month five.

she's five months old today.

her eyes are really blue.
her hair is really blond.
her cheeks are really rosy.

she loves to roll from back to tummy and then yell for me to come flip her back.
she jabbers, laughs, smiles and screams in excitement at me all day long.

she is shy.
she is observant.
she reminds me of her dad.

she says "mamamama" when she is upset.
she isn't referring to me.
it is still my favorite thing ever.

she is cuddly.
she puts everything in her mouth.
she gives the best hugs and kisses.

we love her.

photo challenge. day three.

clouds:

confused? i'm doing this challenge.

baby daddy.

is there anything better than a baby daddy who is also a wonderful father?

no, i say.
there is nothing better.

happy father's day, to my sweet g.
we adore you.

photo challenge. day two.

what i wore today:

red striped top: target, yo

brown belt: target, yo

black skinny jeans: urban outfitters

grey lace ups: urban outfitters

see ya for day three on monday, peeps.

30 day photo challenge. day one.

my friend introduced me to this photo challenge. i thought i'd play along (and perhaps figure out how to use my camera, while i'm at it?).

day one calls for a self-portrait. those are terribly difficult to take, don't you think? i got a few that are far more flattering of me than this one (and a few that are actually in focus), but if i'm being honest rather than vain, i think this photo represents me the best.

play along, why don't you? (a few of you are rad photographers and i would love to see what you come up with)

those summer nights.

earlier this evening, i heard something walking around on my roof.
the wuss in me panicked slightly. a stalker? a serial killer? a neighborhood hooligan?!

it wasn't a hooligan.
it was my friend, mckenzie.

i was relieved to see her.
we laughed.

she was up there taking pictures of the summer night.
that sounded like a good idea to me, so i came inside and took this picture through my dirty window.

someday, when we don't live here any longer, i know that i will miss those windows and sitting on the lawn with mckenzie and her kids the very most.

if she could talk.

hi my name is evie and i might never take a nap AGAIN!!! but that's okay because i'm exceptionally cute and i like to say "ahhhahhhahhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" all day long and roll around everywhere. more fun than napping, right?!

the other day, in sacrament meeting, i decided to say "ahhhhahhhahhhhhhhhh" really loudly during all the quiet parts of the meeting so everyone in the chapel could hear. my mom tried really hard to make me stop, but i just love to talk, so she hung her head and laughed in embarrassment, instead. i'm so funny, right?! do you want to hear all my noises?

ahhhahahhhhhhhhhhhhh
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oooooohhhhh
owwwowwwowww
oh oh oh oh oh
waahhhhh!!!!!!
cough, cough, cough

this is my friend, sophie the giraffe. sophie the giraffe belongs in my mouth. my fingers belong in my mouth. YOUR fingers belong in my mouth. that blanket belongs in my mouth!!

what is that you're holding?! is it edible? what does it taste like?

PUT IT IN MY MOUTH!!!

we like them warm with caramel sauce on top.

I used to say that I would never nurse my baby to sleep. And most of the time, I don't. I mean, that is never ever my intention. Except on days like today when I am trying to get her to nap somewhere other than her crib and she is crying and crying and crying and nothing is working, so I think to myself "Well, maybe she just didn't eat enough???" so I try to nurse her, just a little and then BAM...She is out cold.

Just nursed my baby to sleep, right? Woops.

I used to say that I wouldn't let my baby's nap schedule rule my life. And it doesn't. Except it does. Because boy do I get stressed out when we aren't home for her to take them. And I try to get her to nap other places, really I do. Except she is acquiring quite the little personality these days and she really doesn't want to. And sometimes it's just easier to let her win.

I used to say that I would never eat more than 2 ghirardelli brownies per day and I would still make time to paint my fingernails. Except I had one earlier, and one just now and a couple more sound good when I finish writing this post, don't you think? And while we're having this discussion, do you know what happens the second you finish painting your nails, friends?! The baby wakes up and they get ruined, so why bother? My nails look awful.

Before I became a Mother, I used to say that I would never do a lot of things that I currently do. Because back then I didn't know what it felt like to be a Mother. I didn't know what it felt like to love someone like that. To hurt for someone else like that. And now I do. And it changes everything.

I still wake up every day with the best of intentions, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am breaking all the rules. Because I love her more than I can describe. Because it is so much harder to listen to her cry than I ever could have imagined. Because I just want to chill out on the couch for a minute sometimes and "hey, you'd rather lie with me right now than eat your dinner?"

"Sure, whatever, no problem".

Sometimes I think about these things and wonder if I'm messing up. I want to do just this one thing in my life right. I want her to respect me and obey me, and yet, I want her to think I'm the shiz. I want her to look at me the way I look at my Mother. And I can't help but wonder if she will.

This evening as I sat with my Mom and confessed all of this-confessed to the uncertainly in my decision making, confessed to the accidental nursing to sleep, confessed to the feelings of guilt-She looked at me and said "Jess, the one thing you learn as a Mother is that at some point or another, you eat every word you've ever said".

And she's right, you know. I'm eating my words these days.

They taste like brownies.