10 things.

• 01. I miht be the world's worst sleeper. It usually takes me at least an hour to fall asleep at night. Longer if G and Evie are both asleep and rubbing it in with their loud rhythmic breathing (no fair!). I blame my insomnia on my chatty brain, which refuses to shut up once the stars come out.

• 02. I let my hair air-dry and then proceed to do nothing with it every single day. And no, I haven't "let myself go", I've been doing this for years and years and don't plan on changing anytime soon. Blow-dryers are over-rated and I like natural wave and curl. Also, I am lazy.

• 03. I hate confrontation. I am a good person to get mad at or start a fight with, because unless you are my Husband or my Mother I will absolutely apologize immediately, regardless of whether or not I think I am right (G and Jana don't have it so easy).

• 04. I have recently discovered that I lick my lips. I have been completely unaware of this habit for the past 24 years and am still unaware of it now, which makes it a pretty difficult habit to kick. Impossible, really, so don't judge!

• 05. Most of the time I am an animal lover, but every now and then I question that. Like last night, when a cat spent the better part of the night outside our window howling like she was being skinned alive. At first I wondered what could possibly be stressing (or hurting) a cat so badly and I felt sad for her, but after a few hours, I just started wishing for her to DIE ALREADY.

• 06. I can't be happy in a messy house. Period. End of Story. I have tried hard to overcome this and just chill out and play regardless of mess, but I just can't and I'm sorry. Give me 10 minutes to straighten up my little home and I will be delightful and non-neurotic for the rest of the day. Promise.

• 07. Speaking of that, I will admit to being deceptively clean. If you pop in on me in the afternoon, my house will probably look clean, but don't open a cupboard or a closet if you want to help me keep up the illusion, because something will most definitely fly out at you if you do.

• 08. I don't like to craft. There, I said it. I tried really hard to like crafting last week (it seemed like the thing to do) but my attempt was unsuccessful. It's messy. Really messy. And when you finish you end up with something that looks exactly like a craft. 

• 09. I am trying hard to incorporate Capital Letters back into my life. I forgot about them (on the blog, at least) in the middle of my last semester of college when I was so buried in essays and papers I wanted to die. The blog was a way to rebel- but unfortunately, the momentary rebellion turned into something more and now I am afraid for myself-hence Capital Letters, once again.

• 10. Sometimes I shower for the majority of Evie's morning nap. I always sit down in the shower (which is a tub, too) and sometimes I doze off. This is a bad habit that is still alive from my early mornings in High School, but it's dreamy and you should try it. It also might be exactly what I plan on doing as soon as I hit "publish".

There you go.
10 things for your Monday.
Would love to hear 10 from you, too.

ella and evie.

 evie and her cousin, ella.

they are 7 weeks apart.

their daddy's are twins.

i hope they share many adventures and secrets over the years.

and when they fight (because they surely will)

i hope they make up quickly.

*i wish i could have gotten better shots of both of their beautiful faces, but ev was looking at me the whole time & ella, of course, was looking right at her mommy.

photo flop.

Besides the pictures Linds took for us, me & Evs don't have any photos together. Partly because I am the picture-taker in the family (G and Evie have 10 million) and partly because G has a really amazing talent of taking the ugliest pictures of me possible. Anytime I ask him to take a picture of us he refuses to get up to do so, so we end up with a picture of mine and Evie's double chins. Pretty great.

Yesterday, I tried to remedy this problem. I'd showered that day and my baby was happy, so a photo shoot was had. Let me tell you, getting a picture of you & your baby is not easy. We had maybe one semi-acceptable photo of the bunch when I finally just gave up and took pictures of her instead. After all, she's never taken a bad photo in her life!

Here is the pretty girl all by herself. She is my favorite thing ever right now. I've decided I need to clone her so I have two copies. Real Evie can go on and grow up, but cloned Evie will be shrunken down to polly-pocket size and not be allowed to grow any further. And then I will carry mini Evie around in my pocket for the rest of my life as a tiny baby.

Think about it. It could work. 

my thoughts about infertility. and trials. and other things.

Can I tell you that I really debated sharing that letter I wrote yesterday. I have a private blog that only Greg and I can see, where I usually publish letters and personal thoughts and I almost wrote that letter there instead. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to say, "My life is perfect, my baby is perfect, my husband is perfect and this isn't even hard" because I hate when I get that vibe from other blogs I read and I don't think that helps any of us.

Sure, I've had some success with Evie by following the advice of my friends, sisters-in-law, cousins and Mom (not to mention  Babywise!!) but a lot of it is just her and we struggle in other areas. For a long time I was really frustrated because Evie loved to sleep more than she liked to do almost anything else. She would fall asleep after 3 minutes of nursing and refuse to eat any more. And then she would get dehydrated and become even more tired and we would wind up at the Doctor's office (again) for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. I agree with my cousin, when she said it is hard to always know what the right thing is to do. There have been times when my instincts told me one thing and a nurse told me another and I haven't known who to listen to. I am slowing learning the answer to that question (instincts!) and trying to trust that I really do know what is best for her.

It's not always easy, but I really do love being a Mom. I love it despite the spit-up (or in Evie's case, the projectile vomit that sticks to my hair like glue), the nighttime fussiness, and the constant exhaustion (yes, I still manage to be tired, which is pathetic and I have no right). I love it despite the fact that babies cry. I try to remember that I spent a lot of time before Evie was born wishing for her to be healthy, for her to be well, for her to have mature lungs that would allow her to cry and fuss like a baby should. I spent many nights praying for a baby who could cry and I try to be happy and grateful and remember that when my prayers are being answered and she is wailing.

Rewind even further and I try to remember that I spent lots of nights praying for a baby, period. I am one of the many many women who struggled to get pregnant, and although I didn't feel comfortable writing about it at the time (at least not here), I am realizing how important it is to talk about that. For some, getting pregnant is a simple task. You ask for a baby, you receive a baby, end of story. I asked for a baby and I received humility, patience and increased faith to endure the trial of not having a baby, instead.

I learned so many things on my journey to motherhood and it wasn't always an easy road. There were times when I felt forgotten and alone and then so many others when I felt strengthened and supported by so many who traveled that road along with me. If I learned anything from the experience (besides patience and faith and more patience and more faith!) it is that the Lord gives us experiences that are difficult, in part, so that we can help others when they find themselves in similar situations. When I wanted a baby and couldn't have one, nothing made me feel better like the advice of someone who had been there or who was going through the same thing, so I hope that I can be that for someone else now that I am on the other side looking back.

I don't really know where I am going with this post, but I have just been thinking about all of this a lot lately. All of us have our own personal struggles and times where we feel like our lives aren't heading in the direction we feel they should go. We also have those moments where we realize that we are exactly where we should be. I think our trials are a blessing for so many reasons, but especially because they serve as a reminder to be happy and grateful and present in our lives when we finally come out the other side and feel good again. They serve as a reminder to appreciate those moments of peace and contentment before our next growing experience begins. 

I don't have it all figured out, but I do know that this is my moment of peace and contentment after wanting a baby for so long and then wanting a healthy, full-term baby for so long. I am savoring every minute of it, regardless of the fact that it can be hard. I am remembering that this is what I prayed for all those nights and I am trying to appreciate the fact that now I am struggling with other aspects of my life, but I am no longer struggling with that. So no, my life is not perfect, nor is my baby perfect and my marriage can always be improved, but I am still grateful for all of it because it is mine.

month two.

Dear Ev,

Today I feel like writing you a letter. You are 10 weeks old! Where has the time gone? Part of me feels like it has all flown by and the other part of me feels like I've known you and loved you forever, which makes sense, because I have. Now that you are here, I simply cannot imagine my life without smiley, giggly, happy, adorable little you.

You are 10 weeks old, but you don't yet weigh 10 pounds (9 pounds 7 ounces last we checked) . You are 10 weeks old and still fit best in things that are labeled "newborn". You sleep 9 hours at night, from 10pm to 7am (bless you!) and you finally love to nurse. You are 10 weeks old and a complete delight.

Your little life is busy and you spend it smiling. You are a happy baby and so easy going and content. I don't like being home all the time, so I have tried hard to continue to go out and do the things that make me happy and I am so grateful that you will go with the flow and let me drag you along. You have gotten used to taking your nap in your carseat, or in your stroller, or at Nana's house, if that's where we are. Although you are flexible, you love your schedule and follow it religiously. If I am even 10 minutes late putting you down for a nap you will surely let me know that "it's nap time!" and you'd like to go to sleep now! You don't like to be  rocked or bounced when it's time for bed, you just want to be swaddled and put down and then you will close your little eyes and happily fall asleep, without all the fuss. You remind me so much of your Dad in that way.

Speaking of your Dad...he adores you, but that doesn't surprise us, does it? He calls to check on you every day and tells you he missed you every night. I love what you have done to him, Evie. You have changed him. Suddenly he sings songs and changes diapers and is the guy in the restaurant feeding a baby a bottle. We both knew that parenthood would be hard and require a lot of energy, but I don't think either of us could have anticipated how happy it would make us. You make us want more babies now and could they please all be exactly like you?

I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I don't know how. My Mom used to tell me that I wouldn't understand how she feels about me until I had a baby of my own and now I will say the same thing to you, because it's true.

I don't know how to describe that feeling, so I will say this instead. For a few days last week, you weren't feeling well. We aren't sure why, but for some reason you were throwing up every day. I would nurse you and try to soothe you and sure enough, eventually you would throw up in my hair, down my shirt, all over my outfit, with tears streaming down your face. By the third day I had a mountain of laundry to do and had taken at least 10 showers. Your Dad jokingly told me to stop holding you so much. It would make more sense for me to put you down after feeding you and wait for you to throw up in your chair rather than all over me. It made sense, but it didn't happen. No matter how many times I ended up with puke in my hair, I held you.

Being a Mom feels like that. Regardless of the situation, I want to be the one holding you. If you have to throw up, then I want you to do it in my arms. I want to make you happy, make you feel better. I want to be the one who wipes your tears and makes you smile again. I want to be the one who is cooped up in this little home with you, covered in your spit-up.

I will always be here for you, baby girl. There is no where else for me to be.

Love,
Mommy

under the puffs and dreaming.

a few snapshots of ev's room, which is still a work in progress, and yes she is 2 1/2 months old and just barely got a crib last week. i imagine it is much easier to put together a room before the actual baby has arrived and you have more than 2 hours at a time to work and shop before your baby needs to be fed, am i right? i am lucky evie is an angel baby who doesn't seem to mind going to ikea, downeast and tj maxx every single day.

my favorite part of the room is the baby who is currently sleeping in it. see the pink & white blanket peeking out? yep, that part.

also, the title of this post makes me laugh. for some reason all i could think about when naming it is that album. (this is the part where half of you decide i'm crazy and the other half know what i'm talking about).

blessed.

 this past sunday, march 27th, we blessed our baby girl in the same dress i wore 24 years ago on my blessing day. it was such a special day for our family and one we will never forget. when i was laying in that hospital bed for weeks on end this was the day i was looking forward to. to be home, to be together, to have things progressing as they should be. the day finally came and g gave evie a beautiful blessing. i can't help but say that i am so grateful he is her daddy. i was reminded why i chose to marry him early sunday morning when i found him ironing her blessing dress without being asked. he couldn't understand why i thought it was so sweet, but i am sure most of you girls will understand. just the fact that he wanted her to look beautiful for her special day and took the initiative to iron her dress without any prompting from me was so loving of him. she is lucky, and so am i.

on a side note, because our apartment is small and our immediate families are already big, we decided to celebrate this event with just my family and gregs. we wanted to include our aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, but there is no way we could have hosted everyone in our home and we didn't want to invite some and leave others out, or invite some to the blessing but not to our home. after trying to think of ways to include both extended families and both sets of friends, and realizing there is no way we could get even a portion of them in our house, we decided to just celebrate with our immediate families this time. we hope you all understand and know that we love you dearly.

toes.

g gave me a new lens for my birthday. i love it. yet another way to waste time while i should be cleaning, cooking and starching my husband's shirts, right?

for the record i used the phrase "starching my husband's shirts" because it sounded right. i have never done that before and wouldn't know how to do it if i were asked. and now i will go bask in my shame.

pudge.

evie is petite (she was in the 3rd percentile when she was born! too funny) but she is still managing to pack on pudge in all the places that matter.

this is evie's belly. it is large and round and edible.

and here are her cheeks and double chin (not to mention adorable smile!) to go along with the tummy.

  she is irresistible. 

twenty four.

 my birthday used to be the shiz.

when i was little, the anticipation was so great i sometimes thought it might kill me to wait until march 21st each year. my parents made birthdays really special. sometimes we were checked out of school for lunch, sometimes we got to choose special restaurants for dinner...always, there was a party. my birthday felt like the greatest day of the year.

i don't feel that way anymore.

in fact, early early this morning, when i got up to feed my baby, it hadn't occurred to me that it was already my birthday. when my husband wished me a happy birthday a few hours later on his way to work, it finally dawned on me. oh right, 24.

i thought about what i might want to do with my day as i lay in bed waiting for evie to wake up. a list of a million errands immediately came to my mind, none of them the least bit exciting or birthday worthy. i thought about what i should wear (choosing a birthday outfit used to be a big deal, you know) and then reminded myself that ev has been on a puking streak all weekend and i should probably rule out anything i actually love.

and then i thought about what i might want for my birthday, and that one was easy. how about 12 straight hours of uninterrupted sleep. can we possibly make that wish a reality?


but then, as quickly as the thought came, the little girl next door starting calling out to me, begging for me to come hold her, change her, kiss her, feed her. and i realized no. no way.

so instead of fulfilling my wish for hours of rest, baby girl and i have big plans for lunch, a little bit of shopping and perhaps a dessert or two in the afternoon. and we're both going to wear our birthday best. after all, she turns 2 months old today, too.

today, i'm 24.

24 and more tired.
24 and more needed.
24 and usually covered in spit-up.
24 and happier.
24 and more blessed.
24 and more loved.

a happy birthday, indeed.