Wednesday, December 29, 2010

becoming.

If anyone had told me 8 months ago that I would spend the last month of this pregnancy in the hospital, I would have laughed. This pregnancy was so easy once upon a time. I wasn't sick, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't moody and everything was easy...until it wasn't anymore. Which is, I've learned, the way life typically goes.

The first 2 trimesters were pure bliss; filled with excitement, baby clothes, a list of names on the fridge and watching and documenting my belly growth.

The last trimester has been anything but. I don't want to say it has been hell, it hasn't been, but this certainly isn't where I thought I would be this holiday season. I have a closet full of maternity clothes and dresses I am not wearing and a nursery at home that doesn't contain one piece of furniture and is littered with bags and boxes of unopened, unorganized baby gifts.

Most girls dream of spending the last trimester dressing their big bellies as fashionably as possible, enjoying no more morning sickness and best of all, planning and decorating a nursery. I always dreamed about the nursery.

And yet, I am not home, my nursery is non-existent and I don't think I've taken a belly shot in over a month. I wear sweatpants or leggings every day and I consider it a big deal if I put on mascara. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and bruises from IV's and blood draws that never seem to end and my stomach is red and irritated from the constant gelling and wiping and monitoring we do. I try to be patient with the lazy nurses who don't bother to read my chart before they come into my room and then proceed to make me explain who I am, why I'm here and what they need to do as if I am the expert and not them. I say thank you and give away the treats I get to the good nurses who do bother and I spend a lot of time dreaming about going on a date with my husband again someday.

Despite everything I complain about and hate, the best part about every day is still baby. We know each other so well by now. I know her typical sleep/wake patterns, resting heart rate, and can read her NST's with no problem. In my mind she is very much a little person already, complete with a name and a story. I can't spend this long consumed by someone and not know her name. So I keep it a secret and whisper it to her in the dark after everyone has left and she kicks me in response and I know this will all be worth it.

Someday I'll tell her this story. Someday I'll tell her how much she was loved before she even came to earth. I'll tell her that lying in a hospital bed for weeks and weeks was worth every smile and giggle and snuggle she gives me. I'll tell her that I would have done more, done anything, for her. I'll tell her that she made me into a mother, even before I officially was one. She is teaching me about unconditional love and sacrifice, about caring for those around you, no matter what the cost. About being more Christ-like and selfless. This is her gift to me.

She has made me into a mother. This experience has made me into a mother.

And that makes it worth it.
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10 comments:

  1. you totally have me crying. we should just lay in our beds next to each other and hang out!
    i really adore your positive attitude and outlook. you are a wonderful mother already!!
    xoxo

    email me if you need a chat partner!

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  2. I'm sitting here at home, holding my sweet baby girl, totally crying at your post. I PROMISE...it IS so worth it. I'm glad you gave us an update to how you are doing. I hope this last stretch will go quickly...and that you too will soon be home holding your sweet baby girl. :)

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  3. As usual, you've expressed it perfectly and beautifully. What a lucky little one to have you as a Mom who already loves and cares for her in the most selfless way possible. I can only imagine the joy you'll feel when she's in your arms soon. Hang in there....

    p.s. my sister just had her baby at 34 weeks and both are doing great. The babe was just under 5 lbs and is strong. Little girls are great little fighters and, I hear, fare better than boys when they're born early. Hope that helps at all if you're feeling nervous. Loves.

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  4. oh Jess, you are already such a good mom. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this :( I think you have a great attitude though! In just a little while, you and your baby can go home together and life will be perfect!!

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  5. The thing I love most about you is your unfailing optimism. I'm sorry you're having to spend so much time in the hospital with all the needles and stuff, but you're right. In the end, it will all be worth it. I'm sure your daughter already knows how much you love her. I'm always praying for you! Love you, cous!

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  6. Um, I am also totally crying! I have known women recently who ignore bed rest orders, ignored eating suggestions which gave them gestational diabetes, and smoke during pregnancy. So to see you doing everything you can to make sure you can bring this baby into the world as safely as possible makes me so happy and shows what a truly amazing mom you already are. Can't wait to meet her so soon and for you to be able to decorate her (I'm sure) adorable nursery!
    Love you!!

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  7. Trust me when I say, you're not missing much these last few months. Sure you may have some cute clothes you were looking forward to wearing, but if you're anything like me- even maternity clothes start not fitting and you're just large and ready to meet your babe. I know you already know this, and it's been said by everyone else but once that baby is in your arms you'll forget everything! I mean, I can't even tell you how bad the labor pains are and every time after I have a baby I say the same thing to my husband "that wasn't so bad" with a smile on my face and he just looks at me like I'm insane. I know mine was nothing like yours but still, it will seem like you paid nothing compared to what you'll get in return. I can't wait to see pictures and find out that "secret" name :) Good luck with everything!

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  8. I was sitting here reading your post with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this now, I can't imagine the worry! I know we're not close, but from one new mother to another-if you need anything don't hesitate to call. Even if you just need a visit and relief from the monotony, I would love to make a trip for you. You're in my prayers!

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  9. We love you so much and we are so sorry you have to go through this difficult time. You are a wonderful person and always look at the bright side of things. We hope to see you soon.

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  10. Hey Jess,

    Got your cute note and hung it up with my Christmas cards. I think of you every day. You're a good mom Jess. Maternity clothes are overrated anyway. :) You're right about it being worth it. 100%. {sigh} Don't know what else to say. You're just in my heart.

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thank you for your shout outs!