Wednesday, September 12, 2012
a proper goodbye.
What good little men they were. What sweet little dogs. I get update emails from Aunt Evie in Colorado and I can't help but smile and laugh and cry a little bit, too, when she tells me about their new lives and adventures and experiences out there without us.
It still feels like they belong here with me. It still feels like they are mine. I loved them and cared for them and babied them for almost six years and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't give them what they deserve forever.
I was out of town when it happened. It was for the best that way. Greg called me the night before, SLC to California, and told me he was nervous about handing them off the next day. For weeks and months I had been ignoring the sadness I felt over the situation, pushing down the pain, but when we talked about it that night suddenly every tear and heartache I had inside me came spilling over. I couldn't speak or move or catch my breath, it seemed. I so badly wanted to be there with him to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to breathe in Toby's little frito-lay head and rub J Bubba's fat belly. I wanted to tell them how much they had meant to me, how they had saved me so many times, been exactly what I needed. I hoped that they knew. I hope they still know.
My life is changing so quickly these days, sometimes I hardly recognize myself. For the most part, I try to be positive and excited about the road ahead, but in quiet moments all alone, I also feel a deep sadness over the loss of the life I thought I would have; a life where I could handle my kids and my dogs and everyone fit on the sidewalk together. I thought adding another baby to the family would be a simple transition, a minor change of pace, and then the ultrasound showed two beating heartbeats instead of one and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.
I know that we made the right decision. I know she can care for them in a way I won't be able to anymore. I know that my time and energy and love will be swallowed up whole by my 3 little ones and I know there would have been nothing left for those sweet dogs waiting patiently on their bed in the corner. I know they will be happier in their new life, that our new life won't leave enough space for them in it. My heart tells me all of this, and I know we did what is best.
But that doesn't mean it isn't unbearably sad.