the past two weeks...

• evie decided that food is good after all and proceeded to gain almost a pound in 2 weeks
• g stayed home with us every day and became the official burp boy of the household
• i went out to lunch at an actual restaurant (without the beeb) for the first time in 2 months!
• evie girl attended her first bridal shower & met lots of other ladies
• i had my first diet coke in almost 7 months (what?!)
• it tasted like dirt
• i plan to try again
• ev started playing a fun little game called "see how many diapers i can soil in one changing" wherein she continually pees and poops in her fresh diapers just after the messy one has been taken off. her record so far is 4. we're pretty proud
• speaking of that, g has gone from a man who had never changed a diaper before to a man who has changed at least 5 billion
• i have laughed and cried and cringed at all the brutal realities of nursing for the first time (why doesn't anyone ever tell you these things!?)
• i've also fallen a bit in love with nursing my baby. what can i say, i'm a freak.
• evie has been babysat a few times by her nana who insists on watching her & forces g and i out of the house and into the real world. 
• and by the real world i mean "babies r us" because, besides lunch, that's pretty much the only place we have gone.
• we have lovingly nicknamed our baby girl "one-eyed willy" (not really) due to the fact that she likes to open only one eye at a time only.
• and we have both fallen hard for our little one-eyed girl. like madly, deeply in love. but, i'm sure you could have guessed that.

meet evie.

 our baby girl

evie jane olsen
was born on 1.21.11
5 lbs. 15 oz.
18 inches long

we've only known her for 6 days and already i cannot imagine life without her. her name is pronounced eh-vee (not eve-ee) and we think it suits her perfectly. after all, she has been evie to me all along. so far her little spirit is happy and content and we feel like the luckiest parents on the planet. she is perfectly healthy and didn't require any special care at the hospital. we know that many of you joined us in offering prayers on her behalf and we can't thank you enough for all that you did. our prayers were answered in the most magnificent way and now we have a beautiful baby girl to show for all of the sacrifice and hard moments this pregnancy required. it took about 5 seconds for her spirit to erase all the pain and heaviness my heart had been harboring over the last few months and now i feel so completely whole again. she has made every second of loneliness and sadness so worth it. we are in love.

home to me.

now that i'm nearing the end of this experience
my old life is calling out to me again
for so many days and weeks i would ignore the urge to think about it
i would pretend that home didn't exist
that this was my home
because thinking about everything i was missing was just too painful.

in the evenings, i would watch my little family leave and try hard not to think about where they were going.
night after night i would put on my slippers and walk them to the door and then watch my tall husband walk quickly away with two tiny pups running beside him.

sometimes the pups would turn around and see me watching them
their steps would inevitably stop at the sight of me still standing there
forcing g to drag them along until they turned the corner and i was out of sight

those moments made my heart hurt so badly it almost always brought tears to my eyes.
that man, those dogs, that life.
that is where i belong.
that is my home.

now that the end is in sight, all i can think about is my home
my little family
my simple, mundane, beautiful life.

i can't wait to have it all back again.

sure, i'll be stuck inside with my baby for a few months
and recovering for part of that time
but mark my words, i will be happy
i will be content
i will be grateful
i will be whole
because i will be home.

home to sleep in my bed
home to enjoy my surroundings
home to see my city lights through the window
home to take a bath
home to wake up next to my husband
home to fall asleep next to him, too
home to feed my dogs
home to make my house beautiful 
home to light candles in the evening
home to cook dinner
home to play pandora in the afternoon
home to enjoy sunshine through the windows
home to go for a walk
home to smell freshly washed sheets
home to let my spirit shine
home to be with my people
home to rock my baby 
home to be happy
home to belong

home is everything, because family is everything.
if i have learned one thing from 40 days in the hospital, it is that.
family is everything.

my daily life was so beautiful because it was filled with the people i love. we were not meant to face this life alone. a loving God gave us the divine gift of a family to fill our days with joy and peace. He orchestrated the family so you and i would have someone to fall asleep with, wake up with and do everything in between with. this is His gift to us. and like most of us, i didn't fully comprehend the significance of this gift until i found myself all alone.

my life is really beautiful. it was beautiful before, and even though it feels unbearable right now, it will be beautiful again.

your life is really beautiful, too.
please don't forget it.

bump watch.

here i am at almost 36 weeks posing for posterity in my lovely hospital bathroom! i haven't taken a picture of my belly since this whole debacle began, so today i decided i would find the time in my busy busy schedule to get it done. despite the hardships of my current situation, i still love being pregnant and i need to be better about documenting the good things, like no sickness, very few aches, and a ginormous belly that gets in my way and reminds me that i really am bringing a person into this world. i feel huge, but i really can't complain-i want this baby to get as big as possible considering the fact that she is coming out oh so very very soon. plus, i bet you didn't think it was possible to carry a baby that high. well, now you know!

still cooking.

i know i should be happy about that & i am, but i'm also losing it. for the first 3 weeks all of the nurses told me every day that i was the favorite patient- the one with the best attitude, who was handling things and keeping my cool and still cracking jokes and not crying hysterically every day.

well that lasted 20+ days and now i am officially no longer that person. the crying and freaking out has begun & i don't know how much more i can take. baby is scheduled to be delivered a few days short of 37 weeks & i swear if they try to push it back (again) i might hurt someone. i can take another week or so of this & i can take no more.

i'm happy for baby girl that she is doing so well, but she better ready herself for the big bad world, because there is no way in hell i can do this for much longer. sorry for the bummer post, friends, but everyone has their breaking point & i've officially reached mine. as always, thank you for your thoughts & prayers and i apologize for the poor mood. the good news is today is friday, which means my little family (g+pups) will spend the weekend here with me and i won't have to eat hospital food for a few days and that makes everything more bearable.

ps. baby weighs over 5 pounds this week-she has put on a half a pound each week i've been here! in other news, she is now sucking her entire hand rather than just her thumb. go right ahead, little one, if you can get all 5 fingers in there then why the hell not?

pps. sorry for the usage of two semi-swear words in this post. just keeping it real, folks.

becoming.

If anyone had told me 8 months ago that I would spend the last month of this pregnancy in the hospital, I would have laughed. This pregnancy was so easy once upon a time. I wasn't sick, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't moody and everything was easy...until it wasn't anymore. Which is, I've learned, the way life typically goes.

The first 2 trimesters were pure bliss; filled with excitement, baby clothes, a list of names on the fridge and watching and documenting my belly growth.

The last trimester has been anything but. I don't want to say it has been hell, it hasn't been, but this certainly isn't where I thought I would be this holiday season. I have a closet full of maternity clothes and dresses I am not wearing and a nursery at home that doesn't contain one piece of furniture and is littered with bags and boxes of unopened, unorganized baby gifts.

Most girls dream of spending the last trimester dressing their big bellies as fashionably as possible, enjoying no more morning sickness and best of all, planning and decorating a nursery. I always dreamed about the nursery.

And yet, I am not home, my nursery is non-existent and I don't think I've taken a belly shot in over a month. I wear sweatpants or leggings every day and I consider it a big deal if I put on mascara. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and bruises from IV's and blood draws that never seem to end and my stomach is red and irritated from the constant gelling and wiping and monitoring we do. I try to be patient with the lazy nurses who don't bother to read my chart before they come into my room and then proceed to make me explain who I am, why I'm here and what they need to do as if I am the expert and not them. I say thank you and give away the treats I get to the good nurses who do bother and I spend a lot of time dreaming about going on a date with my husband again someday.

Despite everything I complain about and hate, the best part about every day is still baby. We know each other so well by now. I know her typical sleep/wake patterns, resting heart rate, and can read her NST's with no problem. In my mind she is very much a little person already, complete with a name and a story. I can't spend this long consumed by someone and not know her name. So I keep it a secret and whisper it to her in the dark after everyone has left and she kicks me in response and I know this will all be worth it.

Someday I'll tell her this story. Someday I'll tell her how much she was loved before she even came to earth. I'll tell her that lying in a hospital bed for weeks and weeks was worth every smile and giggle and snuggle she gives me. I'll tell her that I would have done more, done anything, for her. I'll tell her that she made me into a mother, even before I officially was one. She is teaching me about unconditional love and sacrifice, about caring for those around you, no matter what the cost. About being more Christ-like and selfless. This is her gift to me.

She has made me into a mother. This experience has made me into a mother.

And that makes it worth it.

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to be continued...

I thought some of you might like a little update. Baby girl and I are currently in the hospital where we will stay until she is born in 2 weeks (or sooner if she shows any signs of stress). Unfortunately my low fluid isn't correcting itself and my doctors think we shouldn't keep her in there any longer than 34 weeks.

I never expected to experience anything like this and of course, my heart is broken that I don't get to carry her full term, but I have faith and confidence in my doctors, and more importantly I have faith in my Heavenly Father.

She is going to be teeny tiny when she comes into the world, but we are grateful that all signs indicate that she will be healthy and strong as well.

Your prayers and concern mean so much to me, they bring me to tears every day.Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us and praying for us. I know I will need them as I try to get through this scary time in my life and be happy and positive in this situation.

Amidst all the uncertainty the only thing I know for sure is that I love this baby and am willing to go to the ends of the earth and back to bring her into this world safely. I'm grateful that this year she will be my Christmas present. Until then.

Xoxo

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let it go, let it go, let it go.

yes, you read that correctly.

right now, i'm desperately trying to let. it. go.

that might even become my theme song this month.

there are about a million things i need to do and want to do and can't do, because of this pregnancy. baby is still doing fine, but i have been instructed to lay around for most of the day and allow my body to focus on nothing other than taking care of her. which is fine, really, except it's december and there are presents to buy and wrap, cards to write, neighbor gifts to bake, a house to clean and clean and clean again and not to mention a completely empty nursery looming down the hallway that may very well be greeting a new special visitor in, oh, one month or so.

yesterday my doctor told me that he will likely want to induce me around 36 weeks (and let's all hope not a day sooner than that). when he first said it i was so excited until i really started to wrap my brain around what that meant. 36 weeks as in 5 weeks from now? as in just a few weeks after christmas? as in right when most of my baby showers are scheduled?

i came home from the appointment and tried to put on a brave face for g and then walked into her nursery and burst into tears. i don't know how to explain the meltdown i had except to say that i'd had 3 doctors appointments that day and my house wasn't/isn't clean and i am officially pregnant. (is that a good enough exuse?)

there is nothing i would like more right now than to deep-clean every inch of this place and organize my linen closet and then go out and buy her crib and curtains and start decorating, but i can't. so her room will most likely be a bit plain, and even though it is going to kill me, she might come home to a less-than-sterile home and i am going to have to let g do the christmas shopping this year (i apologize in advance to all family members), because i simply have to let it all go.

perhaps this is my first lesson in motherhood??

decked.

 we had a fun time decking our halls this year. by the time thanksgiving rolled around i was ready to go all out...i even put up christmas lights outside for the very first time! i still have a few more things i want to do, but for the most part it's cheerful and bright and i'm satisfied. merry december!

our little love.

unfortunately, in the past few weeks we've had a little complication arise in my pregnancy. it isn't anything too alarming as of now, but it needs to be monitored closely until our baby girl arrives. it has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me over the past few weeks as i've been trying to deal with this new aspect of my pregnancy that i never expected. i obviously wish there was absolutely nothing to worry about, but at the same time i am grateful that our baby is healthy and i know things could be much much worse.

 anyways, now that i am reaching the end of the pregnancy it means that i am being monitored very closely with non-stress tests and ultrasounds twice a week. so far, little lady passes her non-stress tests with flying colors and always makes the nurses smile and laugh when she gets the hiccups while hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and we all get to hear them. it also means i get to see her and check on her all the time. i feel like i already know her so well. i know that her tiny hands will always be covering her face when it comes time for an ultrasound and that she puts on the best show if i sneak a cookie for her right before. it also means that my fridge looks like this:

 and that isn't even all of the pictures we have of her. there are more in our bedroom and even more in our office. she continues to grow and change every week and we continue to look forward to her safe arrival (hopefully not too soon!)

so far, she is doing just fine and my issue (low amniotic fluid) doesn't seem to be bothering her, but if you would like to include her in your prayers, i certainly won't stop you. ;)