Monday, October 22, 2012
i am for them.
My life has been so weird lately.
There have been days and weeks and moments during the past few months in which I haven't even recognized this life I am leading. There have been moments of trying to wrap my head around all the changes and get used to all of the new while letting go of all the old. Some days nothing felt familiar to me at all. Not the new house filled with unpacked boxes and sandpaper and clutter. Not the huge pregnant belly (39 cm now!) rolling and pulsing and keeping me awake at night. Some days I was certain the heavens had opened up and the sky was falling. (And some days my pregnancy hormones were just RAGING, so there's that.)
I used to live in a little 2 bedroom above the city and now I'm back in the very first house we've ever owned. I used to drink tap water from the faucet and now I have an ice maker and filtered water and there is room in the freezer for frozen food and really, WHO EVER SAW THAT COMING?! I used to be a mother to one. And now, even though I can't hold them yet, I have 3 children. 3 kids in less than 2 years is really never how I saw my life going. I am STILL trying to get used to the idea. I have struggled for a long time to feel excited. This is just me being honest about that.
Since the babes will be here in less than a month, and we are still living in an unfinished house, the husband and I always have a lengthy to-do list, so this weekend we decided to put on our worker pants and get some crap done. There were paint samples at Sherwin Williams and Home Depot runs and a happy little toddler eating popcorn in the shopping cart. I decided to tackle the nursery (aka the one room I have avoided at all cost because STRESS falls from the sky and knocks me dead the moment I open the door) first. Luckily my sweet sister-in-law Meg had helped me get started earlier in the week, and really, bless her, because otherwise it would still just be a room full of burp cloths and unopened packages and bags and bags of anxiety.
First I organized the closet, added an extra rod for the little guy in my life. Next I went through all the clothes I had been storing in plastic bins in the garage, hanging up Ev's old dresses and cardigans and the tiny pair of grey cords with a bow at the waist. One thing lead to another and before I knew it I was washing sheets and vacuuming and finally opening those bumper pads that have been sitting in plastic on the floor for so long.
And I don't know why or how, but as I worked on all of it something inside of me changed for the better. Suddenly I was having BABIES. And I don't mean to suggest that I didn't know that already (duh), but suddenly the onesies and the burp cloths and the two little cribs with the marshmallowy soft bumpers were meant for babies. My babies. For the first time since I found out I was having twins I could see their little faces. For the first time I could imagine holding them and nursing them and falling in love, all over again. Finally it wasn't just stress and anxiety and oh-my-gosh-i-will-never-sleep-again, but actual anticipation and excitement and joy and love.
I haven't had any problem admitting to others that I am scared. 3 kids in less than 2 years will not be easy (people like to tell me this as if I don't already realize it). 3 kids in less than 2 years is not what I ever expected. 3 kids in less than 2 years just might kill me dead. Since the moment I found out I have been unsure about whether or not I am the right girl for the job.
Which is why I am so grateful for this weekend. For the fact that somewhere in all the folding and washing and preparing I found myself again. I smoothed the sheets and packed away the diapers and turned on the little striped lamp that sits on their dresser and I finally felt it...These babies were meant for ME. They were meant to be mine. I am the one given the task of loving them and raising them and yes, probably losing my mind with stress because of them. But, it is mine and mine alone.
They are for me and I am for them. And I can finally say it and mean it all the way down to my toes...
I am EXCITED.
Thanks for your email addresses, I've been getting them and am planning to make the change soon.