Thursday, January 19, 2012

a new year.


i hereby declare twenty twelve to be the year in which i grow up.

i mean, here we are, january the 19th (i had to think really hard to come up with that date) and already i have conquered one of my biggest fears. and what have you done with your january, i ask!

it all started when plans began to emerge for g's most recent school trip to dubai of all places. the last time he traveled for school (without his girls by his side-london!) was back in august when he went to shanghai, china. and look, i'm not proud of it, but i FLED to my parents house a good 2 hours after i dropped him off at the airport. suddenly it was like the house i live in all the time, every day, was terrifying. the sun began to set and the light began to change and everything was eerie. those windows? scary. that wind? scary. the man who lives in the wooded mess that is my backyard? scary! (that man may or may not exist and is actually a cat, but just keep listening to my story will you?)

2011 was not the right year for me to grow up, and so, despite my independence and my stubbornness and the glory that is my DVR, to my childhood bedroom i fled.

this time around i wanted it to be different. i am, after all, 24 stinking years old, not to mention, someones MOTHER! so i decided to stay. for at least most of the 11 days he'd be gone. the man in my backyard be damned!

i spent the entire first day pep-talking myself and randomly texting people for reassurance. my motto for the afternoon was "i'm totally not going to get murdered tonight!"and isn't that just lovely? when it came time for bed i said my prayers (a few of them actually) and kissed my baby and hugged my pups and turned on my most trusted friend in the whole world, the food network.

before you judge me, let me just explain why the food network is your replacement husband when sleeping home alone with a defenseless baby to protect. the food network believes that the world is a safe and beautiful place. the food network never talks about the horrid things that are happening in your neighborhood these days (get off my television cable news!) and the food network, does not, under any circumstances, AIR THAT EXORCISM MOVIE PREVIEW. so help me! (one glimpse of that darn exorcism preview and i promise you i would have been done for.)

the food network is my partner in sleeping crime. (and also, i have this thing for bobby flay but that's not to be discussed.)


let's take a brief intermission for a glass of water and some eviegrams. check those lashes!


after a while (an hour? two? seven?) i miraculously fell asleep and when i awoke the next morning, i felt like shouting hallelujah to the heavens!! no nightmares! no waking up at 3am and doing that "i'm so scared i'm frozen" thing. no shenanigans whatsoever! it was a christmas miracle, indeed (and on a more serious note, an answer to sincere prayer).

since that night, my fear of sleeping alone has diminished and diminished until it's almost disappeared altogether. my family wanted me to come spend at least a few nights at their home before g returned, so i finally packed evie up on wednesday and headed south to stay with them, but i managed to put SIX NIGHTS of single sleeping under my belt first. and you might laugh, but for me, this is HUGE.

it feels good to look my fear in the face and say suck it. maybe my fear was irrational and immature (probably my fear was irrational and immature) but i still had to face it, head on, in order to remind myself that i can do things that scare me.

and thus, i give you, 
2012: THE YEAR OF DOING THINGS THAT SCARE ME.

1. i will read my scriptures every stinking day of this new year, because apparently spiritual growth scares me big time.

2. i will celebrate all that comes with being a wife and a mother and i will let go of negative distractions that prevent me from being all i can be in this role. i will cook healthy dinners as often as i can (no more pasta and salad every night! scary!). i will stay on top of our laundry piles and i will lovingly continue to pick my husbands shoes up off the floor, even though he is more than capable of doing so. (bless his heart.)

3. i will write about my life and my experiences (whether on this blog or elsewhere) without fear of judgement. i will trust in myself more. i will finish projects i have started and i will stop second guessing myself and by abilities. 2012 is the year in which i stop wondering what anyone else is thinking.

4. i will keep a budget and stay on top of our savings goals. BUDGETS! TERRIFYING!!

5. i will step outside my comfort zone when given the opportunity. i will say "yes, we would love to!" more often. i will make new friends and be better to the ones i already have. i will put myself out there. i will invite YOU to go to lunch and i will host a few gosh darn dinner parties already!

6. i will maybe, possibly, hopefully enjoy another pregnancy (not pregnant) even though my last one was physically and emotionally and entirely TERRIFYING.

7. i will continue to try to take good pictures (even though i'm no photographer), because i love it. i will continue to express my creativity on this blog (even though it's kind of a joke), because i love it. i will listen to justin bieber on pandora while cleaning my house, because i love it. i will go back to yoga class, even though i am afraid of looking rusty. i will compile our photos into an album. i will finish evie's baby book. i will give kisses on the mouth and say i love you and thank you daily.

8. i will not cut my my hair. in case you were wondering.


bring it, 2012. i'm ready.

12 comments:

  1. And that's a darn good 2012 list :)

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  2. Six nights is great!! When ever Wyatt would go out of town, I would make my little sister come sleep with me at our house! It IS scary, but it's weird because we do so many other, much more serious, scary things. Like, having babies! Good job. And good, don't cut your hair. It's so beautiful.

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  3. Just a few thoughts:
    1. I, too, have a thing for Bobby Flay. Stop my beating heart.
    2. Way to go! Six nights! That's way better than I have ever done every time Dan is away.
    3. You. are. amazing. You don't need to be self conscious about anything.

    I look forward to seeing what you do with this year.

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  4. Oh my GORGEOUS picture of you!!! Sheesh girl!

    Way to smack down your fears! Great plans.

    I too zone out to food network when Clay's out of town for the same reasons...minus Bobby Flay.

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  5. Don't you dare cut that hair!!! It's absolutely beautiful, just like you!

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  6. Way to go jess!! I applaud the fact that you were so brave! I like your 2012 list & I think I will have to take on some of those things too!

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  7. Funny how many peeps (including me) have a thing for Bobby! (Lindsay, what is wrong with you!?!?!?!)
    I had some scary nights when I was a younger gal while D was out of town, and to top if off my dog was about as nervous as I was and barked at EVERYTHING which made for many sleepless nights while I sat tucked under my covers praying that the noises I was hearing wouldn't be some wacko serial killer coming to get me... So scary! I have since outgrown that and don't mind being alone in my big bed on rare occasions! I also had the "I AM SOMEONE'S MOTHER!" experience once while traveling across country by myself and worried endlessly that I would miss a flight and be stranded. My kids at the time were around 4 and 5 years old and I seriously stopped dead in my tracks at the airport and said "You are the mother of 2 little kids, if you can't fly across country by yourself you have no business being a mother!" I'm sure passerbys thought I was a lunatic... HELLO! Sometimes you don't get that I am woman and I am capable feeling until you're way old ;) I still don't have that feeling when birds are flying by and you might see me scream like a little girl and run with my hands flailing around my head if you ever see one fly by me... And with that I'll leave you!

    Great goals for 2012 btw!

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  8. You are so right about Food Network! It is my personal sleeping-alone security blanket. Nothing bad can happen when Ina's making a lovely meal for her gay friends, right?

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  9. I've said it once before and I'll say it again: you have a talent and gift. Your writing is beautiful and creative and inspiring in its own real way. I think that's what I love most about your blog--you are real and easy to relate to. Best of luck with your 2012 list, a fine list indeed.

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  10. Confession: I also fall asleep to Golden Girls. There are like 50 in a row at night. Haha! Tell no one.

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thank you for your shout outs!