christmas at the cabin, 2012.

Every year we go to the Olsen family cabin for a few days after Christmas. This year, with all the craziness that comes with twin newborns, we assumed we shouldn't go and planned to stay home for the weekend instead. However somewhere along the way Greg changed his mind and informed me we'd be going at about 10am on Saturday morning as he scrambled Evie's egg. I responding by texting him the list I keep on my phone of everything that's required to leave the house for more than 3 hours with 3 children under 2 and let him have at it (the list is AT LEAST 20 items long. I figured it would knock some sense into him, but he was feeling ambitious and I was feeling bored). 2.5 hours later we were on our way.

It was so nice to spend some time under a different roof and have help with the babies for a full 24 hours--Jennie and Margaret barely even let me hold them! I can't believe what a difference just one more person makes when it comes to managing my children. Maybe I'm just not good at it yet, but we're talking the difference between life and death. Sanity and suicide. I kid. But, it's huge.
 

It was a freezing, beautiful weekend at the cabin spent chatting by the Christmas tree and bundling up the kids to "play" in the snow (It was Evie's first time. She mostly cried). I'm finding I should never say never when it comes to what I will and won't do with 3 tiny kids in tow. We keep telling our families we won't be coming to this and that and then we get bored, get caffeinated and somehow show up after all. Sometimes I think my life might not actually be over. (wink)

I have taken this exact picture of Ty & Greg at least 10 times. I should compile all of them to prove it. They keep asking me to take it. You guys look SO COOL.

These babies. I am so in love. They are so worth it.

a proper goodbye.

Today I am missing Jack and Toby.

What good little men they were. What sweet little dogs. I get update emails from Aunt Evie in Colorado and I can't help but smile and laugh and cry a little bit, too, when she tells me about their new lives and adventures and experiences out there without us.

It still feels like they belong here with me. It still feels like they are mine. I loved them and cared for them and babied them for almost six years and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't give them what they deserve forever.

I was out of town when it happened. It was for the best that way. Greg called me the night before, SLC to California, and told me he was nervous about handing them off the next day. For weeks and months I had been ignoring the sadness I felt over the situation, pushing down the pain, but when we talked about it that night suddenly every tear and heartache I had inside me came spilling over. I couldn't speak or move or catch my breath, it seemed. I so badly wanted to be there with him to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to breathe in Toby's little frito-lay head and rub J Bubba's fat belly. I wanted to tell them how much they had meant to me, how they had saved me so many times, been exactly what I needed. I hoped that they knew. I hope they still know.

My life is changing so quickly these days, sometimes I hardly recognize myself. For the most part, I try to be positive and excited about the road ahead, but in quiet moments all alone, I also feel a deep sadness over the loss of the life I thought I would have; a life where I could handle my kids and my dogs and everyone fit on the sidewalk together. I thought adding another baby to the family would be a simple transition, a minor change of pace, and then the ultrasound showed two beating heartbeats instead of one and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

I know that we made the right decision. I know she can care for them in a way I won't be able to anymore. I know that my time and energy and love will be swallowed up whole by my 3 little ones and I know there would have been nothing left for those sweet dogs waiting patiently on their bed in the corner. I know they will be happier in their new life, that our new life won't leave enough space for them in it. My heart tells me all of this, and I know we did what is best.

But that doesn't mean it isn't unbearably sad.

pool day.

we celebrated the beginning of summer this weekend with dinner at red rock brewery (their horseradish mashed potatoes make me salivate), car-washing in the driveway, pasta primavera at home, berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream and an afternoon at the pool.

just as she was last year, this little lady is in love with the pool. now, if i could only figure out how to keep her warm enough in the water, i'd be a happy mama (she still seems happy as can be, but she is so skinny and tiny, she turns purple after 10 minutes or so. ideas, mamas?)

between our new pool pass here downtown and my grandma's friday swim days we are looking forward to spending most of the summer just like this. now, who wants to join us?!

change.

i spent the majority of tonight straightening and fluffing and photographing my nest so my in-laws (who own this home) can get it listed in the next few days.

our downstairs neighbors, and dear friends, are busy packing and getting ready for their big move across the country early next week. i remember the day they brought their baby girl home from the hospital and ryan banged on the ceiling to tell me i should come down and see her. now, she is 3.

tonight, i laid on my bed and watched the setting sun through my windows and felt so sad about all of it. normally, i love change. i get bored easily and a new place or a new job or a new view is welcomed and refreshing. this time, i only feel sad.

i love this home more than any place greg & i have shared together. we brought our first baby home through these doors and we grew the most as a family and as individuals inside this space. we have dear friends and great memories. the house is full of twinkling lights and sunshine and everything i love.

i will miss it so, so much.

wheeler farm in the sunshine.

 

 horses

goats

sheep

babies

ducks

geese

cows

cousins

sunshine

what's not to love?