Thursday, December 6, 2012

nora hattie.


This post should come AFTER one announcing the birth of my sweet twins. There is a timeline defining the month of November and many posts I should have written, but was too tired to write. That timeline would look something like this: Birth (joy), NICU (sadness), Nora comes home (elation), William does not (pain, guilt, exhaustion), Will comes home (ELATION!), Jess becomes an official full time mama to 3 little ones at home (joy, exhaustion and relief).

That is where the roller coaster should have ended. That is where I wanted to get off. I could have never anticipated another rise and fall like I have experienced since bringing my two babies home. Since that time we have fallen--and we have fallen hard and deep.

There is a song I love to listen to at Christmastime. It is beautiful and soothing and therapeutic. Today as I drove up to Primary Children's Medical Center to visit Nora I listened to it on repeat, held my husband's hand, and cried into the ice cold car window. Car rides are reserved for crying and home is reserved for Evie and Will and trying to be a good mother.

As I listened to the familiar lyrics I realized, perhaps for the first time, that the song I love so much is actually quite sad. Like so many of the trials I have faced in my life--it is beautiful and it is tragic. And it describes how I feel right now exactly.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

That is my prayer and my hope for my sweet baby Nora. I hope my faith will be a beacon in the night, I hope it will reach her and surround her and comfort her when she is in pain. I hope it will carry her back to me and back into my arms, where she belongs. I have had her home with me already, I know what it is to love her and care for her and wake up at 3am to the sound of her perfect cries. As her Mama, that is all I want to do. I have so so much, I am so blessed, and yet, I am empty without her.

This post should have come after one announcing her birth, and Will's birth, and really this post just shouldn't have ever come at all.

I am learning that it is a hard thing to be a Mother and to love someone so much. At times it feels like my heart is not inside my body. Certainly right now, it is not. Tonight my heart resides up at Primary Children's Nicu with a sick and sweet and perfect little girl named Nora.


**I know this post is vague and doesn't explain exactly what we are facing right now (Nora's diagnosis is NEC), but since this is my blog and my outlet, I decided to write what I want to write instead of what I feel obligated to write and tonight I just wanted to write about what I am going through. It is tiring to talk about Nora's condition and to explain her treatment and her suffering. Talking about it is difficult for me and it makes me incredibly sad. I know that most of you who read my blog already know what is going on with her and are praying for her. If you don't, feel free to email or call me or get in touch with someone in my family. Thank you for your prayers, from the bottom of my heart.


PS. Wintersong here.

8 comments:

  1. Sweet Nora,
    It is so nice to see your beautiful face! You are absolutely perfect and I know you are working hard to get better. GThere are so many people who are praying for you right now and who love you very much. But no one loves you as much as your mom and dad. Be good to them and go home soon.

    xo,
    Erin

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  2. I am so sorry, Jess. That would be soo hard to be home with a babe at the hospital. You're in our prayers. Hope that cute girl can come home soon!

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  3. So sorry to hear about your little Nora not feeling well. I pray she hurries home to sweet Evie and Will very soon all rested and well!

    Best wishes,
    Lauren

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  4. I stumbled across your blog a little while ago and love reading the things you write. You have such a way with words. But I couldn't keep my blog stalking quiet anymore without telling you that you and your cute little family are in my prayers and thoughts, and I wish you all the best!

    Best Wishes,
    Olivia

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  5. Sending prayers your way and especially for your little babe. We don't know each other personally but from one twin mama to another, I can only imagine the amount of stress and heartache you are feeling. I hope that sweet girl gets home soon. Xo, Laura

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  6. Sending my prayers for your little baby girl and your family. She is sure feeling the great love from you, your husband and your family. I hope soon little Nora will join her brother and sister and all your three little babies will be with you at home and will bring you much more joy and happiness.

    Best wishes,
    Marta

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  7. Hi Jess.... I am so sorry about your sweet new baby.I haven't looked at your blog in awhile, and while I am thrilled for your 2 new littles, I am so sorry for what you have to go through now. It has been awhile since you posted, so I am hoping Nora is doing much better, but in the small chance she isn't, I wanted to let you know that my sister-in-law had twins almost 2 years ago and one of her boys had NEC. I know she would be happy to talk to you about it if you need a little extra support. You can email me if you're interested. Good luck with everything. Nora is beautiful.

    xo
    Sarah

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thank you for your shout outs!