written on 12.2.13
We have our days.
Days when everything feels heavy and suffocating and you can't quite find your balance, and I can't quite find mine.
We have our moments.
At times, I want to erase this. Start over, start fresh. Flip the timer over and watch the sand pour itself from one end to the other, slowly, silently, until we've built ourselves back up again. Until everything is how I thought it would be.
I feel like that.
we have our days.
Days like today; when I put you to sleep, close the door, and find myself standing there, smiling, because that gap in between your two front teeth is just so. Tears fall because of that moment, in the kitchen, when you smiled at me while concentrating and then, so carefully, so deliberately, put two words together.
I screamed when you said it. And you smiled, that enormous, beaming, Evie Jane smile. Because you knew. Because you know. Oh little one, you are special.
Most days, when I put you to sleep, I am utterly exhausted by the thought of you. You; with your energy bounding and pulsing. You; so vibrant, and particular, and exact. You wear me out, and wear me down, and leave me vulnerable, and open. Raw.
You, who challenge me, and push me, and mold this life into something I never saw coming. You turn it all upside down, and flip it backwards--push me into the corner and then pull me, forcefully, back out again.
Nothing is how I thought it would be. Nothing is how I imagined. Nothing, that is, except you.
You with the pigtails and the 4 consecutive kisses, and the eyes clenched tightly shut as you send your biggest smile up towards the moon.
Oh, I love you, sweet girl.
For everything you are, every second of the day. There is nothing, in this entire world, that is quite like you.