Friday, September 21, 2012

hey jess, you're showing.

That's my favorite thing people say these days.  

Wow, you're popping out now! or Jess, you're starting to look pregnant. Of course they are teasing me because I am huuuuuge these days and even bigger than I was when I gave birth to Evie less than 2 years ago. Which is kind of scary considering I still have about 8 weeks to go.

Carrying twins has been an adventure, both good and bad. I am so grateful that they are doing well so far (knock on wood) and I haven't been put on bed-rest or sent to the hospital or been given any reason to worry about them yet. In that aspect, it's been a better pregnancy than my first and I know I am so lucky to experience it, but it is also exhausting.

Carrying around this enormous belly while simultaneously carrying around my not-yet-walking Evie Jane has been brutal at times. I have back pain like I didn't know was possible and by the end of the day my entire body just throbs from the weight of the 3 of them. Thanks to the stresses of remodeling, and the fact that my sweet husband is gone every day, all day, as well, it's also been a much more emotional pregnancy for me. I get scared when I think about adding TWO MORE babies to the mix and I wonder if I can really do it, a thought that has brought me to tears many times. (It should also be noted that the thought of two more sweet blonde babies to love and hold also brings me to tears, so it's not all nervousness).

Luckily, we are almost done with our kitchen remodel and will definitely be settled and moved before the babies come, which is a huge relief. I used to think that having a husband who was a grad student on top of work was difficult, but now I can't wait for the days when school, work and babies is all we have to worry about. Funny how life brings you perspective that way.

More than anything, I am SO grateful for that hard-working husband of mine (and for both of our families who have helped so much and literally saved our lives) because our kitchen is looking amazing and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that it's mine! Can't wait to share the before and after pictures soon.

29 weeks

PS. I asked G to snap a picture of my belly after church last week since I only have a couple of them and he LAUGHED OUT LOUD just as he took it. That's right--the sight of me standing sideways like this with my enormous belly on display made him laugh. LOW POINT.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

a proper goodbye.

Today I am missing Jack and Toby.

What good little men they were. What sweet little dogs. I get update emails from Aunt Evie in Colorado and I can't help but smile and laugh and cry a little bit, too, when she tells me about their new lives and adventures and experiences out there without us.

It still feels like they belong here with me. It still feels like they are mine. I loved them and cared for them and babied them for almost six years and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't give them what they deserve forever.

I was out of town when it happened. It was for the best that way. Greg called me the night before, SLC to California, and told me he was nervous about handing them off the next day. For weeks and months I had been ignoring the sadness I felt over the situation, pushing down the pain, but when we talked about it that night suddenly every tear and heartache I had inside me came spilling over. I couldn't speak or move or catch my breath, it seemed. I so badly wanted to be there with him to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to breathe in Toby's little frito-lay head and rub J Bubba's fat belly. I wanted to tell them how much they had meant to me, how they had saved me so many times, been exactly what I needed. I hoped that they knew. I hope they still know.

My life is changing so quickly these days, sometimes I hardly recognize myself. For the most part, I try to be positive and excited about the road ahead, but in quiet moments all alone, I also feel a deep sadness over the loss of the life I thought I would have; a life where I could handle my kids and my dogs and everyone fit on the sidewalk together. I thought adding another baby to the family would be a simple transition, a minor change of pace, and then the ultrasound showed two beating heartbeats instead of one and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

I know that we made the right decision. I know she can care for them in a way I won't be able to anymore. I know that my time and energy and love will be swallowed up whole by my 3 little ones and I know there would have been nothing left for those sweet dogs waiting patiently on their bed in the corner. I know they will be happier in their new life, that our new life won't leave enough space for them in it. My heart tells me all of this, and I know we did what is best.

But that doesn't mean it isn't unbearably sad.