loving sweet mother Jess. What a lucky little trio you have! :)

    p.s. I can get you my beautiful sister's number even if you'd like to discuss preparations with her.

    p.p.s. Where was my mind today? The pool? I upset myself. greatly. spent the entire day cleaning.

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  10. I don't know you personally, but through your blog. As odd as it sounds, I am so happy for you and see you being an amazing mother to 3 special children of our Heavenly Father. What a compliment that the Lord has such great faith in you. I've really enjoyed following your blog because I could relate to your pregnancy with Evie and its strange how much she reminds me of my little girl. I know you prob won't have to time to blog as much but I look forward to what posts you do write. Congrats mama! What an adventure!

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  11. Oh my heck!! I'm so happy for you guys!! That's great news!! Hope everything is going well.

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thank you for your shout outs!