Tuesday, November 12, 2013

dear will | you, at one.


written on 11.12.13
Dear Will,

Will, you wake up every morning with a huge grin on your face. Usually, you wake up before your sisters, stand up strong in your crib and start to talk quietly in the darkness until I hear you. The moment I open the door you fall over with laughter, throwing yourself face first into the blankets to hide from me as you squeal.

You love to play peekaboo behind the bench in the family room. You pull yourself up on your stocky little legs and peek your head over to "boo!" and then squat back down to hide again. At one, you are a lover of toys. You love balls and cars the very most, and spend nearly all of your free time pushing a car back and forth on the hardwood floor and making a little "vrrrrrooooom" sound. You are also an expert ball thrower, and love to play pass with your little soccer ball, or roll it back and forth with a giddy smile on your face.

Will, you are perhaps the drooliest baby that ever lived. You have 6 teeth: two on top and four on bottom, and you are cutting something like 25 more. Your mouth is a leaky faucet that never stops and your kisses are always ice-cold and wet.

You stick your tongue out when you are concentrating and you clap your hands together when you're trying to sign "more". You are an adventurer with an eye for trouble and you love to sneak away, crawl up the stairs, and get lost somewhere doing something naughty. You often go into the kitchen to open the kitchen cabinets and empty out all the Tupperware, and the bowls. If I give you a wooden spoon you love to bang on them enthusiastically, like a little drummer.

You really love to do things all by yourself, and you get so upset if I don't let you. Like at breakfast, when you're feeding yourself your yogurt with a spoon--sometimes the spoon turns upside down and you lose your rhythm and I take it away from you to try to reposition it in your hands, the second it leaves your grip you are devastated. You also love to try to push the baby stroller around the house and laugh uncontrollably until it tips over and you fall, your little body folding in half and your bum up in the air. You are honestly the cutest little boy in the world.

You might not always be, but for now, you are sensitive. You have a tender heart that breaks easily and often. You don't like to be set down, especially not in the morning, and you will cry your eyes out the moment your bum hits the ground with your arms reached up towards me. You love to get your way and you smile proudly to yourself every time I walk toward you with my arms outstretched to scoop you back up. You give me the sweetest little grin through your tears.

At one, you have the tiniest little body, with short, sturdy little legs, a big round belly, and cherry-red lips. Your pouty lips are one of my favorite things about you, second to your amazing head of hair and the way you bury your head in my shoulder when you're feeling shy. 

William, you are Evie's favorite person in the entire world. You make her smile from ear to ear and have helped her to understand and feel the love of a sibling. She kisses you no less than 100 times per day and sort of chokes you as she tries to give you a hug, a little bit frightening, but sweet. I don't know how your relationship will change and evolve as you grow, I'm sure that it will, but you have blessed her life immeasurably just by being in it.

Sweet Will, I love so many things about you. I love to watch you try to put the legos together and bang the drum with the sticks. I love your tiny, soft, voice and your quiet temperament. I adore the way you reach out so enthusiastically when you want something and I love hearing you say "ball" 62 times per day, and your other little words: mama, dada, and of course, uh-oh! You are our sweet baby boy, our little man, the absolute joy of our lives. We cannot imagine our lives without you!

Happy Birthday, William Mats. I love you too much, my handsome baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, November 4, 2013

the year of you.


This afternoon found me sweeping the floor.

Two little babies up in highchairs eating grapes and cheese and leftovers rolls from dinner.

Music playing in the background, we danced a little bit as I swept. I pointed at the piece of cheese Will held up for me to examine, his little round face beaming with pride. I asked Nora for a kiss and then leaned in when she opened her mouth wide as can be for mine.

And then, out of nowhere, I started to cry.

In a few days, these babies of mine turn ONE.

It's not such a big deal. It shouldn't be as dramatic and final as all of us Mothers make it out to be. It's just a day, just the passing of time, just going to sleep one night and waking up the next morning.

But, oh my heart. 
It hurts.


I've tried to explain it so many times this past year; here, on this blog, and during late night conversations with my husband, while grateful tears rolled down my cheeks. Or in my prayers to God as I fall asleep at night. I will never be able to explain it, but these babies, these curious, sticky, smiling babies.

These babies have saved me. 

I look at their sweet little faces 100 times each day, and each time I look at them, I am reminded of how deeply God loves me. How well He knows me. How mercifully and perfectly He has cared for me during this hard year, as I cared for these babies.

How wiping their little bums, and filling their little tummies, and rubbing their foreheads softly until their eyes closed has been my therapy in every way. I will be forever grateful that God sent me the two of them, just in the nick of time.

 
 

Sweet Will & Nora, I look at you and I feel all the goodness in the world surrounding me. I feel all the hope of a bright and beautiful future for our family. I feel the promise of eternity; of knowing that I am your Mother, forever. Of knowing that despite Autism, or any of life's many challenges, all of us are going to be just fine.

Thank you for this year; this beautiful and miraculous first year of your lives. Thank you for soothing my soul, melting the worry with your gummy grins, and making me so happy.

*Will & Nora must have assigned seating--I just realized that, in every picture except one, Nora is on the left.