more.

Yesterday, after just returning home from our big trip to Russia (more soon!) we made our way to the hospital down the street to check on this baby of ours and find out the gender.

Evie's hair was in a little blonde pony tail (because her hair fits easily in such things now, have I told you!?) and she surprised me by throwing up in the car on the way over. I couldn't help but remember my big 20 week ultrasound with her back in the summer of 2010 and how I threw up in the car on the way there, too (because of nerves, and pregnancy, and a belly that was filled with way too much water).

I was worried as we sat in the waiting room. Ultrasounds make me nervous now. I had few happy ones during my pregnancy with Evie and far too many that left me sick to my stomach and hot with fear. Greg fed Ev animal crackers as she wiggled around in his lap and I filled out the form in my lap and he told me that everything would be just fine.

I don't know quite what I was expecting when the goop was spread onto my belly and the lights were dimmed. Well, yes I do, I was expecting a boy. I was expecting one little squirming lover in my stomach and I was hoping and praying for  a healthy pregnancy.

Which is why, when the monitor showed two little heads, two little bodies and two tiny footprints, I was completely and totally floored.

Now, it's early morning and I am wide awake, which is unlike me in every way. Greg and I both woke up at 4am thanks to jet-lag and quietly ate yogurt, strawberries and toast together in the kitchen as the sun made its way outside our windows.

We can't help but think of everything we have to worry about now. We have to move. We have to buy twice the new baby supplies we were expecting. We have to put Evie in a big girl room and try to keep her little world happy and secure despite major change coming her way. We need new cribs. We need a new car. I am already half way through my pregnancy and these babies will be here before Christmas, before Thanksgiving...just after the Autumn leaves fall.

I can't help but feel like I can't keep up. This pregnancy came faster than we were expecting and now it is going to rock our world in ways we didn't even imagine.  I will have 3 children under the age of 2 (for a few months, at least). I will be driving an SUV and attempting trips to the grocery store that will inevitably end in tears and surviving life with a busy little two year old and two tiny newborns who all want nothing but me.

And then I think about my sweet Evie asleep in the other room. She is my dream come true. She is everything I prayed for and so much more. She was in every thought I had and every word I spoke while we were apart. I love that little person. I love being her mother. Everything with her has been better than I expected. She has filled me up with sunshine and stretched my heart to capacity and really, how can I be anything but elated to feel that way about two more.

This is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel that. But, I have done hard things before. Getting pregnant the first time around was hard, and carrying little Evie to term was hard and being hospitalized and on bed-rest was unbearably hard at times, too. I can do hard things. I have my sweet husband and a wonderful family and I have proved myself wrong before.

I think back to the Jessica of 2009 and how I wish I could whisper all of this in her ear. She spent too much time worrying about babies that never seemed to come. She spent too much time doubting herself and her dreaming up worst-case-scenarios that never came to be. If only she had known. If only she had the perspective that (of course) came with time. "Keep going" I would tell her, "Be happy", is what I would say. That is still what I will tell myself now as I panic and celebrate and brace myself for a new life, all over again.

Keep going. Be happy. Have faith.
The best (and worst!) is yet to come.

 two little heads

 Baby B - BOY

 Baby A - GIRL

Due December 3, 2012!

the rest of the story.

We finally got an external hard drive and I am in the process of transferring all of our pictures off of this computer. Doing so made me realize that I never finished blogging about our London adventures and, for some reason, I just couldn't remove all of those pictures without finish those posts for our little family history first. So, today I finally got it done.

In case your interested in seeing the last few (Mom!) they are here, here and here.

And now I am feeling so nostalgic and wishing badly to go back or even live there someday. How I loved that glorious city.

pool day.

we celebrated the beginning of summer this weekend with dinner at red rock brewery (their horseradish mashed potatoes make me salivate), car-washing in the driveway, pasta primavera at home, berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream and an afternoon at the pool.

just as she was last year, this little lady is in love with the pool. now, if i could only figure out how to keep her warm enough in the water, i'd be a happy mama (she still seems happy as can be, but she is so skinny and tiny, she turns purple after 10 minutes or so. ideas, mamas?)

between our new pool pass here downtown and my grandma's friday swim days we are looking forward to spending most of the summer just like this. now, who wants to join us?!

change.

i spent the majority of tonight straightening and fluffing and photographing my nest so my in-laws (who own this home) can get it listed in the next few days.

our downstairs neighbors, and dear friends, are busy packing and getting ready for their big move across the country early next week. i remember the day they brought their baby girl home from the hospital and ryan banged on the ceiling to tell me i should come down and see her. now, she is 3.

tonight, i laid on my bed and watched the setting sun through my windows and felt so sad about all of it. normally, i love change. i get bored easily and a new place or a new job or a new view is welcomed and refreshing. this time, i only feel sad.

i love this home more than any place greg & i have shared together. we brought our first baby home through these doors and we grew the most as a family and as individuals inside this space. we have dear friends and great memories. the house is full of twinkling lights and sunshine and everything i love.

i will miss it so, so much.

month sixteen.

dear janie girl,

you are sixteen months old! how i have loved and cherished these last 16 months of getting to know each other. i cannot imagine my life without my happy, smiley, sweet, little evie jane.

at sixteen months old, you are still a feather of a baby, who isn't even on the charts when it comes to weight. you are skinny and long and, surprisingly, a great little eater 99% of the time. you like cheese and ham and veggies and fruit and you love milk, especially with carnation instant breakfast in it.

at sixteen months old, you still aren't walking. part of me knows that you are just stubborn, like i am, and you don't want to do it until you can do it right. for the past few months even walking with mom and dad's help frustrates you to death and i think you don't like to try it because you aren't good at it yet. we will keep trying to encourage you even though you seem to be content to just crawl forever. you are teaching me patience as i try to deal with a toddler who wants to be a toddler, but still has the gross motor skills of a baby. we'll get there.

at sixteen months old, you are a talker! you mimic every word i say and are getting really good at repeating words after carefully watching my mouth say them. you regularly say mama, dada, nana, jack, hi, okay, no, yes, and your newest word is baby. i love listening to you talk up a storm all day long and respond to the questions i ask you. "did you have a good nap, evie?" "ya!" "do you want to go bye bye?" "no!". you crawl around the house all day yelling "jack!!!" (which sounds like "aaaaccckkk!") until jack comes to wherever you are. you also love to talk about animals and make animal sounds. you can moo like a cow, neigh like a horse, bark like a dog and quack, quack, quack like a duck.

at sixteen months old, you are social. you are the friendliest little girl who loves to wave and smile at strangers, laugh along at people's jokes and be the center of attention. you are so animated and just watching you play by yourself is hilarious at times. you are still very independent and you don't seem to mind who is with you as long as you get to play. i shouldn't say this, but i kind of cherish the moments when you aren't feeling well, or when you fall down and get hurt because those are some of the only times you are really clingy to your mama. in those moments, i love holding you and rubbing your back and knowing that you need me, because other than that, i can barely catch you and scoop you up for a quick hug and kiss before you're off to the next thing. you have your own little agenda each day and you are so busy.

at sixteen months old, you love to kiss everyone goodbye (on the lips!), wave, give high-fives, touch pointed fingers together and play hide and seek. you laugh hysterically any time i startle you and you live to go outside and play on the front lawn or dig in the rocks.

you love your dad and you talk about him all day long. anytime my phone rings, your face lights up and you say "dadda!", if you hear a car pull into the driveway or our iron gate open and shut you shout out "dadda!". yesterday, i took you home in the middle of church for a quick nap and then brought you back for sacrament meeting. it had only been an hour since you'd seen him, but when we slid into the bench next to dad, it was like you couldn't believe you got to be together again. you hugged and kissed him and hugged and kissed him right on the lips over and over again until your little heart was content.

evie, you are so special. that is what i tell you each night before i put you to bed. you can never know how happy you have made us or how much we adore you. you are so full of life and enthusiasm and happiness and you just light up everything around you. life is so good with my very own sunshine baby by my side.

i love you so much.

love,
mama

you can find us at the park.

digging in the sand box, more specifically.

the difference between you and me.

the other day i decided to be a hero and pick up some cupcakes on the way home from the pool. you know, from the sweet tooth fairy. for g, naturally. i picked red-velvet for me and salted caramel for him, plus a whole bunch of cake-bites for good measure. the whole car ride home those cake-bites taunted me from their little plastic cup holder thing and promised me a lifetime of happiness if i'd just take a bite. by the time we arrived home 10 minutes later, each one had been sampled and declared to be very delicious.

when g got home from work that night my red velvet was half way gone. and now riddle me this: how does one avoid eating a red velvet cupcake when a red velvet cupcake is staring you in the face, because i surely don't have a clue. i forced myself to save the other half for the next day and i must have walked past that cupcake 57 times in the next 12 hours examine it's moistness and sniff it's frosting and promise we'd be together soon.

the next morning, i ate it for breakfast.

meanwhile, g didn't touch his salted caramel. he barely batted an eye when i reminded him of it after dinner. "there is a cupcake waiting for you!!" i told him and he smiled his half smile and nodded his norwegian head and went and whipped himself up another gosh darn green smoothie.

and now this is where i wonder about that man of mine. i mean, what is wrong with him!? i felt seriously concerned about him all night. should i have taken his temperature??

the next day that salted caramel cupcake continued to taunt me from the kitchen table. there it was all chocolatey and caramely and salty and just waiting for someone to take a bite. but friends, i didn't touch it! i am so proud and partly horrified to tell you that cupcake sat on our counter for 2 days before my husband even bothered to crack open the case and give it a sniff. TWO STINKING DAYS!

finally, last night, i couldn't take it anymore. "eat your freaking cupcake!!!" i demanded! and so we put the baby to bed and settled in and he made his way to the kitchen, unwrapped the little beauty and brought her out to the living room on a white plate. "it's happening!!" i yelled, "wait! i am taking a picture!" and that was the part where he threatened to turn back and crush all my hopes and dreams if i made a big deal out of this (blogging doesn't count as making a big deal, just fyi).

g took the first bite and had virtually no reaction. i took the second and wanted to die. it was moist and creamy and rich, with a bed of caramel frosting on top and just the right amount of salt. it made my heart go pitter-patter. it made my mouth water. it made my life make sense.

i snuck one more bite before i returned it to him and then he polished it off, wiped his hands on his napkin and pushed play on the remote.

"well?!" i begged.
"it was good" he declared, "it was fine."

and now this is the moment where i really fell in love with that norwegian of mine. also, the moment where i realized i don't have a clue what goes on in that head of his. i mean, good and fine?! after two days of waiting? GOOD AND FINE.

i will never understand that boy i married. he who says no to dessert and cares deeply about the quality of the socks on his feet and LOVES TO MOW THE LAWN. he is such a mystery to me sometimes! i will love him 'til i die!

a traveling man.

g love is currently taking the world by storm, with his latest endeavor being a trip to india. we miss him so much when he travels, but he is great about skyping us and checking in often. i love seeing that cute scruffy face on the screen and missing him while he's away.

evs and i are getting by alright without him with lots of help from my sweet mom. thanks to me witnessing a 4am attempted break in across the street a few nights before he left (and being the one to call 911 and get the criminal arrested, thank you very much) i am waiting out this trip at my parents house. that night sort of depleted what little courage i had for sleeping home alone with the baby, but staying with my parents is about 100x more fun than being home alone, so i'm not complaining.

g is studying hard and playing hard, while i single-mom-it here at home and basically just try to stay awake. yesterday, during a skype conversation, he kept asking me if i was doing okay and i kept insisting that i was, despite his constant questioning. when i finally asked him why he was so concerned he told me he had counted 7 yawns so far in our 10 minute conversation.

seven.

so, yah.

wheeler farm in the sunshine.

 

 horses

goats

sheep

babies

ducks

geese

cows

cousins

sunshine

what's not to love?