hey jess, you're showing.

That's my favorite thing people say these days.  

Wow, you're popping out now! or Jess, you're starting to look pregnant. Of course they are teasing me because I am huuuuuge these days and even bigger than I was when I gave birth to Evie less than 2 years ago. Which is kind of scary considering I still have about 8 weeks to go.

Carrying twins has been an adventure, both good and bad. I am so grateful that they are doing well so far (knock on wood) and I haven't been put on bed-rest or sent to the hospital or been given any reason to worry about them yet. In that aspect, it's been a better pregnancy than my first and I know I am so lucky to experience it, but it is also exhausting.

Carrying around this enormous belly while simultaneously carrying around my not-yet-walking Evie Jane has been brutal at times. I have back pain like I didn't know was possible and by the end of the day my entire body just throbs from the weight of the 3 of them. Thanks to the stresses of remodeling, and the fact that my sweet husband is gone every day, all day, as well, it's also been a much more emotional pregnancy for me. I get scared when I think about adding TWO MORE babies to the mix and I wonder if I can really do it, a thought that has brought me to tears many times. (It should also be noted that the thought of two more sweet blonde babies to love and hold also brings me to tears, so it's not all nervousness).

Luckily, we are almost done with our kitchen remodel and will definitely be settled and moved before the babies come, which is a huge relief. I used to think that having a husband who was a grad student on top of work was difficult, but now I can't wait for the days when school, work and babies is all we have to worry about. Funny how life brings you perspective that way.

More than anything, I am SO grateful for that hard-working husband of mine (and for both of our families who have helped so much and literally saved our lives) because our kitchen is looking amazing and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that it's mine! Can't wait to share the before and after pictures soon.

29 weeks

PS. I asked G to snap a picture of my belly after church last week since I only have a couple of them and he LAUGHED OUT LOUD just as he took it. That's right--the sight of me standing sideways like this with my enormous belly on display made him laugh. LOW POINT.

twenty weeks.

I will admit, the shock of finding out I am carrying twins has yet to lift. Throughout the day my thoughts range anywhere from excited to terrified to overjoyed and back to terrified again. I think I am most worried about the logistics of it all. I can't wrap my head around actually caring for THREE BABIES at the same time (Yes, Evie will almost be two when they come, but let's get real, almost two is pretty much still a baby).

Every time I do anything with Evie I wonder if we will ever do it again after the twins arrive. We go to lunch and I think "never again". We wander through Target and I imagine how I could fit 2 car seats in the shopping cart plus wrangle a 1 year old? Even walks through the neighborhood seem pretty unlikely unless Evie is up for walking next to my double stroller the entire time (and Evie isn't even walking yet. Like, at all.)

Ev comes to me during the day and clutches my leg, reaching up for me to hold her and I think "What will I do when I have 3 little people reaching up for me? Who will I pick up first? Who will I hold and kiss and calm as the other two cry? And how will I ever decide?"

As with most things in life, I know it does me no good to wonder about any of this. It is impossible for me to imagine how I will navigate my new life when I haven't even caught a glimpse of it yet. I have to keep reminding myself that I will figure it out when I get there. By the time I have 3 little people all reaching up to be held I will be a completely different person with a completely different set of  mothering skills and I will have learned how to love them all at once.

At least that's what I hope. That's what I'm clinging to. For now.

In other news, want to see something really hilarious??

pregnant with Evie at 20 weeks / pregnant with the twins at 20 weeks

This makes me laugh. 

 

Hahahahahaha ha ha ha. HA.

Also, cry.

more.

Yesterday, after just returning home from our big trip to Russia (more soon!) we made our way to the hospital down the street to check on this baby of ours and find out the gender.

Evie's hair was in a little blonde pony tail (because her hair fits easily in such things now, have I told you!?) and she surprised me by throwing up in the car on the way over. I couldn't help but remember my big 20 week ultrasound with her back in the summer of 2010 and how I threw up in the car on the way there, too (because of nerves, and pregnancy, and a belly that was filled with way too much water).

I was worried as we sat in the waiting room. Ultrasounds make me nervous now. I had few happy ones during my pregnancy with Evie and far too many that left me sick to my stomach and hot with fear. Greg fed Ev animal crackers as she wiggled around in his lap and I filled out the form in my lap and he told me that everything would be just fine.

I don't know quite what I was expecting when the goop was spread onto my belly and the lights were dimmed. Well, yes I do, I was expecting a boy. I was expecting one little squirming lover in my stomach and I was hoping and praying for  a healthy pregnancy.

Which is why, when the monitor showed two little heads, two little bodies and two tiny footprints, I was completely and totally floored.

Now, it's early morning and I am wide awake, which is unlike me in every way. Greg and I both woke up at 4am thanks to jet-lag and quietly ate yogurt, strawberries and toast together in the kitchen as the sun made its way outside our windows.

We can't help but think of everything we have to worry about now. We have to move. We have to buy twice the new baby supplies we were expecting. We have to put Evie in a big girl room and try to keep her little world happy and secure despite major change coming her way. We need new cribs. We need a new car. I am already half way through my pregnancy and these babies will be here before Christmas, before Thanksgiving...just after the Autumn leaves fall.

I can't help but feel like I can't keep up. This pregnancy came faster than we were expecting and now it is going to rock our world in ways we didn't even imagine.  I will have 3 children under the age of 2 (for a few months, at least). I will be driving an SUV and attempting trips to the grocery store that will inevitably end in tears and surviving life with a busy little two year old and two tiny newborns who all want nothing but me.

And then I think about my sweet Evie asleep in the other room. She is my dream come true. She is everything I prayed for and so much more. She was in every thought I had and every word I spoke while we were apart. I love that little person. I love being her mother. Everything with her has been better than I expected. She has filled me up with sunshine and stretched my heart to capacity and really, how can I be anything but elated to feel that way about two more.

This is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel that. But, I have done hard things before. Getting pregnant the first time around was hard, and carrying little Evie to term was hard and being hospitalized and on bed-rest was unbearably hard at times, too. I can do hard things. I have my sweet husband and a wonderful family and I have proved myself wrong before.

I think back to the Jessica of 2009 and how I wish I could whisper all of this in her ear. She spent too much time worrying about babies that never seemed to come. She spent too much time doubting herself and her dreaming up worst-case-scenarios that never came to be. If only she had known. If only she had the perspective that (of course) came with time. "Keep going" I would tell her, "Be happy", is what I would say. That is still what I will tell myself now as I panic and celebrate and brace myself for a new life, all over again.

Keep going. Be happy. Have faith.
The best (and worst!) is yet to come.

 two little heads

 Baby B - BOY

 Baby A - GIRL

Due December 3, 2012!

bump watch.

here i am at almost 36 weeks posing for posterity in my lovely hospital bathroom! i haven't taken a picture of my belly since this whole debacle began, so today i decided i would find the time in my busy busy schedule to get it done. despite the hardships of my current situation, i still love being pregnant and i need to be better about documenting the good things, like no sickness, very few aches, and a ginormous belly that gets in my way and reminds me that i really am bringing a person into this world. i feel huge, but i really can't complain-i want this baby to get as big as possible considering the fact that she is coming out oh so very very soon. plus, i bet you didn't think it was possible to carry a baby that high. well, now you know!

still cooking.

i know i should be happy about that & i am, but i'm also losing it. for the first 3 weeks all of the nurses told me every day that i was the favorite patient- the one with the best attitude, who was handling things and keeping my cool and still cracking jokes and not crying hysterically every day.

well that lasted 20+ days and now i am officially no longer that person. the crying and freaking out has begun & i don't know how much more i can take. baby is scheduled to be delivered a few days short of 37 weeks & i swear if they try to push it back (again) i might hurt someone. i can take another week or so of this & i can take no more.

i'm happy for baby girl that she is doing so well, but she better ready herself for the big bad world, because there is no way in hell i can do this for much longer. sorry for the bummer post, friends, but everyone has their breaking point & i've officially reached mine. as always, thank you for your thoughts & prayers and i apologize for the poor mood. the good news is today is friday, which means my little family (g+pups) will spend the weekend here with me and i won't have to eat hospital food for a few days and that makes everything more bearable.

ps. baby weighs over 5 pounds this week-she has put on a half a pound each week i've been here! in other news, she is now sucking her entire hand rather than just her thumb. go right ahead, little one, if you can get all 5 fingers in there then why the hell not?

pps. sorry for the usage of two semi-swear words in this post. just keeping it real, folks.

becoming.

If anyone had told me 8 months ago that I would spend the last month of this pregnancy in the hospital, I would have laughed. This pregnancy was so easy once upon a time. I wasn't sick, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't moody and everything was easy...until it wasn't anymore. Which is, I've learned, the way life typically goes.

The first 2 trimesters were pure bliss; filled with excitement, baby clothes, a list of names on the fridge and watching and documenting my belly growth.

The last trimester has been anything but. I don't want to say it has been hell, it hasn't been, but this certainly isn't where I thought I would be this holiday season. I have a closet full of maternity clothes and dresses I am not wearing and a nursery at home that doesn't contain one piece of furniture and is littered with bags and boxes of unopened, unorganized baby gifts.

Most girls dream of spending the last trimester dressing their big bellies as fashionably as possible, enjoying no more morning sickness and best of all, planning and decorating a nursery. I always dreamed about the nursery.

And yet, I am not home, my nursery is non-existent and I don't think I've taken a belly shot in over a month. I wear sweatpants or leggings every day and I consider it a big deal if I put on mascara. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and bruises from IV's and blood draws that never seem to end and my stomach is red and irritated from the constant gelling and wiping and monitoring we do. I try to be patient with the lazy nurses who don't bother to read my chart before they come into my room and then proceed to make me explain who I am, why I'm here and what they need to do as if I am the expert and not them. I say thank you and give away the treats I get to the good nurses who do bother and I spend a lot of time dreaming about going on a date with my husband again someday.

Despite everything I complain about and hate, the best part about every day is still baby. We know each other so well by now. I know her typical sleep/wake patterns, resting heart rate, and can read her NST's with no problem. In my mind she is very much a little person already, complete with a name and a story. I can't spend this long consumed by someone and not know her name. So I keep it a secret and whisper it to her in the dark after everyone has left and she kicks me in response and I know this will all be worth it.

Someday I'll tell her this story. Someday I'll tell her how much she was loved before she even came to earth. I'll tell her that lying in a hospital bed for weeks and weeks was worth every smile and giggle and snuggle she gives me. I'll tell her that I would have done more, done anything, for her. I'll tell her that she made me into a mother, even before I officially was one. She is teaching me about unconditional love and sacrifice, about caring for those around you, no matter what the cost. About being more Christ-like and selfless. This is her gift to me.

She has made me into a mother. This experience has made me into a mother.

And that makes it worth it.

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let it go, let it go, let it go.

yes, you read that correctly.

right now, i'm desperately trying to let. it. go.

that might even become my theme song this month.

there are about a million things i need to do and want to do and can't do, because of this pregnancy. baby is still doing fine, but i have been instructed to lay around for most of the day and allow my body to focus on nothing other than taking care of her. which is fine, really, except it's december and there are presents to buy and wrap, cards to write, neighbor gifts to bake, a house to clean and clean and clean again and not to mention a completely empty nursery looming down the hallway that may very well be greeting a new special visitor in, oh, one month or so.

yesterday my doctor told me that he will likely want to induce me around 36 weeks (and let's all hope not a day sooner than that). when he first said it i was so excited until i really started to wrap my brain around what that meant. 36 weeks as in 5 weeks from now? as in just a few weeks after christmas? as in right when most of my baby showers are scheduled?

i came home from the appointment and tried to put on a brave face for g and then walked into her nursery and burst into tears. i don't know how to explain the meltdown i had except to say that i'd had 3 doctors appointments that day and my house wasn't/isn't clean and i am officially pregnant. (is that a good enough exuse?)

there is nothing i would like more right now than to deep-clean every inch of this place and organize my linen closet and then go out and buy her crib and curtains and start decorating, but i can't. so her room will most likely be a bit plain, and even though it is going to kill me, she might come home to a less-than-sterile home and i am going to have to let g do the christmas shopping this year (i apologize in advance to all family members), because i simply have to let it all go.

perhaps this is my first lesson in motherhood??

our little love.

unfortunately, in the past few weeks we've had a little complication arise in my pregnancy. it isn't anything too alarming as of now, but it needs to be monitored closely until our baby girl arrives. it has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me over the past few weeks as i've been trying to deal with this new aspect of my pregnancy that i never expected. i obviously wish there was absolutely nothing to worry about, but at the same time i am grateful that our baby is healthy and i know things could be much much worse.

 anyways, now that i am reaching the end of the pregnancy it means that i am being monitored very closely with non-stress tests and ultrasounds twice a week. so far, little lady passes her non-stress tests with flying colors and always makes the nurses smile and laugh when she gets the hiccups while hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and we all get to hear them. it also means i get to see her and check on her all the time. i feel like i already know her so well. i know that her tiny hands will always be covering her face when it comes time for an ultrasound and that she puts on the best show if i sneak a cookie for her right before. it also means that my fridge looks like this:

 and that isn't even all of the pictures we have of her. there are more in our bedroom and even more in our office. she continues to grow and change every week and we continue to look forward to her safe arrival (hopefully not too soon!)

so far, she is doing just fine and my issue (low amniotic fluid) doesn't seem to be bothering her, but if you would like to include her in your prayers, i certainly won't stop you. ;)

thankful for today.

today i am thankful for the blizzard on it's way. i know, people, i am crazy. but i like snow and i like severe weather warnings and i really like being snowed in.

today i am thankful for a warm home full of good food, happy pups, plenty of movies and a pile of soft blankets.

today i am thankful for thoughtful friends who make us laugh, entertain us, support us, love us and even feed us on occasion.

today i am thankful for family and for time to spend with both of ours this week. i am thankful for the people who really know us and love us just the same.

today i am so thankful there is a baby in my tummy.

today i am thankful she woke me up at 4:30am last night with her crazy hiccups that were literally shaking my tummy and her never-ending kicks that almost made me nauseous.

but more than anything, today i am thankful for the guy who was sleeping soundly next to me while all of this went down. i am thankful that when i woke him up after almost 30 minutes of a non-stop party in my stomach that was blowing my mind, he simply rolled over and put his hand on my tummy and then laughed and marveled with me at the mini-earthquake of movement i was feeling. i am thankful he wasn't annoyed that i woke him up and that he was just as entertained by the insane amount of movement as i was.

today i am thankful that he enjoyed it with me while it lasted and then simply said thank you and fell right back asleep, leaving me with another memory that means so much to me.

today i am so thankful for that.

popped.

i remember when i was newly pregnant and not showing, everyone always told me that there would come a time when i would just "pop". this past month, i found out what they were talking about, as evidenced by my belly growth in just a few weeks. it's nice to finally look obviously pregnant instead of just overly full.

these last few weeks of pregnancy have been more stressful than the first 6 months, but i'm still feeling really good overall. i feel lucky that i'm not dealing with any sickness or aches and pains and i'm even sleeping really well again, which is so wonderful.

i'm 28 weeks along as of today and just happy and grateful that our little lady is still cooking, kicking and hiccuping up a storm. we are completely in love with her already. here's to the last trimester of this pregnancy!

bad mom?

lately this little pup is making me worry about what kind of mother i will be.

let me explain.

jack is the most sensitive dog currently living. i don't know how we got so lucky/cursed to find such a tender-hearted little creature, but we did...and he is. i have owned dogs and been around dogs my entire life and i have never come across another who even comes close to him.

when i am home jack isn't secure unless he can see me and really, he prefers to be sitting on me, next to me or very close to me. if i go to the bathroom he goes too. if i'm on the computer he is lying at my feet, if i'm doing dishes he is sitting by the kitchen door watching me do them. there is no where to hide in this little home of ours & wherever i go, he will find me. i could go curl up in a ball in some obscure corner of our house and he would sniff me down within seconds, lay by my side and not move a muscle until i did. this is probably the point where most of you think i am exaggerating, but those of you who know him know that it really is that bad.

what makes things even more complicated is the fact that he can't just be near me, he must be looking at me and he prefers eye contact. he stares at me all day long and he takes each sniff, sneeze and eye-roll of mine as a personal insult to him. if i drop something, jack thinks i threw it at him. if i shift my weight on the couch, he automatically thinks i am going to get up and go somewhere and he must get up too RIGHT NOW because surely we have to go TOGETHER! he is off the couch and on the ground before i can even re-adjust...always anticipating my every move nervously.

now here is the part where i worry, because jack is the sweetest little dog who has ever lived and yet, he drives me insane. he makes me wonder if i will be as loving and kind as i hope i will be when i am a mother because all of this attention from my pup makes me want to die. or kill him. one or the other. 

i can't stand it when i'm in my bedroom getting dressed and he has to follow me from my closet to my dresser and back again. i get so irritated by how many times i trip over him because he insists on synchronizing every step of his with mine. sometimes i freak out and yell at him to leave me alone, which only makes him more concerned about me and his stares just get more intense. sometimes i lock him out of the room just to get dressed in peace, but then i see his tiny paw reaching underneath the door and i feel bad and let him in again.

do i sound crazy yet? i feel crazy. whenever i freak out at him for being so obsessed with me i automatically think of the little lady in my tummy and i wonder if it will be different with her. i hope i want her to follow me everywhere and don't get sick of her, but still, i worry. i don't even know why i am writing about this except for you to reassure me that motherhood isn't like that and i'll wish that my baby wanted to be with more, not less.

and if the truth is that motherhood is a lot like life with jack, then warn me now please, because i obviously have some serious issues i need to deal with asap!

ps. i promise i love jack. i just want him to go away sometimes, too.

the view.

i've noticed that i've taken a lot of these types of pictures over the last few months. it's amusing to watch my belly slowly swallow my feet as this tummy grows. and yes, this angle does make my bump look a lot larger than it is in person, but let it be known-the little lady & i are doing some serious growing over here.

what now?

the time is quickly approaching when i will no longer be able to fit into most of my jeans. even though i can technically still button them up i have a feeling that won't last much longer. and since they are no longer comfortable in any way, shape or form, this week has been spent wearing only leggings and my one pair of bdg legging jeans.

the other day i gave in and ordered a few pairs of maternity leggings from forever21 and my first pair of legit pregnant jeans, but i kind of have no idea what i am doing as far as maternity garb is concerned. if any of you have any suggestions as to where to shop & what to buy, please do share!

guess what!

we decided it's about time we started having some blonde babies of our own...

meet the first 

february 4, 2011