hey jess, you're showing.

That's my favorite thing people say these days.  

Wow, you're popping out now! or Jess, you're starting to look pregnant. Of course they are teasing me because I am huuuuuge these days and even bigger than I was when I gave birth to Evie less than 2 years ago. Which is kind of scary considering I still have about 8 weeks to go.

Carrying twins has been an adventure, both good and bad. I am so grateful that they are doing well so far (knock on wood) and I haven't been put on bed-rest or sent to the hospital or been given any reason to worry about them yet. In that aspect, it's been a better pregnancy than my first and I know I am so lucky to experience it, but it is also exhausting.

Carrying around this enormous belly while simultaneously carrying around my not-yet-walking Evie Jane has been brutal at times. I have back pain like I didn't know was possible and by the end of the day my entire body just throbs from the weight of the 3 of them. Thanks to the stresses of remodeling, and the fact that my sweet husband is gone every day, all day, as well, it's also been a much more emotional pregnancy for me. I get scared when I think about adding TWO MORE babies to the mix and I wonder if I can really do it, a thought that has brought me to tears many times. (It should also be noted that the thought of two more sweet blonde babies to love and hold also brings me to tears, so it's not all nervousness).

Luckily, we are almost done with our kitchen remodel and will definitely be settled and moved before the babies come, which is a huge relief. I used to think that having a husband who was a grad student on top of work was difficult, but now I can't wait for the days when school, work and babies is all we have to worry about. Funny how life brings you perspective that way.

More than anything, I am SO grateful for that hard-working husband of mine (and for both of our families who have helped so much and literally saved our lives) because our kitchen is looking amazing and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that it's mine! Can't wait to share the before and after pictures soon.

29 weeks

PS. I asked G to snap a picture of my belly after church last week since I only have a couple of them and he LAUGHED OUT LOUD just as he took it. That's right--the sight of me standing sideways like this with my enormous belly on display made him laugh. LOW POINT.

a proper goodbye.

Today I am missing Jack and Toby.

What good little men they were. What sweet little dogs. I get update emails from Aunt Evie in Colorado and I can't help but smile and laugh and cry a little bit, too, when she tells me about their new lives and adventures and experiences out there without us.

It still feels like they belong here with me. It still feels like they are mine. I loved them and cared for them and babied them for almost six years and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't give them what they deserve forever.

I was out of town when it happened. It was for the best that way. Greg called me the night before, SLC to California, and told me he was nervous about handing them off the next day. For weeks and months I had been ignoring the sadness I felt over the situation, pushing down the pain, but when we talked about it that night suddenly every tear and heartache I had inside me came spilling over. I couldn't speak or move or catch my breath, it seemed. I so badly wanted to be there with him to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to breathe in Toby's little frito-lay head and rub J Bubba's fat belly. I wanted to tell them how much they had meant to me, how they had saved me so many times, been exactly what I needed. I hoped that they knew. I hope they still know.

My life is changing so quickly these days, sometimes I hardly recognize myself. For the most part, I try to be positive and excited about the road ahead, but in quiet moments all alone, I also feel a deep sadness over the loss of the life I thought I would have; a life where I could handle my kids and my dogs and everyone fit on the sidewalk together. I thought adding another baby to the family would be a simple transition, a minor change of pace, and then the ultrasound showed two beating heartbeats instead of one and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.

I know that we made the right decision. I know she can care for them in a way I won't be able to anymore. I know that my time and energy and love will be swallowed up whole by my 3 little ones and I know there would have been nothing left for those sweet dogs waiting patiently on their bed in the corner. I know they will be happier in their new life, that our new life won't leave enough space for them in it. My heart tells me all of this, and I know we did what is best.

But that doesn't mean it isn't unbearably sad.

month nineteen.

Dear Evie Girl, You are 19 months old!

Here's a glimpse into your little life and personality at 19 months.

At this age, you are such a little ham. You love attention, you love to be funny, you love looking at yourself in the mirror and making eyebrows at people. You love taking pictures and watching videos of yourself. You are happy, happy, happy and so much fun to be around. I hope you never lose that aspect of  your personality, because you bring sunshine to everyone around you.

You love to talk and you NEVER stop doing it. You are getting really good at mimicking phrases we say and you love to carry on pretend phone conversations, conversations with your babies or read books to yourself out loud. Yesterday was a hard day for me and I was upset when your Dad came home and you heard him kindly say to me "are you okay?" and ever since then you've been tilting your little head, looking up at me with those big blue eyes and saying "yew otay?". You are constantly copying us like that, it's hysterical. Besides the usual words you've been saying for months, some of your other new favorites are ball, happy, please, nose, toes, and every variation of Mama you can think of (you now say Mama! when you are demanding something of me, Mom!? when you don't know where I am and Mommy when you are just being sweet. Mommy is my favorite).

You still love animals. Reading about them, talking about them, seeing them and going over their sounds are your favorites. You've got the greatest little "meow!" for a kitty and the funniest "quack quack!" for a duck. You know all sorts of animal sounds, but those two are your favorites.

You are starting to get really interested in body parts and are learning where your nose, eyes, mouth, ears, belly button and toes are. You love to point these parts out on other people, too and will point and say "nose" when someone picks you up and you can see them face to face. You love to look at your belly button and then Mom's belly button and then laugh (for obvious reasons, Mom's belly button is an outie these days).

You still love babies and are so sweet with yours. You will find your little doll, say "baby!" and then make this little "ohhh ohhh ohhhhhh" sound (that I guess is supposed to be your interpretation of the way a mom talks to a baby?) and rock and pat baby on the back. You love to pretend to feed them, brush their hair, give them baba's and wrap them in dish towels before you tuck them away in my kitchen drawers (that one's my favorite).

You still aren't walking, but you've made a lot of progress this past month. Before we went on our trip to California, you were still so stubborn about even walking with me holding both your hands, and by the time we got home your attitude had changed a lot and you seemed to want to try again. This week you've been walking next to me just holding one of my hands or even one finger and you are doing so well with it. It's crazy to me that you can do that, but you still aren't brave enough to even try to stand up by yourself? You are much more capable than you realize and still need to get over your fears. We love you just the way you are, but don't crawl forever, okay?

You are a social little thing and that is what makes me most excited about these twins on the way. You love to have friends, play with others and wave and smile at every little person you see. You are going to be such a good big sister and I know you will be so happy to have two little playmates all the time (you get really bored with just me). I know there will be a lot of drama with 3 little ones so close in age, but I can't even imagine how much fun the 3 of you will have either. I'm so happy for you to have your little brother and sister coming soon.

You went to Nursery at church for the first time a month ago and you loved it. I thought you would do fine going and you did. You are so confident and friendly you thrive in situations like those and hardly notice when we walk out the door. It made my heart ache a little to peek in on you and see you sitting in the corner playing with the dolls by yourself or at the snack table eating goldfish crackers and nilla wafers. I am not ready for you to grow up just yet.

You are a busy body and you are constantly into everything all the time. You follow me all around the house and make messes in whatever room I'm in. You are obsessed with the kitchen drawers and spent months opening the lowest one, taking out all the dish towels and spreading them all over the house. Since I'm kind of a neat-freak this wasn't my favorite. Finally I realized that I could probably teach you to put them back when you were done with them and you would stuff them all back in and shut the drawer before crawling away. Now it is basically "Evie's drawer" because you are constantly storing your little treasures in it. When you opened the drawer tonight as I cooked, I saw a few books, a doll, a leaf, a tube of my lipstick, a sharpie, a piece of Tupperware and a rubix cube in there.

You are such a sweet, funny, loving, beautiful, smart and special little girl. You make my life better and happier in every way and I couldn't ask for anything more than you. We love you so much, Evie Janey.

Love, Mommy

newport 2012.

Newport Beach! What can I say? We LOVE this place. I've written about this trip in the past here, here, and here and much of the commentary could be exactly the same because we do the same things, eat at the same places and go to the same beaches every time. And that's part of the fun of it, right? I was so excited to take my own little girl this time around and watch her experience everything I love (the ocean! sandcastles! bikes and corn dogs!) and luckily she was a huge fan. Despite the fact that I am hugely pregnant and still had to carry her everywhere, I couldn't have asked for her to be any more delightful or pleasant. She was such a good girl the whole week and happily spent hours and hours playing with shovels and buckets, covering herself with sand like a sugar donut and soaking up the last of summer. She has quite the little tan line to prove it!

the beach.

Yep, she ate a lot of sand. My husband would have DIED. The way I see it, you have 2 choices: spend the entire day saying "no!" and trying to get them not to eat the sand (impossible) or sit back, chill-out and let them have fun. A little (or a lot) of sand never hurt anyone and the sand-filled diapers aren't that bad, right you guys?!

 the wedge.

 disneyland.

(okay, here is where i fail as a mother, because my pictures from disneyland SUCK. it was so hot this day and i was just focused on keeping evie hydrated and happy and not going into pre-term labor myself. the last thing on my mind was my camera. i took one picture all day with my cell and like 20 nonsense ones with my camera of random shiz that no one cares about. i pretty much don't even have proof that she was there. sorry, evs. just know that we went, we had so much fun, you LOVED it and i was too busy to document any of it.)

 

at the mickey mouse clubhouse live show. considering evie is mickey's number one fan, her mind was pretty blown.

 last day at the beach.

i love my boyfriend!

poor banana broke her arm a few weeks prior and couldn't get her cast wet.

 and here comes a reel of my favorite pictures ever...

 they didn't even like the ocean, is basically what i'm saying.

We also took a lot of bike rides, ate at all our favorite places, shopped at Fashion Island, took the harbor cruise, went deep-sea fishing (the guys), got ice cream at Jane's, etc, etc, but this is where the pictures end. The only thing that could have made the trip better would have been Greg. The poor guy could barely stand to hear that we were eating breakfast at Mutts or going fishing (not me, of course) or that we spent the day boogie boarding at the beach. We missed him and I came home with the sorest back imaginable without him there to do everything for me like he usually does. Just kidding. We love you, G!

The next time we go on this trip (if our lives don't end come fall, that is) I will have have a 3 1/2 year old and 18 month old twins. GAME OVER.