Monday, February 4, 2013
some moments are so bad i want to cry.
but i don't. at least not often. and it's not because i'm brave or wonderful, but mostly because i am heartless. okay, not really. but also, kind of? i have developed this ability to sort of numb myself to outside stimuli and just carry on. two babies screaming plus one toddler trying to climb up my leg to be held?? first, binkies. then swaddle, soothers, white noise. pick up the toddler, turn on a movie, set her on your lap and stroke her hair until her breathing steadies and her body softens. the instructions come like marching orders and i move quickly and efficiently in my little palace of babies. i do as i am told.
some moments are so good i think i might burst.
like the mornings, when the world is soft and hazy and the babies slept through the night, again. i wake up before the sun rises and pump them their first bottles. unwrap their hot bodies and raise them, like limp fish, to my chest. they nuzzle and squirm and bring their tiny fists to their mouths to suck. i serve them up warm milk and stroke their fuzzy heads softly. i whisper and tickle and they coo in return. we smile at one another, under the glow of lamplight, the rest of the world still sleeping.
some moments i'm sure i can't do it.
in those moments, my fingers move at lighting speed sending off SOS messages and swear words of desperation to my husband or my mother on the other end. this is impossible! i write, there are too many of them! i say. but eventually the world stops spinning and little eyes close and i find a moment to look out the window and notice the shimmer of the snow in sunlight. evie is napping and nora is napping and will has decided to steal a moment with mama, all to himself. his big belly buldges from his little pants and his wide eyes follow mine pensively and i know, like i have always known, that he was made for me.
and that's the thing i feel strongest when my body collapses and my head hits the pillow at night. i mean, sometimes i'm sure i suck at this. some days evie won't eat a thing and nora is restless and i've had enough diet coke to charge a cell phone, and still these little people look at me like i'm the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky. i am covered in spit up and i haven't had a shower for days and yet, when i hold them, i can feel that i was meant for this.
i am doing it, even if i'm not always doing it well.
i mean shoot, you guys.
it's kind of wonderful.
*a few of these pictures are from instagram where i insta the crap out of my life as @jessmolsen if you'd like to follow along.