Monday, November 4, 2013

the year of you.


This afternoon found me sweeping the floor.

Two little babies up in highchairs eating grapes and cheese and leftovers rolls from dinner.

Music playing in the background, we danced a little bit as I swept. I pointed at the piece of cheese Will held up for me to examine, his little round face beaming with pride. I asked Nora for a kiss and then leaned in when she opened her mouth wide as can be for mine.

And then, out of nowhere, I started to cry.

In a few days, these babies of mine turn ONE.

It's not such a big deal. It shouldn't be as dramatic and final as all of us Mothers make it out to be. It's just a day, just the passing of time, just going to sleep one night and waking up the next morning.

But, oh my heart. 
It hurts.


I've tried to explain it so many times this past year; here, on this blog, and during late night conversations with my husband, while grateful tears rolled down my cheeks. Or in my prayers to God as I fall asleep at night. I will never be able to explain it, but these babies, these curious, sticky, smiling babies.

These babies have saved me. 

I look at their sweet little faces 100 times each day, and each time I look at them, I am reminded of how deeply God loves me. How well He knows me. How mercifully and perfectly He has cared for me during this hard year, as I cared for these babies.

How wiping their little bums, and filling their little tummies, and rubbing their foreheads softly until their eyes closed has been my therapy in every way. I will be forever grateful that God sent me the two of them, just in the nick of time.

 
 

Sweet Will & Nora, I look at you and I feel all the goodness in the world surrounding me. I feel all the hope of a bright and beautiful future for our family. I feel the promise of eternity; of knowing that I am your Mother, forever. Of knowing that despite Autism, or any of life's many challenges, all of us are going to be just fine.

Thank you for this year; this beautiful and miraculous first year of your lives. Thank you for soothing my soul, melting the worry with your gummy grins, and making me so happy.

*Will & Nora must have assigned seating--I just realized that, in every picture except one, Nora is on the left. 


2 comments:

  1. I love reading your blog. You inspire me sweetheart!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your words are so beautiful! I think I could keep reading all night. I'm so glad I stumbled into your blog! I'm pretty sure I'll be back to read more. And also I can just feel the love you have for your children coming out of these words. Your children are so blessed to have you as their mother!

    ReplyDelete

thank you for your shout outs!