becoming.

If anyone had told me 8 months ago that I would spend the last month of this pregnancy in the hospital, I would have laughed. This pregnancy was so easy once upon a time. I wasn't sick, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't moody and everything was easy...until it wasn't anymore. Which is, I've learned, the way life typically goes.

The first 2 trimesters were pure bliss; filled with excitement, baby clothes, a list of names on the fridge and watching and documenting my belly growth.

The last trimester has been anything but. I don't want to say it has been hell, it hasn't been, but this certainly isn't where I thought I would be this holiday season. I have a closet full of maternity clothes and dresses I am not wearing and a nursery at home that doesn't contain one piece of furniture and is littered with bags and boxes of unopened, unorganized baby gifts.

Most girls dream of spending the last trimester dressing their big bellies as fashionably as possible, enjoying no more morning sickness and best of all, planning and decorating a nursery. I always dreamed about the nursery.

And yet, I am not home, my nursery is non-existent and I don't think I've taken a belly shot in over a month. I wear sweatpants or leggings every day and I consider it a big deal if I put on mascara. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and bruises from IV's and blood draws that never seem to end and my stomach is red and irritated from the constant gelling and wiping and monitoring we do. I try to be patient with the lazy nurses who don't bother to read my chart before they come into my room and then proceed to make me explain who I am, why I'm here and what they need to do as if I am the expert and not them. I say thank you and give away the treats I get to the good nurses who do bother and I spend a lot of time dreaming about going on a date with my husband again someday.

Despite everything I complain about and hate, the best part about every day is still baby. We know each other so well by now. I know her typical sleep/wake patterns, resting heart rate, and can read her NST's with no problem. In my mind she is very much a little person already, complete with a name and a story. I can't spend this long consumed by someone and not know her name. So I keep it a secret and whisper it to her in the dark after everyone has left and she kicks me in response and I know this will all be worth it.

Someday I'll tell her this story. Someday I'll tell her how much she was loved before she even came to earth. I'll tell her that lying in a hospital bed for weeks and weeks was worth every smile and giggle and snuggle she gives me. I'll tell her that I would have done more, done anything, for her. I'll tell her that she made me into a mother, even before I officially was one. She is teaching me about unconditional love and sacrifice, about caring for those around you, no matter what the cost. About being more Christ-like and selfless. This is her gift to me.

She has made me into a mother. This experience has made me into a mother.

And that makes it worth it.

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to be continued...

I thought some of you might like a little update. Baby girl and I are currently in the hospital where we will stay until she is born in 2 weeks (or sooner if she shows any signs of stress). Unfortunately my low fluid isn't correcting itself and my doctors think we shouldn't keep her in there any longer than 34 weeks.

I never expected to experience anything like this and of course, my heart is broken that I don't get to carry her full term, but I have faith and confidence in my doctors, and more importantly I have faith in my Heavenly Father.

She is going to be teeny tiny when she comes into the world, but we are grateful that all signs indicate that she will be healthy and strong as well.

Your prayers and concern mean so much to me, they bring me to tears every day.Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us and praying for us. I know I will need them as I try to get through this scary time in my life and be happy and positive in this situation.

Amidst all the uncertainty the only thing I know for sure is that I love this baby and am willing to go to the ends of the earth and back to bring her into this world safely. I'm grateful that this year she will be my Christmas present. Until then.

Xoxo

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let it go, let it go, let it go.

yes, you read that correctly.

right now, i'm desperately trying to let. it. go.

that might even become my theme song this month.

there are about a million things i need to do and want to do and can't do, because of this pregnancy. baby is still doing fine, but i have been instructed to lay around for most of the day and allow my body to focus on nothing other than taking care of her. which is fine, really, except it's december and there are presents to buy and wrap, cards to write, neighbor gifts to bake, a house to clean and clean and clean again and not to mention a completely empty nursery looming down the hallway that may very well be greeting a new special visitor in, oh, one month or so.

yesterday my doctor told me that he will likely want to induce me around 36 weeks (and let's all hope not a day sooner than that). when he first said it i was so excited until i really started to wrap my brain around what that meant. 36 weeks as in 5 weeks from now? as in just a few weeks after christmas? as in right when most of my baby showers are scheduled?

i came home from the appointment and tried to put on a brave face for g and then walked into her nursery and burst into tears. i don't know how to explain the meltdown i had except to say that i'd had 3 doctors appointments that day and my house wasn't/isn't clean and i am officially pregnant. (is that a good enough exuse?)

there is nothing i would like more right now than to deep-clean every inch of this place and organize my linen closet and then go out and buy her crib and curtains and start decorating, but i can't. so her room will most likely be a bit plain, and even though it is going to kill me, she might come home to a less-than-sterile home and i am going to have to let g do the christmas shopping this year (i apologize in advance to all family members), because i simply have to let it all go.

perhaps this is my first lesson in motherhood??

decked.

 we had a fun time decking our halls this year. by the time thanksgiving rolled around i was ready to go all out...i even put up christmas lights outside for the very first time! i still have a few more things i want to do, but for the most part it's cheerful and bright and i'm satisfied. merry december!

our little love.

unfortunately, in the past few weeks we've had a little complication arise in my pregnancy. it isn't anything too alarming as of now, but it needs to be monitored closely until our baby girl arrives. it has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me over the past few weeks as i've been trying to deal with this new aspect of my pregnancy that i never expected. i obviously wish there was absolutely nothing to worry about, but at the same time i am grateful that our baby is healthy and i know things could be much much worse.

 anyways, now that i am reaching the end of the pregnancy it means that i am being monitored very closely with non-stress tests and ultrasounds twice a week. so far, little lady passes her non-stress tests with flying colors and always makes the nurses smile and laugh when she gets the hiccups while hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and we all get to hear them. it also means i get to see her and check on her all the time. i feel like i already know her so well. i know that her tiny hands will always be covering her face when it comes time for an ultrasound and that she puts on the best show if i sneak a cookie for her right before. it also means that my fridge looks like this:

 and that isn't even all of the pictures we have of her. there are more in our bedroom and even more in our office. she continues to grow and change every week and we continue to look forward to her safe arrival (hopefully not too soon!)

so far, she is doing just fine and my issue (low amniotic fluid) doesn't seem to be bothering her, but if you would like to include her in your prayers, i certainly won't stop you. ;)