to be your mother.

Dear Evie,

Last year, on Mother's Day, I missed you.

I tried to think about everything I had to be grateful for. I had my own Mother, who acted as best friend, cheerleader and confident. I had my sweet Mother-in-law, who brought such goodness and warmth into my life. I had our families, our siblings, our friends. And, best of all, I had your Dad. I had our funny dogs, our sweet moments, our little life together; the life we'd spent 3 years creating. That life was much different from our lives now. We stayed up late on the weekends watching movies and eating bowls of ice cream. Saturdays were for sleeping in and having adventures. We went on dates. Lots of dates. Anytime we felt like it, really. We cooked together in the kitchen, taking our time and wasting away the evening. We went for walks as the sun was setting. We focused on each other. And it was a good life, a sweet life.

But still, I missed you.

I missed you most in the middle of the night as I tried to fall asleep. Sometimes I would wander into the living room to look out over the city, to watch the quiet dance of traffic lights pulsing in the distance. I watched life continuing, even in the darkness. It was in those silent moments spent all alone, that I felt your absence the most. Despite everything, despite all we had created together, I felt a dull ache inside, because we hadn't yet created you.

I didn't know who you were yet. I didn't know that you would have blue eyes and long fluffy hair the color of sunshine. I couldn't picture your round tummy, your tiny fingers and nose. I couldn't imagine your lips, the shape of them, or the way they would mirror my own. I couldn't see you yet, couldn't hear the sound of your laughter. I didn't know your name.

But still, I missed you.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and tonight I'm looking out over the city in just the same way. I can see those same lights twinkling vibrantly, I feel the familiar pulse of another day coming to a close. I still love the quiet, love the time to think and I still come to this place to think of you. But now, everything is different than before.

Now, I know your name. Now, I can hear the sound of your little voice and watch your eyes light up as you laugh. I know the shape of your pudgy little body, I've studied the dimples on your hands and clipped the nails on your tiny toes. Now, I get to rock you to sleep in the darkness and wake up to your sunshine every morning.

Now, the ache is gone.

I am your Mother and you are my Evie.

And we don't have to miss one another anymore.

time.

I'm up late tonight.

I love staying up late. There is something so magical about being awake when every one else is sleeping. You feel like the time you have is completely selfish & private. Completely yours. I just finished watching Bride Wars for the second time and I bawled at the end, just like I did the first time I saw it. I cried the same way I cry when I watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (yes, I just admitted that). I cry because I love my friends. Because I am lucky to have them. Because no matter how much I let them down, or how many times I forget to call back, they still love me when I do. Because I miss them, even though they are near.

It's funny the way time changes things. You swear that you will always be that close, that you will always get together once a week and always make the time. But then life happens and suddenly you're an adult and some days you can barely remember to brush your teeth.

My goal for 2009 is the same one I had in 2008. I just want to

Slow.
Down.

I've always moved too fast. I love to accomplish, to get things done, to make things happen. I am in a hurry 99% of the time and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am always running late. Time slips by quickly and most days, every minute of tomorrow is already packed with plans before today even ends. I can't help but feel like all I really want is more time.

I want more time to catch up with my friends, to call my Grandma and let her talk for an hour, to play fetch with my dogs, to be with my husband. I miss him all day and then, when I'm with him, I always feel like it rushes past me. I talked about all of this with my parents the other day. I sat in their kitchen, with my hands on the cool counter top and cried just like I've done so many times before. The only difference being that now I had a husband standing behind me.

I wish there was more time in life for the ones we love. More time to read and take walks and bake a 5 tiered chocolate cake if you feel like it. Maybe it's just the phase of my life that I'm in, but right now, I dream about afternoon walks and weekends that aren't over in 10 minutes. I dream of slowing down, of freezing everything for a minute. I keep wishing the days, weeks, months & years wouldn't pass me by before I ever really got the chance to enjoy them.

I decided to take the day off tomorrow. I couldn't quite get over the fact that today was Thursday when I was so sure, so POSITIVE my week was nearly over. Call me dramatic, but sometimes one more day of work feels like climbing the tallest mountain. Sometimes it feels impossible. So, when I saw a stack of vacation days at my disposal, I decided to grab one and run with it.

I know that a big part of life is learning how to work. I know that we need to forget about ourselves and be wrapped up in the needs of others. We need to learn to be selfless and self-sacrificing and solid. But, I also believe that everyone deserves their day. Everyone deserves their quiet moment, their private evening spent watching chick flicks and looking at the moon, simply because that's what makes you happy.

I'm starting to believe that if you need more time, you just might have to stop the clock and demand it. There will always be work, there will always be laundry, my house will always be messy because my dogs will always bring treasures in through the dog door while I'm gone. There will always be a to-do list on my fridge the size of Texas and I will probably always crave more time with my husband. None of that is ever going to change.

The only thing I have the power to change is me.
If I want more time, I have to take it.

And I do.

(congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. longest one thus far? i think so.)