a proper goodbye.

Today I am missing Jack and Toby.

What good little men they were. What sweet little dogs. I get update emails from Aunt Evie in Colorado and I can't help but smile and laugh and cry a little bit, too, when she tells me about their new lives and adventures and experiences out there without us.

It still feels like they belong here with me. It still feels like they are mine. I loved them and cared for them and babied them for almost six years and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't give them what they deserve forever.

I was out of town when it happened. It was for the best that way. Greg called me the night before, SLC to California, and told me he was nervous about handing them off the next day. For weeks and months I had been ignoring the sadness I felt over the situation, pushing down the pain, but when we talked about it that night suddenly every tear and heartache I had inside me came spilling over. I couldn't speak or move or catch my breath, it seemed. I so badly wanted to be there with him to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to breathe in Toby's little frito-lay head and rub J Bubba's fat belly. I wanted to tell them how much they had meant to me, how they had saved me so many times, been exactly what I needed. I hoped that they knew. I hope they still know.

My life is changing so quickly these days, sometimes I hardly recognize myself. For the most part, I try to be positive and excited about the road ahead, but in quiet moments all alone, I also feel a deep sadness over the loss of the life I thought I would have; a life where I could handle my kids and my dogs and everyone fit on the sidewalk together. I thought adding another baby to the family would be a simple transition, a minor change of pace, and then the ultrasound showed two beating heartbeats instead of one and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

I know that we made the right decision. I know she can care for them in a way I won't be able to anymore. I know that my time and energy and love will be swallowed up whole by my 3 little ones and I know there would have been nothing left for those sweet dogs waiting patiently on their bed in the corner. I know they will be happier in their new life, that our new life won't leave enough space for them in it. My heart tells me all of this, and I know we did what is best.

But that doesn't mean it isn't unbearably sad.

so, bubba.

Today is your birthday!
I know. What?

The vet just informed me of this, via email. Gosh that Vet is on top of things, isn't she?! I love that Vet. Do you remember that one time you had an ear infection and so I took you to see that Vet and she proceeded to pull black, goopy, bloody infected hairs from your ears in order to save your life? And you winced in pain and I cried out  "No! Not my precious Bubba! Take me, instead!" and then proceeded to faint in her office because of the whole ordeal?

That was pretty heroic of me, no?

And remember that one time you got attacked by an evil dog in my parent's front yard and I almost died of a broken heart? Do you remember how I fell to the ground in a heap of pathetic tears & cried out "don't die, Bubba Boy!!" And then I got home and proceeded to write the cheesiest post in the entire world.

Except you didn't die. You lived. Remember?

Anyways, "Happy Birthday Jack!" the email said. And for a split second I was like, who is Jack?!

I then I remembered, you're Jack. Jack Bauer Olsen, to be exact. Except you're not. You're Bubba. You're my poop-eating machine. You're needy as hell. You're jealous of Evie and yet, you secretly like Evie. You're fat. You're ridiculous. You're sweet. If I died you would guard my smelly body for the rest of your life.You're my gosh darn dog. And apparently you're 4!

Remember when you were my one and only true love? Remember when I rocked you and held you and pretended you were a baby? Remember when I thought I couldn't live without you?

Yah, me neither.
Wait, what??

What I meant to say was Happy Birthday Bubba Boy!
Do you really think you'll live to be 15? I mean, I don't really think that's necessary, do you? 10 sounds like a long and full life to me, but whatever.

We love you!
Sometimes.
When you're clean.

bad mom?

lately this little pup is making me worry about what kind of mother i will be.

let me explain.

jack is the most sensitive dog currently living. i don't know how we got so lucky/cursed to find such a tender-hearted little creature, but we did...and he is. i have owned dogs and been around dogs my entire life and i have never come across another who even comes close to him.

when i am home jack isn't secure unless he can see me and really, he prefers to be sitting on me, next to me or very close to me. if i go to the bathroom he goes too. if i'm on the computer he is lying at my feet, if i'm doing dishes he is sitting by the kitchen door watching me do them. there is no where to hide in this little home of ours & wherever i go, he will find me. i could go curl up in a ball in some obscure corner of our house and he would sniff me down within seconds, lay by my side and not move a muscle until i did. this is probably the point where most of you think i am exaggerating, but those of you who know him know that it really is that bad.

what makes things even more complicated is the fact that he can't just be near me, he must be looking at me and he prefers eye contact. he stares at me all day long and he takes each sniff, sneeze and eye-roll of mine as a personal insult to him. if i drop something, jack thinks i threw it at him. if i shift my weight on the couch, he automatically thinks i am going to get up and go somewhere and he must get up too RIGHT NOW because surely we have to go TOGETHER! he is off the couch and on the ground before i can even re-adjust...always anticipating my every move nervously.

now here is the part where i worry, because jack is the sweetest little dog who has ever lived and yet, he drives me insane. he makes me wonder if i will be as loving and kind as i hope i will be when i am a mother because all of this attention from my pup makes me want to die. or kill him. one or the other. 

i can't stand it when i'm in my bedroom getting dressed and he has to follow me from my closet to my dresser and back again. i get so irritated by how many times i trip over him because he insists on synchronizing every step of his with mine. sometimes i freak out and yell at him to leave me alone, which only makes him more concerned about me and his stares just get more intense. sometimes i lock him out of the room just to get dressed in peace, but then i see his tiny paw reaching underneath the door and i feel bad and let him in again.

do i sound crazy yet? i feel crazy. whenever i freak out at him for being so obsessed with me i automatically think of the little lady in my tummy and i wonder if it will be different with her. i hope i want her to follow me everywhere and don't get sick of her, but still, i worry. i don't even know why i am writing about this except for you to reassure me that motherhood isn't like that and i'll wish that my baby wanted to be with more, not less.

and if the truth is that motherhood is a lot like life with jack, then warn me now please, because i obviously have some serious issues i need to deal with asap!

ps. i promise i love jack. i just want him to go away sometimes, too.

about a pup.

dear dog who attacked my dog,

thank you for making my pup even more attached to me than he already was...i really didn't think that was possible! i am loving the fact that now i literally can't do anything without my nervous little shadow by my side.

love,
j bubba's mother

ps. his neck is almost completely healed & he is still frequenting the dog park like a pro. we aren't going to let you ruin any of our fun, you stupid punk!

get well soon.

Today was one of the scariest and worst days I have had in a long time. This afternoon the pups and I were playing in my parent's front yard with my Mom and her dog when the neighbor's dog was let out and immediately ran straight for my little Jacky. He bit into his neck and lifted him completely off of the ground. It took me, my Mom, the dog's owner and a good 2 minutes to pry the dogs jaws open. All the while I just had to watch my pup hanging helplessly from another dog's mouth, not knowing what kind of damage he was doing.

When we finally freed him we took him straight to the animal hospital where he was sedated and taken care of. We are lucky that he is okay and will try to keep him comfortable as his neck heals.

I am grateful that we were able to keep the dog relatively still (he was a 70 lb. dog & my dog weighs 13 lbs.) while he was biting Jack because I am certain if he had been able to shake him at all he would have broken his neck. I am also certain that if he had gotten a hold of Toby instead of Jack, little 7 lb. Toby wouldn't have survived it.

It's funny how you think you love your pets, but then when something like this happens you realize what they really mean to you. Jack has been my little shadow & sidekick for the past 3 years and I was completely hysterical watching this happen to him. I know he is just a dog to everyone else, but to me he is completely irreplaceable.

Get well soon my little bubba. I love you.

This pic doesn't really show the damage very well, but it hurt him too badly for me to try to touch it at all to get a good angle.

brotherly love.

these two punks melt my heart...especially when they don't smell like poop.

see jack grow.

would you even believe this is the same dog?!
toby looks the same now as he did when he was little, but jack is an entirely different creature altogether.

pups + papers.

3.5 weeks and i'm a college grad!

although i'm still weary of flat out failing a few of my hardest classes (my brain is mush) i am finally starting to realize that this is actually going to happen! currently working on a monster of a research paper & giddy about the fact that this will be the last i ever write in. my. life. (you can quote me on that!)

making me even more giddy is the fact that i get to fly away to my favorite vacation spot the second it's all over. finals & tests on the 6th and then i'm gone on the 7th. i can't think of any better way to end my college career with a bang.

speaking of the trip, anyone want to volunteer to watch the pups? i have a few back-up plans in mind, but thought i'd ask here first. you can email me or comment if you're interested. and just fyi, we broke j bub of the poop-eating habit so double bonus for you!

i'm sure blogging will continue to be sparse as i finish up this degree. can't wait to catch up and get back to chatting about life on a regular basis. so much is going on! xo.

toby, jack & their bff, the bunny 

(who once had an entire outfit on, but has since been stripped -by jack- of everything but his flip flops. poor guy)

fatty.

j bub has to go on a diet.
g says.

i think this is lame.
let the dog enjoy life!

plus, i like his rolls.
they'll be missed.

and two little men.

who happen to be getting much better at the poop eating thing.

who won't leave me alone.
who frequently look homeless.

who get so excited when i walk through the door.

who don't leave their bed until noon.

who are obsessed with each other.

who take out every toy we own and scatter them all over the house.

who are quite spastic & crazy.

who live to chase the birds at the park.

who freak out whenever i say the word "park".
who seem to always need a bath & a haircut.

who can cheer me up faster than almost anything else.

who spend their days sleeping in the sunshine.

puffs.

a few months ago, i bought some slippers on clearance from urban outfitters. like lots of winter slippers do, they had little puff balls attached.

a few weeks after i bought them, one of the puffs fell off, so i snipped off the other and gave both to the pups. toby isn't that into toys (he is more into sleeping) but jack hasn't let his puff out of his sight ever since.

everywhere jack goes, his puff goes and i had to laugh when i found him asleep today like this. in case you can't tell, the puff is nuzzled in between his two little paws, right in front of his face.

i swear this dog isn't really a dog. he kills me with his adorableness.

good morning.

yesterday, these pups were punks and i maybe would have sold jack to the highest bidder after he ruined my life for a solid hour, but somehow, today they are sweet again and when i saw them still in bed at almost 10:00, i couldn't help but photograph their cuteness.

according to toby, waking up is highly overrated & one should stay in bed until at least 6 or 7 pm in order to be fully rested. and jack still wants to be a model. come on kibbles in bits, throw us a bone!

ps. despite the fact that these pups look completely homeless, they just had a bath yesterday. swear.

head shots.

i think j bub should be a full-time pup model. he is the most photogenic dog currently living. every time i whip out my camera he follows me around the house and waits for his turn in the spotlight. i would like nothing more than for him to model for kibbles n' bits full time so i can retire and be his full-time stage mother.

and please don't think i don't love little toby. i promise i do. but, his pictures usually turn out something like this....

these pups are nuts.

toby's tongue is always sticking out one side of his mouth

jack is afraid of any noise & jumps every time we breathe
toby is already shivering and the fleece sweatshirt is back on
jack barks at his reflection & other dogs on tv
toby growls & "runs" in his sleep

jack eats his poop on a daily basis (we've discussed this)

our pups are really weird.

naughty gentlemen.

this is my pup,
mr. j bubba olsen.

he is adorable, as you can see.
he is photogenic and loving and sweet.

his top to favorite past times are:
eating his poop
and kissing you on the mouth.

he is a real gentlemen,
except for the fact that he loves pull roots out of the ground
and in through the dog door in his spare time.

and he eats his poop.

did i mention that?

today, he was in puppy jail.
i can't remember what he did,
but i'm sure it was very naughty.

the end.

pom love & mr. jack bauer.

hooray for monday!

i found out today that i won miss marta's pom giveaway. how wonderful! i never win anything.

a beautiful pom kit is coming to live at my house & you can bet i will be finding random reasons to throw parties all summer just so i can use them!

thanks marta! you made my monday.

on another note: happy happy birthday to mr. j bubba olsen, who turned 2 yesterday! woo hoo for the big 2 year old! thanks, j bub, for being my bff for the past two years. thanks for never ever leaving me alone & following me every where i go, even though sometimes you drive me insane. thanks for being so gosh darn photogenic and posing whenever i want to play with my camera. thanks for loving me even when i push you off the bed at 2 am and you fly into my dresser. i really am sorry about that one. we love you, j bub. now quit eating your poop!!!

i'm supposed to be writing a talk right now.

g is sitting in the chair next to me, working diligently on preparing his talk for sacrament meeting (and if any of my family or friends are reading this, don't ask me when we are speaking...trust me, you won't be missing anything). every now & then he asks me a question about the format and the topics and i nod and agree and say something about "starting with a joke" and "ending with a testimony" and continue typing away. i'm writing my talk, too, you see....i am, i am.

toby magoo & mr. j bubba olsen are wrestling on the floor beside me. in case you are thinking to yourself, "wow! i wasn't even sure if she had dogs anymore, she NEVER mentions them!" i know i don't & i'm sorry...and yes, they are still alive despite several attempts i made to KILL THEM a few days ago when they brought solid poops in through the dog door (again) and scattered them in my living room.

j bubba is currently losing the wrestling match, which i'm sure has something to do with the fact that he can't keep up anymore. lately, g & i have been quite concerned about the weight of a certain mr. j bubba olsen and although we've tried to be positive, the real low point came when he tried to jump on our bed one night & failed after 10 straight attempts. now, j bubba is pretty much a portrait of "the little engine that could" in that he will try again and again and again until he succeeds. he fell flat on his face multiple times when he was a puppy before he ever made it to the bed. and once he finally landed on top, i'm pretty sure he shook his little paw at the sky & said "TAKE THAT!!".

needless to say, we were a proud mother & father.

so it's understandable that watching him finally give up and realize he could no longer catapult his rolly, polly body into the air and onto our bed, was a real rough moment for the whole family. i think g made have shed a tear or two.

i really can't tell you when he went from being slender to being a chub, but suddenly he was breathing heavily and not even attempting to jump on the bed & though i tried not to see it, even i, HIS MOTHER, couldn't ignore the rolls that were accumulating on his sides. we finally took him to the vet and as the scale tipped to a whopping 8 pounds i knew we had a problem. it was then, that the vet firmly sat me down and informed me that 8 pounds for a dog his size, was "moderately overweight and something to be concerned about".

now he weighs 14.

i don't know what to do with my little man. i assure you, i'm not one of those crazies that feeds my dogs hot dogs & bacon smothered in butter every night. the pups stick to a strict diet of healthy, organic dog food (seriously, the stuff's good. the petco salesman maybe told us it was 'even good enough for humans', so g & i maybe tasted it when we got home, just to be sure.) g has even tried to take him running a few times & we are a park-lovin', walk-takin' family. i'm convinced he must be sneaking out at night and smuggling girl-scout cookies from the pantry, because i rarely see him eat. closet eater, maybe? is he hiding out in the middle of the night, consuming all his calories while he cries into the tub of ice cream he's working on?

g is looking at me funny now & wondering how i am just typing this talk without any research, so i suppose i better

s l o w
d o w n
m y
t y p i n g . . .

more looks, more suspicion.

i'm out. (like shout!).

best. picture. ever.

and i would also like to take the opportunity to officially dub this photo:
best picture ever.
because it is.

"look at the camera, j bubba, look at the camera...."

and to think...he didn't even want dogs at first.
no dogs for the olsens?
ya right.

do you do this with your babies?

My dogs watch TV. Do your dogs watch TV? I am learning that this is a very rare thing for dogs to do, but mine have both watched TV since day one. They are definitely more interested in the Animal Planet than anything else, but will usually watch The Discovery Channel, too. Any time a dog comes on TV, they run up to the screen (as pictured) and either move their heads from side to side, in that "curious dog-look" or bark if the dog pictured poses a threat.

The other day I was making carmelitas, and between Ober trying to jump in the oven & Jack sitting on my feet every time I stood still, I needed some serious alone time (I am laughing as I write this, I talk about them like they are kids). Anyways, I turned on the 2009 Dog Championships & the pups watched it for an hour and a half straight...Toby, from the couch & Bubs, front and center.

I realize that this basically means I am already a mother who shoves her children in front of the TV in order to get them out of her hair, but whatever, my dogs are the coolest.

**and Mom's who shove their babies in front of the TV are the coolest, too***

j bub goes nuts.

earlier this evening,
mr. j bubba olsen
snuck into his uncle jon's room and ate between
15 and 20 bite sized snickers bars.

as we all know, chocolate is not good for pups
so i have been monitoring him closely waiting for the vomiting to begin.

surprisingly, j bub doesn't seem to be feeling the least bit queasy...
instead of a losing his dinner, he seems to have lost his mind.

he is currently sprinting laps around the house as fast as his little legs will take him
with his new gingerbread man in tow

i just turned around to see that the gingerbread man has been shredded alive
(sorry jennie & m)
his guts strewn all over the house.
{may he rip}
earlier, i am pretty sure j bub tried to do a back flip.

i looked up the symptoms of chocolate consumption in canines and sure enough it said:
hyperactivity & restlessness.


now, i apologize, but this will have to be the end of "j bub goes nuts",
i'm off to go rescue his next victim (the slinky dog)

hey, at least he's not dead!