in which my baby's blow-outs make me think. and how strange is that?!

 Pictures from my time in the hospital.

Tonight, after tacos and cold diet cokes, G & I sat on our living room couch and bounced our baby. We had her on the edge of my knees, sitting up stiffly, bouncing up and down and back and forth as she laughed and screamed in delight. And we watched her with permanent smiles on our faces.

After we finished, she sat on her Dad's lap and then suddenly, began to fuss. After giving her her bink, rocking her for a bit and trying all of his Daddliest tricks, G lifted her slightly and discovered the problem. She'd had a blow-out. A massive one. And now his shirt, his shorts and her little outfit were all covered in baby pee.

He tried to solicit my help. "It's a blow-out!" he yelled. "I need back-up". So I came and watched, but didn't help. After all, I change blow-outs all the time. And really, he's got it.

He returned her to me after using most of the wipes in the warmer and proclaimed it to be the wettest, soggiest diaper he had ever seen (isn't this just a lovely post!?). And I had this thought, instantly, come into my head:"This from the baby who didn't pee enough in her Mom's tummy".

And even as I said it, I surprised myself with how meaningful a little statement like that really was. How miraculous it was, really. Because now, that baby...she pees.

And she's that same baby. My baby. My baby that baffled doctors, that left them confused and uncertain. My baby that lived inside my stomach for months with little-to-no amniotic fluid (which is really just made up of baby urine, did you know?). My baby that so many Doctor's told me might be sick, might have problems, might not be well. My baby that landed me in the hospital on bed-rest for 6 weeks. My baby whose little heart we had to listen to every 3 hours. Whose NST's were scheduled twice per day.

And all because we needed to make sure there hadn't been a kink in her umbilical cord. Because she didn't have enough amniotic fluid to move. Because we needed to make sure she was still alive.

Because, my Doctor finally proclaimed in confusion, she simply didn't pee enough.

But oh, that baby, she pees now.
All the time, really.
And she laughs, she cries, she screams in delight. She grows, she changes, she learns.

And she's fine.

Sometimes I look at her and feel overwhelmed with the knowledge that God loves us. That even when we think there isn't a reason to hope, there is. That situations change. That nothing is permanent. That bad times get better. That life goes on. And sometimes, people surprise us.

We have the blow-outs to prove it.

oh, mr. sun.

This past weekend, the sun decided to come out and say hello. And suddenly, all the world was pleasant again and I was super stoked about the possibility of summer (do you really think it will come? No, really...do you?!?!).

Suddenly I had the greatest ideas like, "Hey Ev, let's put on our swimming suits!" and "Let's picnic at the park!" and "Who wants to lay outside in the sunshine for 2 hours?" (I do!). And we made turkey burgers and sweet potato fries! I bought Creamies! Ev wore sunscreen! Hell, we went to the ZOO!

Do you know what happened today, friends? Do you know what happened after that weekend of glorious sunshine? Do you know what happened after I finally got some color on my skin and introduced Ev to the season that will inevitably be her life-long favorite (after all, girls who look that good in bathing suits love summer).

After all that, It snowed.

That's right.
Snow.

And now, we're not quite sure what to do with ourselves. I mean, we were sort of getting used to the idea of being summer babies and now this?! In our boredom, we've made cookies and homemade pizza (homemade dough, even!). I've watched too much television (Oprah is leaving and I'm not handling it well). Ev has taken a few too many naps. We've snuggled in bed & become well-acquainted with Baby Einstein. We've taken baths. We've practiced rolling over. We've gazed longingly out the window at our awaiting stroller.

And we've had photo shoots.

You guys, we're bored.

swaddle me.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am so exhausted I have no idea why I am sitting here at the computer when I could be swimming in my silky soft sheets and enjoying my ice-cold pillow instead. I don't know. Sometimes I make bad decisions.

Except I'm here because I'm tired. And I feel like talking about that. Because, well, how do the rest of you Mothers do it? And I mean, seriously. You know you Mothers whose babies continue to wake up in the middle of the night well into their first year of life. Yes, you Mothers! You Mothers are amazing! Also, you Mothers who have more than one child! And how do you do that, really!? Do you down a few bottles of 5 hour energy each morning? Do you eat nothing but caffeinated foods all day long (dark chocolate and diet coke, perhaps? I think that's wise). I mean what in the world wide web do I have to be complaining about, anyway.

Except, being a Mother is exhausting. Especially when I consider that I'm responsible for teaching her to talk, to walk, to roll over, to sit, to stand, to sing, to read, to chew, to swallow, to say her prayers, to say thank you, to not feed her cheerios to the dogs, to know how to throw a decent punch (because I do!), to like tomatoes and to never ever talk to strangers. I also plan on teaching her how to forge signatures and memorize song lyrics, but maybe that's just me.

And then there's the tummy time. Darn that tummy time! I never remember the tummy time. I think today's session was only Ev's 3rd in her life and needless to say, girlfriend doesn't perform as expected on the tummy. Usually I just watch her try to suckle and nurse the blanket her face is shoved up against for a few minutes and then call it good (but don't you fret, because her head is round and she can totally hold it up all by herself, the rockstar). Anyways, somewhere in between the diapers, the baths, nursing, more nursing and the tummy time, boy am I wiped out.

Also, have we discussed the weather!? Today we went for a walk in the crisp May air (you know, the crisp MAY AIR, no big deal) and Evie wore her full-body snow suit in order to stay warm. And I thought to myself, "Self, why is my baby wearing a full-body fleece snow suit in MAY!?" Something about that just makes me question everything I once believed about the world. Because May is for the ice cream man and swing-sets. Full-body snow suits should be burned as a celebratory act on March 1st and should never re-surface until December. I mean, AM I RIGHT?!

I feel better now that we've talked about these things. Tomorrow I'm going to follow the token advice everyone gives when one has a baby and "sleep when my baby sleeps". I plan on 3 (maybe 2?! I don't know, we're still figuring that out) afternoon naps and a morning snooze session while watching Baby Einstein. Oh and then I'll be dozing off for 30 minute power naps at least 3 times tomorrow night before I'm swaddled and in my footy pajams by 9pm.

It's going to be a good day.

*If you made it to the end of this ramble, I have a prize for you, because guess what!? It just occurred to me that I have been swaddled before in my life (post diapers) and you can find a picture of that here. You're welcome.

you & me on mother's day.

 our first mother's day together!

and i also give you: when husband's take pictures. part 2

slightly more than half.

first of all, thanks for all the advice! i'd already talked to my mom & cousin, but apparently i need a lot of reassurance! and you guys gave it to me. we are tweaking the schedule today. i'll be back to report.

secondly, this video is hilarious! and i dedicate it to my husband and my brotha, jon, who like to claim that babies are created entirely by the men and women just serve as a means of transportation. obviously, not the case. but this cute nerd says it better than i can!

let's have a momversation, shall we?

The tiny misses and I have hit a road bump. And I want answers! So if you have the answers, please read on...

Ev likes to sleep. And usually putting her to sleep is easy peasy. Swaddle, binky, soother and goodbye.  I leave while the soother is still lullaby-ing and she falls asleep all on her own, the little love. In the past, she took 3 naps a day; one 2 hour nap and two 1 1/2 hour naps. And she woke up happy. And I was happy. And we all lived happily ever after.

Except now, that's not happening. For the past few weeks the little dear will not stay asleep. She still falls asleep on her own just fine, but 40 minutes later, she's up and she's sad. Sometimes I can get her to fall back asleep by repeating the binky/soother step, but sometimes, not so much. And I question if that's what I should be doing? Should I continue going in to comfort her and turn her sleep items back on or leave her on her own to fall back asleep by herself, even if she's crying? If I go in every time to help her sleep again am I just reinforcing the idea that she can't fall asleep without the binky/soother combo? Do I take those away? That seems a little harsh (it's not like I'm nursing her to sleep or anything-can't she have her bink and seahorse?!)

And why is she waking up in the first place?! Girlfriend is a good sleeper, she sleeps 10 solid hours at night without a peep, so why all these issues during the day? Do I assume it's a hunger problem? Could it be that my milk is running low and she wakes up super early from her nap because she is hungry? Does that mean I should get her up and feed her? Could it be a growth spurt?

Do I keep our schedule the same and continue to try to get her to go back asleep and hope she grows out of it or do I drop a nap and start trying to just do 2 naps a day (that's what my Mama says) instead of 3. I'm not sure how to make that work, because we have been on a eat/play/sleep cycle since day 1 and she consistently gets tired and fussy 2 hours after her feedings.

Pretty much, I'm just confused. How about you just tell me what to do, okay?! Ready, set, go...

happy mother's day!

"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother."
- Abraham Lincoln

to be your mother.

Dear Evie,

Last year, on Mother's Day, I missed you.

I tried to think about everything I had to be grateful for. I had my own Mother, who acted as best friend, cheerleader and confident. I had my sweet Mother-in-law, who brought such goodness and warmth into my life. I had our families, our siblings, our friends. And, best of all, I had your Dad. I had our funny dogs, our sweet moments, our little life together; the life we'd spent 3 years creating. That life was much different from our lives now. We stayed up late on the weekends watching movies and eating bowls of ice cream. Saturdays were for sleeping in and having adventures. We went on dates. Lots of dates. Anytime we felt like it, really. We cooked together in the kitchen, taking our time and wasting away the evening. We went for walks as the sun was setting. We focused on each other. And it was a good life, a sweet life.

But still, I missed you.

I missed you most in the middle of the night as I tried to fall asleep. Sometimes I would wander into the living room to look out over the city, to watch the quiet dance of traffic lights pulsing in the distance. I watched life continuing, even in the darkness. It was in those silent moments spent all alone, that I felt your absence the most. Despite everything, despite all we had created together, I felt a dull ache inside, because we hadn't yet created you.

I didn't know who you were yet. I didn't know that you would have blue eyes and long fluffy hair the color of sunshine. I couldn't picture your round tummy, your tiny fingers and nose. I couldn't imagine your lips, the shape of them, or the way they would mirror my own. I couldn't see you yet, couldn't hear the sound of your laughter. I didn't know your name.

But still, I missed you.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and tonight I'm looking out over the city in just the same way. I can see those same lights twinkling vibrantly, I feel the familiar pulse of another day coming to a close. I still love the quiet, love the time to think and I still come to this place to think of you. But now, everything is different than before.

Now, I know your name. Now, I can hear the sound of your little voice and watch your eyes light up as you laugh. I know the shape of your pudgy little body, I've studied the dimples on your hands and clipped the nails on your tiny toes. Now, I get to rock you to sleep in the darkness and wake up to your sunshine every morning.

Now, the ache is gone.

I am your Mother and you are my Evie.

And we don't have to miss one another anymore.

so, bubba.

Today is your birthday!
I know. What?

The vet just informed me of this, via email. Gosh that Vet is on top of things, isn't she?! I love that Vet. Do you remember that one time you had an ear infection and so I took you to see that Vet and she proceeded to pull black, goopy, bloody infected hairs from your ears in order to save your life? And you winced in pain and I cried out  "No! Not my precious Bubba! Take me, instead!" and then proceeded to faint in her office because of the whole ordeal?

That was pretty heroic of me, no?

And remember that one time you got attacked by an evil dog in my parent's front yard and I almost died of a broken heart? Do you remember how I fell to the ground in a heap of pathetic tears & cried out "don't die, Bubba Boy!!" And then I got home and proceeded to write the cheesiest post in the entire world.

Except you didn't die. You lived. Remember?

Anyways, "Happy Birthday Jack!" the email said. And for a split second I was like, who is Jack?!

I then I remembered, you're Jack. Jack Bauer Olsen, to be exact. Except you're not. You're Bubba. You're my poop-eating machine. You're needy as hell. You're jealous of Evie and yet, you secretly like Evie. You're fat. You're ridiculous. You're sweet. If I died you would guard my smelly body for the rest of your life.You're my gosh darn dog. And apparently you're 4!

Remember when you were my one and only true love? Remember when I rocked you and held you and pretended you were a baby? Remember when I thought I couldn't live without you?

Yah, me neither.
Wait, what??

What I meant to say was Happy Birthday Bubba Boy!
Do you really think you'll live to be 15? I mean, I don't really think that's necessary, do you? 10 sounds like a long and full life to me, but whatever.

We love you!
Sometimes.
When you're clean.

10 things for your monday.

10 things {currently making me happy this morning}

01. The fact that I was dressed, beautified and ready to go by 9am this morning (is that sad?)
02. The dead ants all over my house that I am constantly vacuuming up. Because, well, at least they aren't alive this time around!
03. The fact that tights to church is no longer a necessity.
04. 60-70 degrees and sunny this week! What the what?
05.The fact that I ran out of conditioner this morning.
06. Sunrise bars from Costco
07. Impending nuptials
08. Talking about planning a getaway with the G.
09. Recently born babies and soon-to-be-born babies.
10. The Royal Wedding on DVR. Yes, I admit. I got sucked in.

Happy Monday to you!